Saturday, November 30, 2013


I made chicken corn chowder.... Which is basically potato soup with  chicken and corn... Well my recipe is anyways.

I made it on the crock pot last Wednesday... Dumping in chopped potatoes (with skins) in chicken broth, diced onion, celery, shredded chicken, and frozen corn. Adding soy milk before eating. and then I added a 1/2 cup of qdoba salsa Verde BC it needed spice.

The first bowl I get stuck. I can't figure out why... And then I see the potato skins.

Sigh. Now when I eat this batch I have to pick out the skins. It's still good... And I guess it will help me slow down my eating if I have to look at every bite.

Lesson learned. Again.

Does life with the band ever get easier?

Friday, November 29, 2013

getting skooled (again)

Some people NEVER learn...and by that 'some people', I really mean ME.

Stopped for gas on the way to work, and got some coffee. Stupidly picked up a breakfast sandwich while in line to pay for coffee.

Two bites in, I remember that I can't eat this early.


Old habits are so hard to change. It gets schooled into you that you should eat breakfast, it's the most important meal of the day! So, I try to eat breakfast. And since this fill, I fail at that. But I still have it in my head that I have to eat breakfast (it's the MOST IMPORTANT MEAL of the DAY), because my head tells me, "hey, it's the morning. time to eat!" and Donny is going, "girl, you be trippin'"...because honestly, what super white girl DOESN'T have a fabulous and fly black woman as their voice of reason (or the voice of their LapBand)?

I just stirred a half scoop of Unjury into my remaining coffee so that I have some redeeming nutritional value to my morning.

Happy post Turkey day! Other than WAY too much pumpkin pie filling with cool whip (btw, the ramekins without crust so worked good that I don't think I'll want crust on my pumpkin pie ever again!), the day was pretty quiet and relaxing.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Random thoughts for a cold rainy Tuesday

1. Breakfast  and me are no longer friends. I've found out the hard way that solid food before I have been awake for any less than 4 hours isn't happening since this last fill. So, now, my protien coffee becomes my standard breakfast--which is fine, because I need that bitch to function anyways.

2.  Lentil soup is pretty good. I got a can of Progresso Lentil soup on sale at Giant for 88cents a few weeks ago, and I've been waiting to try it. I was actually afraid it would suck, and I would end up throwing it away. I opened it yesterday for lunch, and even though the initial smell reminded me of Alpo, once I heated it and added some black pepper, it was pretty good. The calories are a little higher at 160/serving, but there's 9 grams of protien in 1 cup of it--so that's not to bad. It also had good reheat value when I had the rest of the can today. I guess the days of eating a whole can of soup WITH a sandwich are no more.

3. In the evenings, I find that if I take my time and chew thoroughly, I can have a nice 'normal' meal of protien and vegetable without issue. Last night, I had grilled chicken nuggets from CFA for the first time in a while--and I did okay with them. Chew Chew Chew. Of course, I ordered a 12 pc b/c I share with the ELB. I had 4. He had the other 8. Along with his large order of fries, regular sandwich, and large dr. pepper.

4.  I don't get food jealous any more.In the past, I would get superbly jealous of other peoples meal choices when we would go out to dinner. I would always want to order last so that I could see if whatever anyone else was ordering would possibly be better than my choice.  Last Saturday when I went to dinner with my two work friends, I knew that I wanted French Onion soup--and that's what I ordered. One friend got a petite filet and broccoli, and the other got a huge plate of fettuccini. Was I food jealous? Not. A. Bit.  

5.  I really like cookies.  I don't know why I'm throwing that out there, but I do. Cake, candy---meh. But give me a cookie, and I'm all over it. Maybe because I have yet to have issues eating a cookie. Who knows. 

6.  I'm dying to get a new crock pot so that I can try out so many new and different recipes that really don't work in my old school circa 1972 avacado green tall round pot. I want the super cute and stainless steel and programmable 6 qt model that will fulfill my every stomachs desire. I'm investing in this thing so that it will last forever. I'm the most serious crock pot shopper out there. I know what I want and I know what I'm willing to pay for it. I'm going to be perusing the sales papers tomorrow for black friday specials.

7.  I'm making roast beef and potatos for Thanksgiving dinner. The ELB is super okay with that. Did you know that one package of cubed stew beef makes a ton of meals for us? I can't really enjoy the beef anymore, so the ELB will eat that--but I get full dibs on all the beef broth.  Which will then become vegetable soup or beef stew, and at least one dish of sauteed onions/mushrooms in beefy goodness. For $12, you can't go wrong.

8. I'm being SUPER economical lately because I'm a broke ass bitch. I had to pay a parking ticket (bogus!), I have to pay my county taxes, and trying to budget for vacation. I made a trip to Sams club yesterday and spent $100 on food, and then spent $35 today at Giant. This should get us through the next two weeks with minimal meals out. And part of the purchases were Halls SF cough drops ($7.50 for 180 drops), plus another $6 for freezer bags so that I can cook and portion out the chicken I bought.

9.  Why is Mio so damn expensive? $3.99 each? Luckily, they were 2/$6, and I had a coupon for a dollar off--but still, expensive! We love the lemon one because it's like Country Time Lemonade--but they only had ONE lemon today. Sigh.

10.  Happy Thanksgiving, ya'll. Enjoy some turkey for me. I'll be eating pumpkin pie! :)

Monday, November 25, 2013

Am I doing this right?

The Green Zone.

It's what we all want and strive to reach as Banders. I know that I've wanted to get there for a while--so that I could finally start seeing some downward scale progress.

I am currently at 6.5 cc. I got my most recent fill on November 13.

I have learned that eating in the morning has been a big NO lately. Usually, I have coffee in the morning, with Unjury protien powder and soy milk. About 5 hours later, I will have something small for lunch (3/4 cup of some kind of protien packed soup or chili). Dinner is usually around another 5 hours later. Some days (like this weekend), I went all day on nothing but coffee, and I didn't miss eating.

Saturday, I didn't have my coffee. I met a friend for lunch at Wegmans around 2pm, and we hit the a la carte' food bar. I got 1/4 cup of sesame chicken and 1/4 cup of oven roasted broccoli. The first bite of broccoli, I get stuck. And it refuses to budge. And I start to slime and slime. But I'm swallowing it back, hoping that it will pass because my friend doesn't know about my surgery. Finally, I realize that I need to go RIGHT NOW or there will be bad things happening. I bolt for the bathroom--and I don't make it. Thank GOD that they have a hand washing area with a sink in a little alcove. I make it there and very discretely expunge a ton of slime. Then I go to the bathroom and slime some more. I think it's done, and I head back to the table. I don't eat anything, but just sit and chat--and then I have to go AGAIN because I'm still sliming.

Now my friend is worried. She thinks I have the flu. I almost came clean and told her the truth, but I don't. Instead I tell her that I have alot of phlegm from sinus drainage. She buys it, but I still kind of want to tell her--but I'm not going to...yet. Maybe one day, but right now, it's not worth taking the chance.

After my episode, I can't really eat or drink anything without being afraid to get stuck again. But later, our other friend shows up, and she wants to hit Boardwalk for french fries. And I ate some french fries without any issue. Then later, at dinner, I ate some Bloomin' onion just fine.

I know that I need to work on seeing if I can handle solid protien and not rely on slider foods (which I consider jelly beans, cookies, and anything fried) for sustenance. I don't want to go down the slippery slope of only being able to get slider foods while real food gets stuck.

I'm giving myself this week to figure things out. No slider foods. Focus on eating healthy and getting on track with my portions, protien, and chew chew chew. And come next Monday, if I'm still having trouble with real food, I will go in for an adjustment. I think that I just need to do better with the actual consumption with chewing and smaller bites to avoid getting stuck, which causes the swelling, that makes it hard to eat real food.

Any suggestions? Concerns? Am I in the green or am I in the red and causing more harm than good?

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Ten things...

So, even though I don't really get invited to do the TTT, I just feel like posting some sh!t, and doing it by number. Will there be 10? I don't know.

1.  I noticed that my front tire has been making noise since the oil change/tire rotation I got two weeks ago. Kind of like a jingling. I noticed yesterday that the wheel cover looked a little weird, so I called the local dealership and they said bring it in.  When I pulled in, they looked at the tire, and were like, "your lug nuts aren't secure". Seriously. I have been driving for TWO WEEKS on a tire that could have fallen off at any time. I.AM.PISSED. at the dealership where I bought my car, because they are the ones that screwed up. I am in love with this local one that fixed my car for FREE.

2.  I'm going out with my 'work' friends on Saturday to see the new Hunger Games movie. I have always shied away from going to movies on the weekends that they open because of the crowds.  Fat girl + lots of people (usually teenagers) = uncomfortable time for me. However, my two friends are also fluffy girls--and they really want to go Saturday, so I'm going to suck it up and not voice my insecurity. We have a whole girls afternoon planned. My goal? To spend less than $20 the whole day (not counting the ticket that I already bought online).

3.  A nasty cold has been going around the office this week. Two people in my current work area are sick, and another few are sprinkled around the building. I am doing my best to stay germ free--staying in my desk area except for bathroom breaks, using hand sanitizer, and keeping my hands out of my mouth/eyes. Fingers crossed I can get through.

4.  Tomorrow, I am taking a mental health day from work. I won't have another scheduled day off until 12/20--and then VACATION starting 12/28. Other than my surgery, I haven't had an extended period off this whole year. I need a break. After I get my temp crown adjusted, the ELB and I are heading to DC (he has a gig), and then we will be going out to dinner at Burger Tap Shake. I forsee a Big Daddy burger (sans bun) and half of a boozy shake in my future!

5.  The holiday is next week, and the ELB and I don't do a darn thing for it. Can I cook? Hell yes. Am I going to? Hell no. The ELB doesn't want Thanksgiving, and I don't think I can really eat it/enjoy it right now. I am determined to make some mini pumpkin pies just for me, just because it would be a crime to not get a pumpkin pie. I think that the ginormous pumpkin pie that you Sams club sells is the most delicious pumpkin pie in the world (besides the ones that my mom used to make when I was a kid). I'm going to forgo the huge pie and get some pumpkin and make my own tart size ones. Maybe I'll forgo the crust and just bake them in the ramekins, instead. That would be healthier, right? And pumpkin is good for you!

6.  Did I mention that I am counting down to vacation? I mailed the final installment for our condo payment yesterday, so other than coming up with the money for gas (which should be easier with a Prius) and food (which is easier since we will cook in for almost every meal) we are ready to go. The ELB is looking forward to it just as much as I am. Five Weeks, give or take a few days. Sigh. So so close!

7.  I've been struggling to figure out what to buy my dad (and his wife) for Christmas this year. Last year, I regifted an item to her that I got from the yankee swap gift exchange at work, and she loved it. This year, I plan on regifting a gift that I bought for the yankee swap two years ago, and then ended up getting back. I think that she will get that, my dad will get the two pairs of plaid PJ pants that I got on clearance at Kohls over the summer (they are UVA plaid so he will love them), and then we will get them a gift card to either Red Lobster or Cracker Barrel to finish it out. I'm poor, and I have a feeling that I'm going to be getting jack from them, so why spend alot of money I don't have. Besides, I asked my dad what they wanted/needed and he said "absolutely nothing". I don't feel bad regifting things to her, because everything I have given her has been brand new and very nice--whereas, last year from her, I got a book that she had read (if the folded corners and stained pages were any indication), and the ELB got a 'free gift' key chain.

8.  Am I too bitter? Because #7 seemed to be kind of "bitter, party of one"....but it's all true--so how can the truth be bitter?

9. I'm making friends. The 'work' friends from # 2 are starting to turn into 'real' friends. Making friends is a slow process. We have progressed from work colleagues, to lunch buddies, and now to actually seeing each other on a weekend friends. Will we ever get to the point that they would be emergency contacts, or anything like that? I think they could. They are nice girls (even if they ARE conservative Republicans--whereas I am NOT), so as long as we don't talk about politics, we get along famously! It's been a while since I've had girl friends--I have my best friend, but she's in Michigan, and we haven't actually seen each other since 2009, although we do keep in touch by phone and email and text. The ELB is my bestest friend, but he's supossed to be, but these girls have potential. I'm glad I met them!

10.  I need to get Tide and gas on the way home tonight--and maybe some canned pumpkin!

Later, gators!     

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

cheating...on myself

I have been a bad bander.

Since my restriction has increased, I've discovered a new found appreciation for slider foods.

Milkshakes (although in all fairness I only had this after that horrible stuck episode), cookies, chips, chocolate. The list goes on.

It seems like for every healthy choice I make, I made one on the flipside that is worse!

Oh, can't have bread because you'll get all stuck up? That's okay! Cookies don't get stuck!

Really want crackers with your soup but you defer because of carbs? Well, good thing that chocolate bar slides right through!

Eating soup because solid protien is too much to contemplate? Well, lucky you! You can satisfy your solid food craving with Doritos!

Yes, this IS how my brain (and apparently stomach) are currently thinking.

It stops today.

Okay, looking back in retrospect, I had one milkshake (split with the ELB last Saturday). I had one of those $0.50 cent bags of Doritos (and one of Cheetos). And I had 5 Voortman cherry turnover cookies. And one Reeses cup.

In the past, this could have been TRIPLED, and would have most likely have all occured in maybe just one day of eating. Instead of the tiny bag of Doritos, it would have been the family size option from Sams club. Instead of just 5 cookies over 3 days--it would have been the entire package in one sitting. Instead of splitting the milkshake, I would have had the whole thing to myself--and added in the chicken sandwich and large fries to finish it out--make it a balanced meal, you know?

I'm not perfect. I struggle ALL THE TIME. Even with new found restriction, my brain keeps telling me that I need to eat more. I use the small plates and tiny silverware. I don't drink while eating. I know all the tricks--I just need to retrain my brain to accept them as 'normal'.

Small victories this week--NOT caving to Burger King the other day for lunch.  Or caving this morning for breakfast.  Getting in my protien. Walking every morning.  Working on getting my water up with my restriction.

Things I need to work on--get rid of the cookies. I just put them out for coworkers. Walking MORE than I currently am. Taking smaller bites. And most importantly, NOT eating anything after 8pm. I've found that if I eat anything after 8pm, when I go to bed at 11, it still feels like it's floating around in there and I'm so afraid that I'll regurgitate in my sleep and choke on my own stomach contents. Gross, but it's making it easier to say no to things.

It's hump day.  Countdown to the weekend.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

So far, so good

With this latest fill, I actually think that I am doing good, now that the swelling from my two post fill disasters has receeded.

Yesterday, I flipped Burger King the bird for tormenting me with the smell of flame broiled awesomness. I knew that I couldn't eat it or enjoy it--but the smell of it almost made me get in the drive thru line and order it anyways. But I got in my car and I drove away--very quickly before I could change my mind.

Last night, I had 2 oz of chicken and 1/2 of a sweet potato cooked in that StoneWave cooker. I got it a few weeks ago, tempted to make the beefy onion and the chocolate souffle thing. I did made the beefy onion--and it was okay. I also made the chocolate cake thing--and it was okay--kind of dry. But there was a little recipe for sweet potato, and it turned out AWESOME. I didn't follow the recipe--I just chopped up 1/2 of a sweet potato, sprinkled with brown sugar, cinnamon, and a dash of salt--and a dollop of Smart Balance  on top--cooked for three minutes--and then let it sit and residual cook for another 5. It was delicious. I plan on having it again tonight.

Fingers crossed that this fill will help me to finally start on the downward slope towards continued weight loss. Since surgery, I think I've lost a total of 10 lbs. I lost other 60 prior to surgery by incorporating diet and exercise. I'm ready for my transformation to begin--and now I'm embracing it.

Peace out!

Monday, November 18, 2013


Am I possibly in the green zone now, or did I speed right by into the red?

I got a fill last Wednesday. I deffinitely have some major restriction. This was quickly evidenced with my bagel experience on Thursday.

I am learning very quickly that I have been a lazy bander until now. These are the changes I'm figuring out on my journey (as of last Wednesday):

Bread = evil
Things with skins (like potatoes) = MORE evil
Poorly chewed bites=satan
 Eating too fast= a horrible decision that I will regret

I figured out the whole potato thing on Saturday. I ate ONE bite of a potato wedge while driving to Philly on Saturday morning. I got stuck. I slimed for FORTY MINUTES, spitting into an empty cup while the ELB drove. The whole time, he's trying not to hurl HIS cookies, because he is a sympathetic gagger. Finally, I had him pull over, I walked around, and then steathily retreated to the bathroom with a bottle of water where I 'floated' the instigator out. Is it disgusting? Yes, but it works, and after that, I was okay. Irritated, but okay. I had nothing else to eat that day until dinner when I had a small chicken tortilla soup and a milkshake from Chickfila (the milkshake felt good in my irritated tummy).

Since then, I have been trying to be very careful with my choices. I am limiting my portions and NOT going back for seconds. Water is very slow to go down.

I'm going to see how I do by Wednesday, and then decide if I need a slight unfill (slight meaning like 0.1 cc or something). I don't know what Green should feel like. I can eat, and not get sick unless I swallow too big of a bite, or try to eat too fast. I can't drink water as quickly. I'm not PBing everything I put in my mouth, which I think is a positive. I do get little gurgle burps when I drink things--which is like air coming to the top of my tummy, but it's not pain or anything.

Does it sound like I'm in the zone? Or am I too tight? I am planning to stick with soft foods for another day or so, and to continue crushing my pills for a few more days.

Any other advice?

Friday, November 15, 2013


This has been my week. Nonstop. Running constantly.

It's almost over.

I had an appointment with my surgeon on Wednesday. I hoped for the best, but prepared for the worst.

I gained 2.2 lbs. I got another fill. I'm now at 6.5cc.

I did awesome Wednesday, then was stupid yesterday. Every day this week has started at 5am. I have been out the door by 6:30 so that I could be at the offsite locations by 7:30. Yesterday, I had coffee for breakfast. Just coffee.  And unfortunately, I had some candy--because I didn't have anything to eat until after 2pm.

At 2pm, I forgot that I just had a fill--and I tried to eat 1/2 of a bagel. Okay, I DID eat half the bagel--and then my tighter new band said, "F*ck no, bitch". Whereby, I promptly began to slime, ran to the bathroom (which was closed because it was being cleaned), so I was spitting into the water fountain drain--then ran in and PB (I physically threw it up). I felt like crap.

Last night, I had the WORST headach that resembled a knife stabbing repeatedly through my eyeball. I went to bed early, and woke up feeling somewhat better thanks to the ELB (wink wink). Then, at work, I'm booking through voicemails and emails when my vision goes wonky. Like, I was looking through a glass of water.

I freaked out. It lasted about 20 minutes. I could see clearly if I was looking directly at something--but my peripheral was watery. I started to email my PCP for what I should do--go to her, go to urgent care, go to the emergency room--and in the meantime, I took some tylenol and some sudafed. By the time I finished typing my email, my eyes were back to normal.  I hope it was just stress, but if it happens again, I'm going to the doctor, pronto!

Luckily, I think that I'm at a good restiction level. I can eat and drink, as as long as I take my time, I am not having any other issues. Water is definitely slower going through, so I can't drink as much as I normally do--and it's hard to sip constantly--so I'm afraid that I will not be able to get my water in, but I'm going to try. I didn't realize how hard just getting in my water.

Hope that you have a good weekend. I'm exhausted, and as bad as it is for me, I am having alcohol tonight. I need it. I deserve it after this craptacular week!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Recipe alert

I like to make chicken salad to eat during the week at work. The only problem is, as much as I love it, I can get bored with it.

So I mixed up a different version this week.

Lukas taco chicken salad crostini

Taco chicken salad recipe:
1 can (13 oz), drained and shredded
3/4 c 0% Greek yogurt
1/4 c Hellman's real mayo
1/2 pack taco seasoning
1/4 c shredded cheddar
Mix up and let sit overnight to let flavors develop.

I spread on toasted baguette chips (I bought a panera baguette and had them slice it thin then toasted in oven until crispy) then topped with black beans and corn, drained and rinsed. It turned out really good!

Sunday, November 10, 2013


The ELB was off so we rode to Ocean City for the day. We walked the boardwalk (5 miles), had a slice of pizza at Dough Roller, got some Thrashers fries, then headed home.

We saw these disturbing windsocks that ARE shaped as what you think they are.

It was a good day.

Friday, November 8, 2013

It's the most wonderful time....of the year!

Hot off the presses---Chicken Tortilla soup is BACK at Chickfila according to a text that I just got from the ELB!

My life (meaning lunch/dinner options) from now until March has significantly improved.

Don't get me wrong--I make a pretty good knock off version--but they just get it RIGHT--that no matter how much I tweak my recipe, it fails to get that flavor.

So, don't take my word for it--go out and get your super LapBand friendly Chicken Tortilla soup and try it for yourself.

And no, Chickfila did not pay me to endorse this wonderfully awesome product for them--but if they came knocking and said, hey, do you want free soup for being awesome--I deffinitely wouldn't say no!

Thursday, November 7, 2013

An Open Letter to Wendy Williams

Dear Wendy Williams,

How you doin'?

Let me preface this letter by saying that I really do like your show. I don't watch any talk shows, but when I get home in time to do so, I like to watch yours.

That's why I'm so regreful of having to write this letter.

Yesterday, I really feel that you went too far with your discussion of weight loss surgery and LapBand.  You said some things that I took offence to, and I wanted to point these out to you as a reference point for future use.

1.  LapBand and weight loss.  You made a comment that pretty much said that when someone had weight loss surgery that they should drop a ton of weight in a minute. That's NOT how the LapBand works.  The LapBand is a tool to help control the amount of food eaten to aid in weight loss.  People who have the RNY or Sleeve tend to have super quick weight loss.  The LapBand is designed to help people lose an average of 1.5-2lbs a week.  There is no guarantee that it will come off this quickly. Some of us still continue to struggle, even with a LapBand.

2.  You pointed out that Chris Christie has not lost any weight with his LapBand. I beg to differ.  If you look at the pictures you used to illustrate your point, I could see a significant difference in the body shape. Of course, fatties such as myself know where to look to see weight loss in other fatties. It's a gift. There aren't any official weight loss numbers released on his progress, but the pictures say enough.

3.  You joked that Ruben Stoddard should get TWO LapBands. Do you have any idea how stupid you sounded saying that? Don't get me wrong--I'm all about getting a laugh, but seriously? Not funny.

I understand that you have a talk show that is all about ratings and such, but before making comments about fat people and weight loss surgeries, maybe you should take a good long look at your audience. Not just the one in the studio, but the ones that actually watch your show and drive your ratings. I would assume that at least HALF of your viewing audience struggles with their weight or their body image. Not all of us have the money or resources to have tons of plastic surgery to 'fix' our bodies or our noses. Health insurance, for most people, will pay for weight loss surgery.

As a larger person with a LapBand, I would have been embarassed to have been a member of your studio audience. I would have felt ashamed of the choices that I have made in order to help me become heathier. And I'm sure that some of the larger members of your audience did experience some sort of embarassment of having weight called into a whole topic of discussion, or you left them questioning their choices to have any type of medical assistance to help with their weight loss.

So Wendy Williams, what do I do? Do I continue to watch your show, and hope that this was a one time indiscretion and that you will be better in the future? Or do I boycott your show going foward?

We all know that YOU are not a tiny little flower of a woman. You are big and tall, and you have a super sized reinforced chair and a ginormous couch. That's part of the reason that I like you, but if you refuse to see yourself in that light, then we might have a problem.


Luka Beth

Wednesday, November 6, 2013


I did break one of the teeth that is getting a crown on Monday. I got in at the dentist at 10am with the partner of my normal dentist.

She added some amalgam, shaped it up, and sent me on my way.... No charge. I was ready to cry.

I also only missed 1.25 hrs at work.

Since I'm not supposed to be chewing hard things, I've been crushing my chewable vitamins. This is my work mortar and pestle.

Cute, huh? It's a measuring spoon and the end of a steak knife. Necessity is the mother of invention.

Things noone tells you

Everyone, I can imagine, understands that when you lose a loved one, it can be devastating. Because my mom was in hospice, I had time to prepare (mentally) for what was to come, but noone tells you about the other things you will deal with.

1.  Financial hardship.  When my mom was in hospice, I used FMLA time and was there for weeks at a time, waiting....and waiting...and waiting. I cooked, and cleaned, and I bought food for the house, and gas for my moms car that I was driving. But I also had a house to maintain in Baltimore. I still had a car payment, insurance, rent, etc. for my home. So I used my 'emergency' credit card. It didn't take long to rack up debt, and it takes even longer to pay it off. Do I regret it? No, because it was my mom--and it's just money.  But having money makes life a little easier, you know? I will probably be paying off this debt for years. It's a constant reminder of everything that I have lost.

2. Mental health.  I can go weeks at a time, and be fine and well adjusted. And then one day, BAM! out of the blue, I get hit with depression. I get sad, and I miss my mom, and I hate that there is so much more to my life that she won't be there for. There are so many things that I am going to have to figure out on my own for the rest of my life...and it sucks. Even with time to prepare for the inevitable, it still never fully prepares you for life without a mom.

3.  Physical health.  I gained a TON of weight while my mom was sick. My days consisted of sitting and waiting. Cooking. Eating. Poor sleep. Repeat. For weeks on end, it was a waiting game. During the time she was in the hospital, it was the same, except the food being eaten was from the hospital cafeteria. Sleep was even worse because I slept in a recliner next to the phone just in case the phone call came in the middle of the night. I weighed 428 lbs when I started my journey six months after my mom passed. That was my highest weight ever. My blood pressure was high, my blood sugar was out of control. I suffered chronic yeast infections, and diflucan was my best friend. I had contstant headaches and body aches. I got out of breath easily.

4.  Dental health.  I grind my teeth in my sleep. I also find myself clenching my jaw when stressed, even while fully awake. Mouthgaurds help, but they aren't not a fail safe--especially when you take them out in your sleep. I broke another tooth last night. Half of it just came out while flossing. My teeth are shot. I have had two root canals in the past month, and was scheduled to have two crowns done on Monday. I have at least 4 crowns on schedule for 2014 when my dental insurance and flexible spending reup on January 1. Now, I have to schedule an appt today, if I can, to see what to do about this tooth. I'm going broke from my dental care.  

5.  Irrational jealousy.  I get jealous of other people who have moms. I know it's childish and selfish, but I do. It's the common factor of you have something I don't. The only thing is, you can't really share a mom. And you can't replace them. I think that my dad has the mindset that since he remarried, we (meaning her family and me) should all be on big happy family. That I should embrace her and her adult children as my siblings and everything will be hunky dory. Well, guess what--it's not. I'm too old for that. She is nothing more than my dads second wife, and his children are nothing more than spoiled freeloaders.

I'm sure there are more things that I will learn as I go forward with this process. I'm sorry--I just had to vent as I stare down another massive dental bill today.

Does it EVER get better?

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Doing my best

Yesterday, I had great resolve to do my best and stick as close to plan as possible. I did AWESOME...until around 11pm last night, when the ELB brought me home a McDouble. In all fairness, I actually had asked him for it in a moment of weakness (I had been craving McD's for a while now). I ate it--albeit slowly and without all the bread...And then had to add like 400 calories (I counted the bread even though I didn't eat all of it) to my food diary for the day. I still clocked in under 1500--but it would have been so much nicer to have seen it at 1100. Que sera' sera. Although I did do some hella walking yesterday (almost 4 miles), it still makes me have to reevaluate my choices sometimes.

I've been on point again today--I've had around 800 calories for the day. I'd like to stick it under 1200, but as long as I don't go over 1500, I feel accomplished.

Even though I've been taking the vitamins religiously since last Monday, I'm still feeling really tired and sluggish. Last night, by 9:30, I was struggling to keep my eyes open. I was supossed to watch The Black List to tell the ELB what happened--and I made it 10 minutes in before I zonked out.

I go in next Wednesday for a check up/fill, and even though all of my bloodwork came back great from my primary doctor, I'll ask my surgeon about my fatigue. Until then, I'm going to keep taking the vitamins and drinking my water and counting my calories and fighting the good fight!

Monday, November 4, 2013

New Resolve

Yes, I know, it's THAT post again. The one that I write every so often that says I'm going to do better. I'm going to eat better. I'm going to get back on track. Yeah, I know--the start post of another set of failure.

This time will be different. I spent my weekend being a slug. I ate way too many cookies. I didn't exercise, even though I have an elliptical right in the kitchen that I paid almost $1000 for a few years ago. I was crampy and bloated and tired and headachy.

But today is Monday. Today is the start of a brand new week! I have 1.5 weeks until my next weigh in/fill appointment.

I am starting with a brand new food journal this morning, even though my last one still had about two weeks worth of pages in it. I am going to stick with my vitamins. I am going to walk every day (or use the elliptical--or BOTH!). I will try to get down as much water as possible. I will eat protiens and vegetables, and will do my best to stay away from the carbohydrate calories in things like cookies, ice cream, bread, and candy. I can't guarantee that I will be excellent at this one, but I will significantly reduce the amount that I eat of them.

It's so hard to get back into the right frame of mind when you've let yourself stray. It takes resolve and dedication and, yes, some HELLA willpower. I've let myself become lazy and I can't keep going like this. I'm already afraid that November 13 will show me with a gain. I do NOT want to see a gain!

But I can do this. I will take each day as it comes. I will NOT buy junk food. I will stop visiting the candy bowls of my coworkers. I will stick with what food I bring to work. I WILL do better. I will be the best me that I can be.

It's going to be hard. I'll go through withdrawal. I'll be hungry. I'll probably be bitchy. But in 7-10 days, I will feel better. I have done it before, I can do it again! The trick is sticking with it long term.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Not a good Saturday

I am a lazy bum. I haven't even gotten dressed today. The ELB has been gone all day. I've been on the couch, watching junky movies and eating my way through a box of Italian cookies that I (should not) have bought at Sam's club Friday morning.

That's like 5000 calories or something.... Not really sure because I haven't kept count of how many I have shoved in my pie hole.

I have been the worst bander. I have been bad about not tracking my food. I haven't been watching my calories. I'm really afraid that I'll show a gain at my next appointment on November 13.

I think I will be getting another fill this month. I just don't know how to tell my brain to recognize that the signals that say I'm full, or I'm not hungry. I really think that part of me is broken.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Happy period my @ss

I am on the pill.  It's awesome and wonderful. I have regular periods. The ELB and I can get freaknasty whenever we want. And because I'm regulated, I should be able to get pregnant easier when the time comes for that next step. And the added bonus is that the horrible heavy flooding periods of my teens and twenties have been reduced to what I consider "normal". I don't have to wear double layers of pads. I don't have to sleep on a bath towel while wearing double panties AND shorts. I can function and not be afraid to stand up after sitting or laying for an extended period. I can sneeze without fear that it will look like a murder has occured. I am not doubled over in pain, so nauseated that I can't even get down Midol, and like I had to do mutliple times when I was 12, call my mom to come and take me home.

However, every few months, I get hit with a bad visit from Aunt Flow. And this is that month. I am bloated. I am crampy (the kind of crampy that makes me use lamaaz breathing to get through). I have irrational cravings (last night, vanilla ice cream with sea salt on top which tasted AWESOME). I have eaten what feels to be TONS of chocolate (but in reality has only been a few candy bars--but that is ALOT for me).

I am having hormone rushes (like, I'll be fine and then BAM! I'm flushed and red and sweaty). I'm having mood swings bigger than the pirate ship ride at the fair. And all while dealing with work (because this is our GO time from now until the end of January coupled with a new computer system).

I'm so ready to call this week over. I want to go home. I want to put on my comfy (black) sweat pants and get out of these jeans. I want to eat junk, and watch stupid tv and veg out.

I'm being a whiny little b!tch, and you know what, it's okay. Because I feel like crap.

But it reminds me of the Happy Period market campaign from Always (the only brand I use!), and how it was really a total fail. But the best part was this letter, that said everything I was thinking. And it made me laugh to remember when my bestie and I were both having our cycles and getting so p!ssed at Always for trying to tell us to be happy. Happy? Seriously? I just lost enough blood to require a tranfusion, and you want me to be Happy?

Read the letter, have a laugh--and a great weekend.