An Open Letter to Wendy Williams

Dear Wendy Williams,

How you doin'?

Let me preface this letter by saying that I really do like your show. I don't watch any talk shows, but when I get home in time to do so, I like to watch yours.

That's why I'm so regreful of having to write this letter.

Yesterday, I really feel that you went too far with your discussion of weight loss surgery and LapBand.  You said some things that I took offence to, and I wanted to point these out to you as a reference point for future use.

1.  LapBand and weight loss.  You made a comment that pretty much said that when someone had weight loss surgery that they should drop a ton of weight in a minute. That's NOT how the LapBand works.  The LapBand is a tool to help control the amount of food eaten to aid in weight loss.  People who have the RNY or Sleeve tend to have super quick weight loss.  The LapBand is designed to help people lose an average of 1.5-2lbs a week.  There is no guarantee that it will come off this quickly. Some of us still continue to struggle, even with a LapBand.

2.  You pointed out that Chris Christie has not lost any weight with his LapBand. I beg to differ.  If you look at the pictures you used to illustrate your point, I could see a significant difference in the body shape. Of course, fatties such as myself know where to look to see weight loss in other fatties. It's a gift. There aren't any official weight loss numbers released on his progress, but the pictures say enough.

3.  You joked that Ruben Stoddard should get TWO LapBands. Do you have any idea how stupid you sounded saying that? Don't get me wrong--I'm all about getting a laugh, but seriously? Not funny.

I understand that you have a talk show that is all about ratings and such, but before making comments about fat people and weight loss surgeries, maybe you should take a good long look at your audience. Not just the one in the studio, but the ones that actually watch your show and drive your ratings. I would assume that at least HALF of your viewing audience struggles with their weight or their body image. Not all of us have the money or resources to have tons of plastic surgery to 'fix' our bodies or our noses. Health insurance, for most people, will pay for weight loss surgery.

As a larger person with a LapBand, I would have been embarassed to have been a member of your studio audience. I would have felt ashamed of the choices that I have made in order to help me become heathier. And I'm sure that some of the larger members of your audience did experience some sort of embarassment of having weight called into a whole topic of discussion, or you left them questioning their choices to have any type of medical assistance to help with their weight loss.

So Wendy Williams, what do I do? Do I continue to watch your show, and hope that this was a one time indiscretion and that you will be better in the future? Or do I boycott your show going foward?

We all know that YOU are not a tiny little flower of a woman. You are big and tall, and you have a super sized reinforced chair and a ginormous couch. That's part of the reason that I like you, but if you refuse to see yourself in that light, then we might have a problem.

Sincerely,

Luka Beth

Dentist

I did break one of the teeth that is getting a crown on Monday. I got in at the dentist at 10am with the partner of my normal dentist.

She added some amalgam, shaped it up, and sent me on my way.... No charge. I was ready to cry.

I also only missed 1.25 hrs at work.

Since I'm not supposed to be chewing hard things, I've been crushing my chewable vitamins. This is my work mortar and pestle.

Cute, huh? It's a measuring spoon and the end of a steak knife. Necessity is the mother of invention.

Things noone tells you

Everyone, I can imagine, understands that when you lose a loved one, it can be devastating. Because my mom was in hospice, I had time to prepare (mentally) for what was to come, but noone tells you about the other things you will deal with.

1.  Financial hardship.  When my mom was in hospice, I used FMLA time and was there for weeks at a time, waiting....and waiting...and waiting. I cooked, and cleaned, and I bought food for the house, and gas for my moms car that I was driving. But I also had a house to maintain in Baltimore. I still had a car payment, insurance, rent, etc. for my home. So I used my 'emergency' credit card. It didn't take long to rack up debt, and it takes even longer to pay it off. Do I regret it? No, because it was my mom--and it's just money.  But having money makes life a little easier, you know? I will probably be paying off this debt for years. It's a constant reminder of everything that I have lost.

2. Mental health.  I can go weeks at a time, and be fine and well adjusted. And then one day, BAM! out of the blue, I get hit with depression. I get sad, and I miss my mom, and I hate that there is so much more to my life that she won't be there for. There are so many things that I am going to have to figure out on my own for the rest of my life...and it sucks. Even with time to prepare for the inevitable, it still never fully prepares you for life without a mom.

3.  Physical health.  I gained a TON of weight while my mom was sick. My days consisted of sitting and waiting. Cooking. Eating. Poor sleep. Repeat. For weeks on end, it was a waiting game. During the time she was in the hospital, it was the same, except the food being eaten was from the hospital cafeteria. Sleep was even worse because I slept in a recliner next to the phone just in case the phone call came in the middle of the night. I weighed 428 lbs when I started my journey six months after my mom passed. That was my highest weight ever. My blood pressure was high, my blood sugar was out of control. I suffered chronic yeast infections, and diflucan was my best friend. I had contstant headaches and body aches. I got out of breath easily.

4.  Dental health.  I grind my teeth in my sleep. I also find myself clenching my jaw when stressed, even while fully awake. Mouthgaurds help, but they aren't not a fail safe--especially when you take them out in your sleep. I broke another tooth last night. Half of it just came out while flossing. My teeth are shot. I have had two root canals in the past month, and was scheduled to have two crowns done on Monday. I have at least 4 crowns on schedule for 2014 when my dental insurance and flexible spending reup on January 1. Now, I have to schedule an appt today, if I can, to see what to do about this tooth. I'm going broke from my dental care.  

5.  Irrational jealousy.  I get jealous of other people who have moms. I know it's childish and selfish, but I do. It's the common factor of you have something I don't. The only thing is, you can't really share a mom. And you can't replace them. I think that my dad has the mindset that since he remarried, we (meaning her family and me) should all be on big happy family. That I should embrace her and her adult children as my siblings and everything will be hunky dory. Well, guess what--it's not. I'm too old for that. She is nothing more than my dads second wife, and his children are nothing more than spoiled freeloaders.

I'm sure there are more things that I will learn as I go forward with this process. I'm sorry--I just had to vent as I stare down another massive dental bill today.

Does it EVER get better?

Doing my best

Yesterday, I had great resolve to do my best and stick as close to plan as possible. I did AWESOME...until around 11pm last night, when the ELB brought me home a McDouble. In all fairness, I actually had asked him for it in a moment of weakness (I had been craving McD's for a while now). I ate it--albeit slowly and without all the bread...And then had to add like 400 calories (I counted the bread even though I didn't eat all of it) to my food diary for the day. I still clocked in under 1500--but it would have been so much nicer to have seen it at 1100. Que sera' sera. Although I did do some hella walking yesterday (almost 4 miles), it still makes me have to reevaluate my choices sometimes.

I've been on point again today--I've had around 800 calories for the day. I'd like to stick it under 1200, but as long as I don't go over 1500, I feel accomplished.

Even though I've been taking the vitamins religiously since last Monday, I'm still feeling really tired and sluggish. Last night, by 9:30, I was struggling to keep my eyes open. I was supossed to watch The Black List to tell the ELB what happened--and I made it 10 minutes in before I zonked out.

I go in next Wednesday for a check up/fill, and even though all of my bloodwork came back great from my primary doctor, I'll ask my surgeon about my fatigue. Until then, I'm going to keep taking the vitamins and drinking my water and counting my calories and fighting the good fight!

New Resolve

Yes, I know, it's THAT post again. The one that I write every so often that says I'm going to do better. I'm going to eat better. I'm going to get back on track. Yeah, I know--the start post of another set of failure.

This time will be different. I spent my weekend being a slug. I ate way too many cookies. I didn't exercise, even though I have an elliptical right in the kitchen that I paid almost $1000 for a few years ago. I was crampy and bloated and tired and headachy.

But today is Monday. Today is the start of a brand new week! I have 1.5 weeks until my next weigh in/fill appointment.

I am starting with a brand new food journal this morning, even though my last one still had about two weeks worth of pages in it. I am going to stick with my vitamins. I am going to walk every day (or use the elliptical--or BOTH!). I will try to get down as much water as possible. I will eat protiens and vegetables, and will do my best to stay away from the carbohydrate calories in things like cookies, ice cream, bread, and candy. I can't guarantee that I will be excellent at this one, but I will significantly reduce the amount that I eat of them.

It's so hard to get back into the right frame of mind when you've let yourself stray. It takes resolve and dedication and, yes, some HELLA willpower. I've let myself become lazy and I can't keep going like this. I'm already afraid that November 13 will show me with a gain. I do NOT want to see a gain!

But I can do this. I will take each day as it comes. I will NOT buy junk food. I will stop visiting the candy bowls of my coworkers. I will stick with what food I bring to work. I WILL do better. I will be the best me that I can be.

It's going to be hard. I'll go through withdrawal. I'll be hungry. I'll probably be bitchy. But in 7-10 days, I will feel better. I have done it before, I can do it again! The trick is sticking with it long term.

Not a good Saturday

I am a lazy bum. I haven't even gotten dressed today. The ELB has been gone all day. I've been on the couch, watching junky movies and eating my way through a box of Italian cookies that I (should not) have bought at Sam's club Friday morning.

That's like 5000 calories or something.... Not really sure because I haven't kept count of how many I have shoved in my pie hole.

I have been the worst bander. I have been bad about not tracking my food. I haven't been watching my calories. I'm really afraid that I'll show a gain at my next appointment on November 13.

I think I will be getting another fill this month. I just don't know how to tell my brain to recognize that the signals that say I'm full, or I'm not hungry. I really think that part of me is broken.

Happy period my @ss

I am on the pill.  It's awesome and wonderful. I have regular periods. The ELB and I can get freaknasty whenever we want. And because I'm regulated, I should be able to get pregnant easier when the time comes for that next step. And the added bonus is that the horrible heavy flooding periods of my teens and twenties have been reduced to what I consider "normal". I don't have to wear double layers of pads. I don't have to sleep on a bath towel while wearing double panties AND shorts. I can function and not be afraid to stand up after sitting or laying for an extended period. I can sneeze without fear that it will look like a murder has occured. I am not doubled over in pain, so nauseated that I can't even get down Midol, and like I had to do mutliple times when I was 12, call my mom to come and take me home.

However, every few months, I get hit with a bad visit from Aunt Flow. And this is that month. I am bloated. I am crampy (the kind of crampy that makes me use lamaaz breathing to get through). I have irrational cravings (last night, vanilla ice cream with sea salt on top which tasted AWESOME). I have eaten what feels to be TONS of chocolate (but in reality has only been a few candy bars--but that is ALOT for me).

I am having hormone rushes (like, I'll be fine and then BAM! I'm flushed and red and sweaty). I'm having mood swings bigger than the pirate ship ride at the fair. And all while dealing with work (because this is our GO time from now until the end of January coupled with a new computer system).

I'm so ready to call this week over. I want to go home. I want to put on my comfy (black) sweat pants and get out of these jeans. I want to eat junk, and watch stupid tv and veg out.

I'm being a whiny little b!tch, and you know what, it's okay. Because I feel like crap.

But it reminds me of the Happy Period market campaign from Always (the only brand I use!), and how it was really a total fail. But the best part was this letter, that said everything I was thinking. And it made me laugh to remember when my bestie and I were both having our cycles and getting so p!ssed at Always for trying to tell us to be happy. Happy? Seriously? I just lost enough blood to require a tranfusion, and you want me to be Happy?

Read the letter, have a laugh--and a great weekend.