Whew...

Close call averted!

When I stepped on the scale last night at class, I had horrible visions of a gain of such drastic proportions that there would be no recovery. I was ready to cry.

I was wrong. I stepped on the scale and weighed EXACTLY the same as last week. No gain, no loss. 

The relief was overwhelming--and if I had stepped back ON the scale immediately after, I'm sure it would have weighed less with the loss weight of the world from my shoulders! 

It was great to meet up with my BBF's before class last night to catch-up! It gives us time to bitch about our day, talk about our struggles (not that we don't text each other every day, anyways), give each other ideas about things that are to come (ie: learn to like cottage cheese if you don't already--it will be a valuable source of dairy and protien after surgery), and just everyday life stuff.

BTW: this is my new favorite mid-day snack! 12 dry roasted almonds and two Hershey Kisses.  It's like eating a super loaded Hershey with almond candy bar--and only 127 calories! Plus alot of super heart healthy benefits from the almonds.  SCORE!

That PMS....she sure is a b!tch...

My aunt flow is coming to visit next week, and today, I have been a ravenous emotional mess.

I know that I get weighed in class tonight, but it didn't stop me from eating soup (and bread!) at Panera for lunch--and then three hours later, eating the sandwich that I had orignally packed for my lunch. Along with two little cookies, some pretzel sticks, and a diet dr. pepper. Sigh.

I just feel bloated and blah today...and the crazy gray rainy weather is NOT helping things at all. I couldn't walk at lunch today, and even though I made smart choices when I go out--I still feel that I've probably gained about five pounds just from today. I'm dreading getting on the scale tonight. I've been having consistant loses since November--and if I get on and show a gain, I might cry.

I have nooone to blame but myself--but today has just sucked.

Fingers crossed I can pee out five pounds before 6pm!

Twenty-three

That's the number of pounds that I've lost so far.  When class resumed last Tuesday, I had lost 7.5 pounds between December 11 and January 8. Needless to say, I was so excited, I did a happy dance on the scale. I have been really trying to step up my walking and being more stringent with my calories. And if I don't know the calories in something, I overestimate to pad my numbers for later. 

The things I really continue to struggle with are weekends.  On Saturdays and Sundays, I spend most of this time alone in the house while the boyfriend is at work. I fill my time with laundry, cooking (diet friendly protein packed foods), and sometimes cleaning--but really watching cheesy TV movies. I don't tend to exercise because I live in the city, and I'm not comfortable walking by myself. Too many crazy people. That's why I try really hard to watch calories on weekends--and to get in as much exercise as possible during the week. So far, it seems to be working. 

I spoke with the program coordinator last week, and it looks like I'm on schedule with everything required for the surgery (psych eval, nutritionist appointments, attendance in class, and showing weight loss), and I can most likely expect to get a surgery date in March. There's alot to do between now and then--I need to meet with my surgeon again (Feb 22), schedule a presurgery appointment with my primary doctor, and try to figure out how to explain this to my manager at work. I'm going to stick with the 'gallbladder' surgery. I think it could work. Fingers crossed! 

When I started this process back in July 2012 by attending an information session, this seemed so far in the future that it was impossible to comprehend that it would come to a head, and I would actually be having surgery to aid me with losing weight. I have NEVER been a 'normal' size. I have never been thin.  While most people are pursuing this option to regain the life they had "before", I don't even know what I'll look like when I'm less heavy. I have always been heavy. 

I am having a bit of trepidation, because lets be honest, surgery is SURGERY! There is always the chance that something can happen--infection, bleeding, etc. I know in my head that this is something I need to do for me--to be healthier, to have a baby, to have a life that I can enjoy, to fit into seats at stadiums or on air planes, to move ahead professionally--I'm still afraid of the unknown. What if I'm a different person after I'm thinner (I'm not saying skinny, because I will still be plus sized even after I meet my goal)? What if my sense of humor doesn't translate? Maybe instead of being funny, I just turn into a bitch? It can happen, can't it? 

So, as excited I am to move forward and get my Lap Band and start on this path to a new life, I also understand the risks involved, and I know that there is more work required after the Band to be successful. Here's to the future!

Hanging in there...

Made it  back from a wonderful beach vacation last Monday, and then headed back to work on Wednesday. I also had a weigh in. 

While wearing a sweater, the scale said that I had gained 0.6 lbs.  Taking off the sweater, the scale said I had lost 0.8 pounds.  I'm going to err on the side of caution and say that I broke even and maintained during the week I was gone. 

I did eat some foods that I shouldn't have (ice cream! and pizza!) but made relatively good choices the rest of the time. It helped immensely that we had a condo with a kitchen, which allowed us to eat almost all of our meals in, we packed food and took it with us, and I feel that I came back, if not having lost a ton--but feeling that I at least made some progress on learning how to stay on plan during vacation. 

I also walked TONS--on the beach, on the boardwalk, at the outlet mall. One night I did a load of laundry, and the washer/dryer was on the floor below us--and I took the stairs--up and down--about 8x that night--after having walked about 4 miles on the beach. 

Since getting back into the work routine, I've been trying to get back on my eating/exercise schedule. It's always hard to restart things--but I'm working on it. I've been walking more distance/time than before, and I'm still making good food decisions, it feels like. 

I hope that everyone else did good over the holidays, also. I kept in touch with my BBF's via text, and I can't wait for class to resume next week so that we can catch up. 

I will be going to a support group meeting next week. This is part of the requirements for the program.  I don't mind, though, as I recently read that people who have had bariatric surgery and are involved in a support group lose more weight and keep it off better. I'm nervous about going into a new situation--but I am pretty confident that the people in the support group will be inspirational and provide details about their journey. 

I'll let you know what happens next week! 

No class this week!

There is no class this week. Or next week. Or the week after.  Our next scheduled class is January 8, 2013.

That  being said, I took the initiative to schedule off-week weigh ins. 

Last weekend. I traveled. I spent two whole days sitting in a car. I did not get to walk. However, I did pack food for the road in the form of  sandwiches. If I wanted a snack, I had string cheese. I did eat one Hershey's special dark chocolate bar with Almonds. Only 180 calories for the whole thing.

I went to weigh in with some trepidation yesterday. I went to the Bariatric office, and when I weighed, I was down 1.7 pounds from my previous weeks weigh in at class.  The girl that was there told me that if I wanted to, I could come back that evening and weigh in on the class scale so that it would be more consistent. When I reweighed on the class scale, I had lost 3 pounds.

I am VERY proud of myself for forgoing the fried seafood feast. As I found out recently, fried foods don't like me anymore. They make me very sick. So it makes it VERY easy to stay away from them now. I am also making a conscious effort to stay away from pasta.  I read that for some Banders, pasta and breads can 'clog' your hole and make you sick. I figure that if I begin weaning myself off the refined carbs now, it will be better for me in the future.

To date, I am down 18.5 pounds from the beginning of my class. My goal was to lose 20 pounds by January 1.  I am only1.5 pounds away from my goal, with vacation and traveling looming for next week. However, I am already making a grocery list for the food that I will pack to take with me. We rented a condo at the beach with a kitchen--so I can cook and stay on plan. I am keeping my fingers crossed that when I weigh in on January 2 at the Bariatic office, it is lower than my number yesterday-that way I will know if I lost! It might not be exact, but it will give me a gauge of my progress.

I hope that you all have a wonderful holiday! I'll hopefully be back with a positive weight loss post on 1/2/13!

A week away from the scale...

Is NOT something I look forward to! Last night was our last class until JANUARY 8.  Do you know what happens between now and January ?  That’s right—holidays.  Traveling. Visits with friends and family. Food. Cookies. Stress. Emotions. Eating. In the end, even the happiest times of the year lead back to eating. And that is a cycle that I am trying very hard to break.

I am taking the initiative to schedule off week weigh ins during the holidays to keep myself on track.  When I know that there is a scale waiting for me every week, it makes me accountable for everything I put in my mouth.  When I know that the scale is FOUR WEEKS AWAY, I will undo every ounce of progress that I have made since September! Out of sight, out of mind, right?

On a positive note, even with the week away from the scale—and two Christmas parties and a football game last week—I still managed to eek out another 2.5 lbs on the scale. I lost the pound I gained during my period, and then lost another 1.5 lbs. I honestly expected a 7lb gain.  I know you think I’m crazy—how can you gain 7lbs in a week—well, I’m not. It’s possible. I’m living proof of that! It takes FOREVER to lose a pound—but you can gain a pound in like an hour if you aren’t careful.

I’m now down 15.5 pounds from my first class weigh in.  It’s taken a long time to get here—but I’m doing it. 

Class last night was actually a reiteration of the information session that we first attended about bariatric surgery. It went over the LapBand, the roux-en-Y procedure, and the sleeve.  It was interesting because the class leader said that most people start off the class wanting to have the LapBand—but end up having the Roux-en-Y instead.  In my class, only three people want to do LapBand—everyone else is bypass.  If the LapBand wasn’t an option, the only other one I would consider would be the sleeve—but there’s no long term data or studies on 5+ years—so I think I’ll stick with my original decision. I am committed to the band!

BTW, I also had my required psych evaluation yesterday, and I passed! Not like it was a test, but you know—it’s making sure that you are ready and committed to the life style change necessary to be successful with your chosen surgery, that you are doing it for the right reasons, that you are mentally able to handle the changes that will face you as you continue on your journey, etc. I know that I still have a lot of challenges ahead of me on this journey, but I know that as I get further in the process, I will be able to face them and accomplish them.

Happy Holidays! Here’s hoping that I can continue to lose weight over the holidays.  I’d like to lose at least 4.5 pounds by January 1. Fingers crossed!

I am weak

I am so weak. I have absolutely no willpower. When presented with an array of food, I am like an addict needing a fix of crack. I think about it, and I obsess about it, and I think about how I can get it and no one would know. Sick, right?

Yesterday, we had our annual holiday potluck at work.  There was an assortment of dishes including ham and beef, mac and cheese, corn casserole, broccoli salad, assorted hot dips, Jello salad, chips/crackers/bread, and of course, the Christmas cookies and cake.

I went in strong. I had one plate, and I chose the healthiest options—I had more protein than carbs, I bypassed the mac and cheese and corn casserole (my own contribution), and I had broccoli salad (made with splenda) and Jello salad with fruit. I had three crackers with a taste of each hot dip just to try, and one roll.  Not bad, right? That was one plate. And I was done. But then I wanted more Jello salad—so I got another small scoop of that with three Triscuits. And then I was done. I was stuffed—but I was good and could walk away.  

Then the Christmas cookie tray came around, and I took one of each, because I knew that they were good since I had them last year.  And they were mini cookies.  I did not eat any of the black bottom cake. Now I was beyond stuffed. I felt like a roly-poly and that someone would have to waddle me back to the office.  But I still felt that all things considered, I had made some pretty good choices. Not perfect—but better than in years past.

Then I got hit with emotions after the Secret Santa gift exchange. My gift was so similar to what my mom would have gotten me if she was still here, that I got upset. I cried. Alot. It was a happy cry because I loved everything in my gift—but a sad cry because this is the first Christmas without my mom. And that my mom would never ever buy me another gift just because she saw something she thought I would love. And that made me emotional. And it wasn't about the gifts my mom would give me. It was that she loved me regardless of how much I weighed, or if I screwed something up.

And I turned to food. I ate a handful of potato chips. I had a roll with beef on it. I had some bread rounds with crab dip. And I felt sick because I wasn’t hungry, but I thought that I could fill that emotional emptiness inside with food. And it didn’t work. And I know it wouldn’t work—but I did it anyways.

Last night, I walked for my 20 minutes, and then my awesome loving boyfriend went on another walk with me for another 30 minutes. I could have probably walked all night to work out my emotions and to make myself feel better—but honestly, it was 30 degrees. It was dark. And I wanted to spend time with him for the first night in weeks.  And I did make myself a healthy dinner of stir fry veggies and beef for dinner.  It was real hunger this time—not emotional.

Today is a another challenge.  A company wide holiday party that is catered. The food choices will be a taco salad bar, chicken wings, and a giant sub, and of course, assorted desserts. I know that I can be stronger here, because there is less peer scrutiny, there are more people and distractions. And the menu really does allow a bit more customization. I know how to make a healthy salad. I will steer clear of chips and tortillas and sour cream. I will leave the desserts alone. Today, I will focus on veggies and protein. And I will get back on track.

My biggest fear is that I think I will gain this week.  Earlier this week, my pants felt awesome and loose. I could feel a difference. But I’m afraid my indiscretions of this week will work against me on Tuesday when I go to be weighed in. and it’s frustrating. I don’t want to be discouraged. So I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed that I can at least maintain, if not lose this week. I plan on doing a lot of walking between now and then to see if it makes a difference.

Have a good weekend, everyone.