Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Post for Week five

This is the post that I wrote for week five, and then never posted. I'm posting it now because I really think I need to. I will get caught up.  I've been incapaciated with a nasty cold since last week--and then the hurricane canceled our class this week. But don't worry--I'll be getting better about this. I promise. :)

Week Five:

Week five was actually all about reading food labels.  I know, right? It was informative, but I know how to read a food label. And no one really did any extraneous talking about their personal issues—SCORE! But it also makes for a very boring class.
On the plus side, I lost 2lbs, even with the visit from my Aunt Flow that made me eat EVERYTHING.IN.SIGHT.  Luckily, I tried my best to make sure that everything in sight was healthy. 
As I get further into this process and I begin to accept the entire lifestyle change that this entails, it’s becoming more obvious that the people in my class will also be a support system.  They are the ones who show up every week (mostly) and sit through the classes with me. They are the ones that hang out with me before class, talking in the halls about the previous week and the challenges we faced.  How we ate two servings instead of one. How we went over on our calorie counts. How we got stressed out and ate a whole container of cookies, or just couldn’t resist that trip through the McDonalds drive through (not me!).
Going into this process, I made the decision from the beginning that I would only go through with it if I was able to get the Lap-Band. This is a personal decision that I came to, and I plan to stick with it. I also made the decision that I would keep this entire process a secret. I don’t plan on telling my co-workers. I haven’t told my best friend. I don’t plan on telling my family. The only people who know this process are my boyfriend, a good friend who had her own band done, the people in my class, and anyone reading this. I am ANONYMOUS.
Starting this journey has been hard.  Making the decision to attend the information session took huge chutzpah on my part. Who wants to admit that they have a problem, much less have to seek out help to resolve it in a public forum? I’m very stubborn. I thought I could do this on my own—but I can’t. And the help I need is in the form of major surgery that will hopefully shut up my brain when it realizes that I can’t eat everything it tells me to shove in my gullet. 
So yes, expect some bitching and whining over the next year or so—or however long I decide to keep this going. I know me. I will most likely count calories until I drive people crazy. I will ask questions of my friend about her band until she probably stops talking to me. I will complain that I’m hungry. I will still try to find humor in my classes that I can share here. But I also want to be real, with myself and with you. I want people to know that this isn’t as easy as it’s made out to be. I feel like I’m starting the war to end all wars—the war with myself.  Because I know that I AM my biggest enemy. I will be the first person to sabotage myself. I will find reasons to justify that cookie, or the swing through the drive through, or justify any weight gain as hormonal. So, not only am I accountable to my boyfriend, and two BBF’s from class (Bariatric Best Friends), but I am also making myself accountable to YOU!

Monday, October 22, 2012

Weeks 5 and 6

I had written a post about week 5 and reading nutrition labels, and then never got around to posting it. Then last week was exercise week, and then two days later I got the stomach flu and have been incapacitated since then.

I hope to post an update before week 7 class tomorrow.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Week 4 (or all Dundalk, all the time!)

Adding to the cast of characters this week:
Chipmunk--the Clinicial psychologist/psychiatrist
Now--aunt of Later
Minny--older black woman who is totally channeling Octavia Spencer from The Help. No joke!
Marge—older white woman with a raspy smoker voice. She just makes me think of a Marge.

This week, Blondie took the night off, and we had a guest leader whose first name was a cute little furry animal---so for privacy sake, I'm going to call her Chipmunk! Using the actual cute little furry animal might be too much of a giveaway.

Chipmunk was there to help us learn to recognize why we eat, and what triggers our eating habits. It's a topic that would have been interesting to pursue more in-depth, as I know that this is one of the issues I need help with. What DOESN’T trigger me to eat is a more valid question.

Some highlights of the night are below.  Unfortunately, my BBF was absent because she’s on an awesome vacation, where at last email, she was having an eating blowout.  And Amber was also absent for reasons unknown.  Tennessee was also missing again.  I hope he didn’t give up already! And apparently, in Ambers absence, Dundalk plopped herself RIGHT NEXT TO ME for the night, so I got to be HER new Best Friend. I actually spent most of the class with my head turned away to avoid breathing in her cigarette smoke and unwashed state of dress. At least Amber is clean, even if she's wearing PJ's.  

On triggers:
Chipmunk: Okay, now I want you to think about reasons why people eat? What kind of triggers involve food? What makes you eat when maybe you really aren’t hungry?
Now:  Celebrations.  People always want to celebrate things with food.
Chipmunk: Good, anyone else?
Minny: Barb-b-que.
Chipmunk: Okay, that's a good answer as a trigger food--but I'm actually looking more for trigger behaviors. 
Minny: The smell of it cooking. The way it tastes.
Dundalk: Spicy food!  
Chipmunk: Okay, so spicy food makes you want to eat?
Dundalk: I LOVE spicy food. I can eat it all the time. (wait for it--contradiction to follow!)
Chipmunk: Okay, but what I'm really looking for is an external trigger that makes you want to eat. Things like celebrating an event. Birthday parties, for example.
Marge: Sorrow?
Chipmunk: Yes, depression can be a trigger.
Marge: No, I meant a funeral. You know, when people bring a lot of food to the house.
Chipmunk: So not actual depression, but just the availability of food?
Marge: Yes….maybe…

On recognizing hunger:
Chipmunk: How do you know when you’re hungry? What signals you to say that you need to eat?
Now: Your stomach growls.
Chipmunk: Good. Anyone else?
Dundalk: I don’t know. I never get hungry.
Chipmunk: You NEVER get hungry?
Dundalk: Nope. I’m forced to eat three times a day, but I don’t ever get hungry.
Chipmunk: You’re forced to eat?
Dundalk: I’m never hungry, so I have to be forced to eat, and I have to take pills for nausea because thinking about food makes me sick.
Marge: I get a headache.
Chipmunk: (to Marge) Good example. Sometimes, that’s an indication of low blood sugar.
Dundalk: I hate eating (another contradiction—we are in a weight loss class!).
Chipmunk: (you can literally see the wheels turning in her brain). I see.  So you are never hungry? You are forced to eat, and you take pills just to contemplate eating?
Dundalk: Yeah.
Chipmunk: Hmmmm…..

On signals for being full:
Chipmunk:  Satiety.  Do you know what it means? It means to be satiated, or to feel full or complete. So, what does being full feel like?
Now: Being full feels like being satiated.
Chipmunk: Yes, but I just said that. What does being full FEEL like to you? How do you know when you are full and when to stop eating?
Minny: When I’m stuffed and I can’t eat another bite!
Dundalk: When I’ve eaten so much I can’t possibly eat anything else, and I’m vomiting because my stomach can’t hold anything more?
Chipmunk: Yes, when you have eaten so much that your body can’t hold anymore food and is forcing elimination, that would be the point that you are past full. 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

The past week....

The past week has been trying, especially on the eating part. 

Weekends are my weak points. I know this. I admit this freely. I get bored, and suddenly, my idle hands are thinking of things to shove in my mouth. So I look for ways to fill the hours that don't involve eating (or biting my finger nails--another bad habit).

This weekend, I pulled out a knitting kit that I bought two years ago. It's for kids. It has HUGE wooden knitting needles (color coded red and blue). It came with super thick funky pink yarn.  The idea is that a kid can knit the Chunky Funky Scarf in less than two hours.  I have tried to knit this scarf (on and off) UNSUCCESSFULLY or over two years now.

WTF. I'm not an idiot. I am college educated. But for the life of me, I cannot knit this stupid scarf. I can (sorta) get the casting on. I can do a whole row of stitches--but when it comes to switching hands and going backwards---it all goes downhill from there.

In between trying to teach myself how to knit, I ate a ton of steamed rice and sauteed veggies. Figured that if I was going stuff my face, I would make it somewhat healthy. I did pretty good the rest of the time, until yesterday. I stress eat, and I got stressed at work, which resulted in me walking through the door at home and eating 3 slices of deli ham and a Fiber One brownie. Then I ate my grilled chicken and grilled brussels sprouts for dinner.

Class/weigh in is tonight.  Keeping my fingers crossed that I didn't gain (I've lost each week so far), and hoping that my visit from Aunt Flow won't cause me to retain too much water this week.

See, I can be serious, too.  And maybe I'll try to be a little less mean.