Wednesday, October 30, 2013
I went and got my hair chopped off last night. It had been two months since my last cut, and it had actually grown out alot--probably thanks to the biotin that I take. Either way, I'm good until Christmas with hair. I'll probably go the week before the holidays to get it done before vacation.
It was raining here this morning, which prevented me from getting a walk in. Boo! I LOVE my morning walks. It just gives me a good start to the day--but maybe I'll be a good girl and pull out the elliptical tonight. Or maybe I'll go home, make something delicious (BBQ turkey loaf, anyone), and just watch some TV. And try to ignore the three candy bars (okay, 2.5 candy bars) that I bought this morning at the grocery store. I couldn't help it--they were buy 2, get 1 free. I'm a sucker for candy sales. Usually, I'm not even a candy girl, but with Aunt Flow showing up this morning--all bets are off.
So, this morning, I stopped at the grocery store to get some breakfast, because it was raining, and I had time to kill. I originally wanted to go to Burger King to get french toast sticks as a treat, but when I got there at 7:30, none of the outside lights were on, there was noone in the restaurant--so I assumed they were closed. At the grocery store, I got a small pack of deli style lunch meat (2oz, perfect for snacking!), and a lunchable.
I pulled out the deli style meat, and was eating it while driving to the office. And I got stuck on the second bite. So, it sucked. Badly. I got in, thought it had passed since I wasn't sliming--and decided to finish the few remaining bites. And I got stuck again. Sigh. This one caused me to slime. And while I'm sitting at my desk, trying to not let my manager see me sliming (because noone knows about my surgery, and she would assume that I have the flu and send me home b/c it looks like I'm throwing up), I discretely pulled out a baggie, and tried to do it into that--and missed. Half of it made it in--the other half landed on a pile of folders on my desk. It wouldn't have been so bad, but I had taken a drink of my morning protien coffee to try to help it through--so it came up all brown and blechy looking.
So yeah, that's my morning. Luckily, noone saw me get gross, none of it landed on my clothes, and the only victim was an easily replaced manilla folder. And I get to look forward to a lunch of soup...and probably a dinner of soup (the ELB will get the BBQ turkey loaf).
Hope your day is going better than mine!
Monday, October 28, 2013
Friday, I went out for dinner and drinks with some of my coworkers. We went to Fridays, where I had a crazy pink cotton candy cosmo (I know, how very sex and the city of me--thanks, I heard that like 5 times). I also had some chips and salsa, and a wedge salad. I was stuffed, and I took home my petit filet and potatoes.
I got home at 7:30 ( I know, I live on the wild side), watched one episode of Monk, and then promptly fell asleep at 9pm on the couch. The ELB says that he tried to wake me up for 4 hours to go to bed. I finally woke up at 3am, and went to bed.
Needless to say, this concerned me. The ELB says that I would wake up long enough to say, "i'm awake", and then go right back to sleep. Once I got to bed, I slept through until 10am. What.The.Hell.
So, today, I'm going to restart taking my vitamins. I am a bad Bander, because I hate taking the stupid vitamins. I know I'm supossed to, but I also think that I can still eat pretty good, so I should be getting everything from my food--but I did realize over the weekend that I do NOT eat the way that I used to. Not only in smaller portions, but I also don't get as balanced of a diet as I did before. I can't eat tons of fruits and veggies. I don't get enough whole grains. I know that sometimes, I don't get enough protien. Even though it feels like some days that I'm eating eating eating--that maybe I'm not eating as much as I thought. That even though my calories are high, that might be a result of eating more slider type foods instead of healthy foods.
This morning, I started with my vitamin again. It's still the bariatric chewable, but I have a whole bottle to use. I will see if this makes a difference with my fatigue..and maybe my weight loss. Who knows--maybe this has been holding me back?
So, in your personal experience, do you think that taking a daily vitamin has helped make a difference in your journey?
Friday, October 25, 2013
I'm really glad that this week is almost over.
Tonight, I'm having happy hour with two coworkers (members of the unofficial "chub club"). We are going to Fridays for drinks and appetizers and girl talk. I'm so excited! I'm saving calories today so that I can splurge with alcohol later.
I only got two laps of my walk in this morning, because I was rescuing a lost FedEx package that was dropped in our parking lot. Go me!
It's week 3 and I have restriction again. Aunt Flow on the horizon next week brings it in. I don't mind--but I just wish I had this level all the time and not just two weeks a month.
I found out yesterday through trial and error, that I cannot eat regular pasta any longer. Not that I sat around and ate alot of pasta anyways--cause I don't--but I won free lunch from Noodles for me and three friends--and I was not able to enjoy it. Lesson learned.
After drinks, I'll be running an errand then heading home to the ELB. This is the first Friday night that we will have spent together in months. #soexcitedforsnuggletime. He is also off on Sunday--so it gives us some quality time to just be together.
I hope that all of you have awesome weekends lined up! Have a good one!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
I walked in the brisk autumn morning, watched a gorgeous sunrise, and despite the coffee am still feeling more calm and relaxed than I have in days.
I meant to pray last night--and I fell alseep before I could, but I am one of those people that talk to God during the day, thank Him for small things, and even though I am not a devoted church goer any longer--still have faith. Even in my darkest hour, when I feel that God has forsaken me, I still ask for strength and guidance from Him to guide me through those places to the good things on the other side.
I don't feel like I have been forsaken recently--I just feel like I've had a turn of negativity that is preventing me from moving forward in so many aspects of my life. I feel like there is something holding me back from being the best me I can be.
My goal is to break through these barriers. I need to figure out what I want and how I can get it. I need to form a plan of attack, and then surge forward and break through. Oh, and to trust in God, to give him my trials and tribulations so that I can be unburdened...and to learn the patience that I need for this next chapter to unfold.
Things are going to be better. I know it.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
At this point, it feels like the ONLY solution to my problems are to win the lottery.
Barring that, I can only suck it up, and keep on living and praying and hoping that something comes through. I don't have a choice. Giving up is akin to quitting. And I am NOT a quitter.
God has a plan, and I just have to trust that He is guiding me towards the path that I need to be on. And in the process, I must be getting a lesson in patience--otherwise, something would have turned the tide by now.
My mom had the most amazing faith and will of anyone I ever knew. She fought and battled Zelda (that's what she named her first tumor) for eight years, until she physically couldn't do it anymore. If she could do that, then I can't let my stupid little problems defeat me.
Sometimes, I forget that I'm not supossedf to do this on my own. That I have to trust God, and give Him my trials. I have to have faith. I have to keep going. And somehow, I will get through this, and come out on the other side stronger for it.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
1. The point at which physical, mental, or emotional strength gives way under stress.
2. The point at which a condition or situation becomes critical.
I am at my breaking point. Mentally, emotionally, financially....something has got to change soon. I can't keep going like this. I am completely and utterly overwhelmed.
If you believe in God, please send me some prayers. If you don't, please just send some positive thoughts my way.
Monday, October 21, 2013
So, here's a manic Monday recap of my life since my last post:
1. I went and talked to the people about the 'opportunity' last week. It went well, even though I had to suck it up and wear a suit. I hate wearing suits. There were two internal candidates, so if they decided to go outside, I was going to be sent up for a meeting--but so far, no word. I assume it went to one of the internal candidates. No worries, what will be will be.
2. I went pant shopping last week, and tried on approximately 42 pairs of pants in a range of sizes from 26-32. I could fit every single pair ON, but none of them looked nice enough to buy, even after making the worst decision of my life and trying on a pair of Spanx. OMG< how the HELL do people wear those things EVERY SINGLE DAY? I could never torture myself in this capacity BY CHOICE! I ended up walking out of two stores with nothing but some wasted time.
3. I made some Mexican turkey meatballs on Friday night. 1lb turkey, 1 egg, 1 pack taco seasoning, 1 can of diced chilies, 1/4 c ketchup, and about 1/2 c oatmeal. Mix it all together, and porition into a mini-muffin tin. Bake about 20 minutes. They weren't as spicy as I had hoped, but they tasted good.
4. I didn't make my chicken salad for the week, nor did I make anything over the weekend. I am being lazy. Yesterday, I sat and read a book. I mean, I did wash the dishes and I ran a load of laundry--but other than that, I was a slug. It felt good.
5. The weather is gorgeous! I walked in 40 degree temps this morning. Unfortunately, it's going to be dropping down futher this week after it rains tomorrow--highs in the 50's, and lows at night in the 30's--which means we have to turn the heat on. :( I hate running the heat.
6. Completely random--I'm on level 147 of Candy Crush--and I have NEVER paid for a single thing to play, nor have I bugged people on facebook for lives. I consider that a huge accomplishment. :) Besides, I really don't use FB, so that isn't such a big deal.
7. BTW, I really really really hate my clothes. I want so badly to go and buy new sweaters and cute things for fall--but I refuse to invest in clothes until I see some movement on the scale. And I don't think the scale is moving. I'll probably be getting another fill on November 13.
8. I bought a bunch of books over the weekend. I love books, and I love looking at books. My friends are all like, "why don't you get an eReader already?" And I'm all like, "I'm poor...and besides, what if something Revolution-esque were to actually happen? That eReader would be USELESS!". Yeah, I actually think about things like that. I already have my game plan worked out, if something like that ever does happen.
9. The ELB and I rented "This is the end" on Saturday. From the previews, we thought it would be non-stop laughs--but honestly, it was ALOT more thought provoking than either of us expected. Alot of religous references and it seemed to have a moral--totally unexpected. It kind of put me in mind alot of "Dogma".
10. And just because I'm kind of like Monk, I like to end things on a positive number. So number 10 is just a Happy Monday to everyone! #haveagreatday
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
I've become complacent. I've gotten lazy. I've gotten too comfortable with where I am---and that never bodes well for me. Comfort is great--but I like challenge. I like new obstacles. I like things that change and that encourage growth and opportunity.
I love what I do, and where I do it, and the people I do it with (mind out of the gutter, you pervs!). But I'm bored. I feel like I'm withering away here, and that my creativity is ebbing, my desire to want more is growing distant, and I'm settling for something secure.
Last week, I got a phone call. An unorthodox phone call, at that, from someone looking for someone like me for an opportunity to be named. They called ME! I was shocked. And after a week of playing phone tag, I finally had the chance to talk to them about this opportunity, and I have to say, I could get in line with it.
The only hold back is my self image. Yes, I am 68 lbs less than I was a year ago, but I still have so much more to lose to get even within the realm of my goal. I had a plan. Have surgery, be complacent for two more years, lose my weight, and then the opportunities would be more viable. But now I'm stepping out of my comfort zone, way earlier than I had wanted or expected to.
What if I'm not good enough? What if they meet me and they pass because of how I look? I know that I'm overweight, but it doesn't mean that I'm not smart, and educated, and a terrific person.
But I'm taking a chance. I'm going to go, and I'm going to be myself. I am not going to be someone I am not. And it will either be the right thing, or it won't be the right thing. Either way, I'll never know unless I swallow the fear and forge ahead.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Seriously, it's like they woke up and feel out of the stupid tree--hitting every single branch on the way down. It's the kind of thing that makes me want to scream in aggravation. To wish that I COULD reach through a phone and lay down a head slap.
But I bite my tongue, and I smile when I explain something to someone for the 4,377 time, and I do not let them hear my sigh of exasperation, or the sound of my hand slapping into my forehead because what I am saying and what I want to say are so far apart on the niceness scale, that I would be fired for telling someone what I really felt.
That, coupled with my ability to somehow eat bread again--is frustrating me. I just want to find my green zone. I need to get this weight off. I want to see results.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Made in a crock pot or on the stove top, this recipe is quick and delicious.
2 cans of white beans
1 can of black beans
1 can of Rotel
2 cans of chicken broth
1 pack of taco seasoning
1 cup of diced chicken breast ( I used Tyson grilled chicken strips)
1 can of corn
3/4 cup of sauteed onion/red & yellow peppers
Drain and rinse the beans and drain the corn. Dump in crock pot along with everything else. Cook on high for a few hours. (If you do on stove top put on low simmer for about an hour then lower after mashing). Use a potato masher or spoon to mash up the mixture. Reduce crockpot to low and soup will thicken as it continues to cook. Serve with a sprinkle of cheddar and a dollop of 0%Greek yogurt.
Friday, October 11, 2013
It's so dark outside, that it looks like night.
I'm going to do an edition of Five Things Friday--just because I feel like posting something.
1. There may or may not be a huge trucker rally thing on the Capital Beltway this weekend--which will seriously throw a wrench into our plans to head to DC tonight--and the ELB's having to go back to DC tomorrow.
2. I wasted time straightening my hair this morning. Even with all the awesome Paul Mitchell products at my disposal, a ceramic brush, and an ionic dryer, my hair senses the slightest hint of moisture and immediately reverts to frizz.
3. I seriously want a new crock pot. I have a great crock pot--it's from the 1970s, it's avacado green with a brown crock, and it works great! But I keep thinkg of all the awesome things I could make if I had a new one, with the programmable thing and the removable crock, etc. I have been pricing them for about a month now--but am afraid to jump on it. Maybe when Christmas sales come in, I'll finally break down and get it.
4. Yesterday, I made fresh green beans, mediterranean style. Basically, fresh beans (snapped) with tomatos, olive oil, and some italian seasonings in the crock pot. Yumm-o!
5. I've been doing my best to not be tempted by bread--but I did have a sandwich round yesterday--which again, didn't feel that awesome. You would think I would learn my lesson.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
This morning, I'm having one of those days.
On the way to work this morning, I was thinking, "man, I would LOVE to go to Denny's and order that big breakfast blowout with eggs, and bacon, and pancakes, and a side of grits and eat EVERY.SINLGE.BITE".
In reality, I didn't. I went to the office. I bypassed all the food places, because, surprise! I'm not hungry.
I woke up a little down today. The sun hasn't shown up, and probably won't until next week as this coastal rain thing settles in for the weekend. I didn't get my walk in this morning because of the rain. I have to go offsite today, which means driving in said rain to DC. I'm just feeling bummed.
But I didn't go to my old friend, food, to help me through (yet). I'm sticking it out. I might be down, but I'm NOT out.
I've just got to learn to deal with things in ways that don't involve eating myself sick. But the desire to 'eat away my problems' is still there. That doesn't go away--I just have to be stronger than the little voice in my head telling me that food will make everything better.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Fat and Sassy commented on her post today about having 6cc's in the Band--and the issues with bread. Like her, I've got 6cc in MY Band--and I am just now to the point that bread is NOT a good idea. Do I still try to eat it? Of course! Why? Because apparently, I'm a glutton for punishment and I LOVE getting stuck and sliming non stop.
Until I hit 6cc's, I could pretty much eat anything. The baguette from Panera that they give you with soup. Sandwich rounds. Doughnuts. Pizza.
Now, Bread and I are having a bad break up. I want Bread back--but Bread is all like, "no bitch--get away from me". And then I beg Bread, "please, I love you Bread! Don't leave me like this!". To which Bread replies--"I'm outta here!" before he hops on his metaphorical motorcycle and speeds out of my life for good.
I'm learning to live life without bread. And I'm struggling. I keep FORGETTING that it's not such a good idea. Monday morning, I toasted half of a sandwich round for breakfast. I didn't get stuck, but it sure didn't feel good going down. I ate some pretzel townhouse crackers in the afternoon--and they were all like, "we are SO going to make you pay for this". Last night, I made the ELB some homemade buttermilk biscuits, more to prove that I could remember how to and that I hadn't lost that part of my upbringing. I ate ONE bite, and that biscuit was like, "girl, I ain't playin'".
I am not going to try it again. I got stuck on that biscuit--and I was horribly uncomfortable.
Hollee posted this 'no dough' pizza recipe a while ago. I tried it, and I was on the fence about it. Why eat that when I could just eat pizza? But now, I am going to go back to the no dough recipe. It was good--and it will be my new pizza from now on--although, I have heard good things about the cauliflower pizza crust. So when the ELB wants pizza--he can have his and I can have mine--which is fine, because he doesn't like vegetables anyways.
Life without Bread won't be easy. Bread is everywhere. On yummy burgers at BTS in DC. It comes with soup. It is the foundation of all sandwiches--and I LOVE sandwiches.
But I can either choose to continue to eat bread, and live in fear. Or I can just move on, and embrace my new bread free path. Tough choice.
Monday, October 7, 2013
But I have opened and closed my desk drawers where I keep my 'snacky' foods approximately 100 times in the past hour. Why? Because I think I want something to eat. And every time I open the drawer and see what my choices are, I close the drawer and don't eat any of it.
In my snacky drawer, I have four cans of soup for emergency lunchs. I have six Fiber1 lemon and brownie bars. I have four pieces of Halloween candy that I'm saving for that day when I will die without chocolate ( don't worry--they've been in there two weeks and I haven't eaten it yet). I have tea bags and water flavor infusers, condiments, and protien powder for my coffee. I have 1/4 of a box of Townhouse pretzel crackers that I have had in there for about a month now. I did eat three of the crackers--which is why I am not the least little bit hungry.
I open the drawer, look at my choices, ask myself what am I doing, close the drawer, and then drink water. It's a never ending cycle.
If I was really truly hungry, I have 4 servings of chicken salad in the fridge, along with 2 servings of homemade vegetable soup, and a YoPa yogurt. I have two egg white breakfast sandwiches in the freezer. Therefore, I am not hungry. I am bored. Work is slow today. Things will begin picking up in the next few weeks, and it will be crazy until the end of January. But until then, I have to be conscious that I am not hungry, that I am bored. And I have to pay attention to myself and not eat because I am bored--that I should only eat when I am hungry.
You think it would be easy--but it is WAY harder than you would think it would be. Even with my band, i struggle to know what 'full', 'satisfied', 'comfortable' feels like. I can tell you what uncomfortable feels like--it's that point when you realize that 'oh sh!t, I really shouldn't have eaten that last bite'. It's only at that point, most of the time, that I can stop eating. Otherwise, I just keep cramming it in. I have a hard time with portion sizes. My brain is still working to catch up with these changes. My brain thinks that when you eat a bowl of soup, you have to eat a BOWL of soup. My portion size = about 3/4 cup. My brains portion size = giant soup bowl full to the top (at least two cups--with refills!).
I know that my journey is going alot slower because of this. I am learning. It's a new thing for me, learning how to control the amount of food that I can eat. I spent so many years being a bottomless pit, eating insatiably, that even with the tool I have, it's hard to stop it.
Does it get easier? I sure as hell hope so!
yes, I did delete the post from earlier. you're welcome!
Friday, October 4, 2013
I did email my surgeons office nutritionist (who is awesome) and I told her what happened, and she checked with my surgeon (in between surgeries) and she told me that he wasn't alarmed, especially since this was the first time I had this issue (heartburn), but to monitor it, and if it felt like it was persisting through the weekend, to come in Monday.
All day, I had that sour acidic tummy. It hurt to eat things, it hurt to drink things. There was a cookout at work yesterday, and I did eat a hot dog (no bun) and some bland potato salad. Around 6:30 I had a Gatorade--and the first few sips were a struggle--but by the end of the bottle, I was feeling SO much better!
For dinner last night, I had a sliderfood meal of Chickfila chicken noodle soup and a strawberry milkshake. I tolerated everything good, my tummy felt improved about 1000x. I also crushed my meds last night, and I think that helped. I honestly think that it was my pills being stuck in my pouch because of the swelling from being stuck, and that it caused the irritation I was having. Right now, I'm on antibiotics for an infection in my newly rootcanaled tooth, so I'm breaking the capsul and pouring the powder into yogurt. I'm going to keep crushing my pills through the weekend, and just take it easy for a few more days by sticking with mushies.
I'm glad today is Friday. I am beat like a dead horse. I rolled with the ELB last night to PA for an event he was working. I didnt' get to bed until 1am--and I get up at 5:30! I'm supossed to roll with him to College Park tonight, but will decide by the time I leave work if that will happen. It's been a pretty weird week..I'm just glad it's done.
Happy Friday, Ya'll!
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Last night that was not the case.
I had to get another root canal last night. When I got home, the ELB and I had dinner. I fixed his plate and I fixed my much smaller portion. I was good but wanted a little more beef. BAD idea.
I got stuck. Probably the worst I have ever been stuck. I slimed and slimed. I walked. I stood over the sink. I was miserable. It just sat there. And sat there.
Finally I PB'd part of it, and the rest worked it's way down.
Five hours later I ate some yogurt and some mint tea.
I thought I was okay--that by morning, I would be FINE.
I took my pills and went to bed. This morning, I woke up with an uncomfortable burning lump in my throat/pouch. I wonder if maybe one of my pills didn't go down and got stick in my pouch all night?
I didn't think about crushing any of them, since the largest one is about the size of an aspirin, and they usually don't cause me any problems...I just didn't think about being swollen and the pills being an issue.
I chewed a Tums--but that is not helping. I was even desperate enough to take a few sips of the ELB's coke this morning to see if the carbonation would help things along. Liquid seems to be going through--I just have the burning sensation that doesn't seem to be dissapating.
So, any advice my lovelies on what to do next? Do I see if it runs its course, stick to liquids for the day, and make sure to crush my pills tonight? I figure since I can get liquids down, there isn't actually anything stuck stuck in there, so it's not really an emergency situation. I'm sipping on a protien shake now because I'm hoping the soy milk will help soothe some of the irritation--and when it goes through my pouch, I can feel it and it does feel better.
I don't want to waste a trip to the surgeon for something that can resolve on its own. Any advice from those of you who have had this issue before?
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Stop trying to tell me I am hungry when I am not.
Stop trying to get me to eat candy and stuff that I don't need....and honestly, have NO room for in my tummy right now.
Stop trying to tell me it's okay to shove crap in my pie-hole, even when I just slimed on water--because you told me I needed a cracker. I didn't need a cracker. And I didn't need that half of a carrot cake cupcake I ate after lunch. That pushed me a little too far from being satisfied to uncomfortable.
Stop trying to tell me that I'm tired, and that instead of going home and taking a nice long walk with the ELB that I should put on jammies and sit on the couch instead. I AM tired, but it's a pretty day, and I am going to go on a walk, damnit.
Just stop it already. I love you Brain--but we have got to learn to get along. I want to be different--and you need to get on board with that--otherwise, I will always be a fat girl stuck in a fat body. And I don't want to be a fat girl anymore...I never wanted that, but that's exactly what I am.
That's why I got this little nifty tool to help me (and you, Brain). You just need to listen to it more, and understand that when it says 'no more', it means "NO MORE" and to stop trying to make it take more. Donny is here to help me (us), and she can't do that if you won't listen to her. Yes, Brain, I outsourced my stomach, because you didn't want to deal with it. Now you have to accept that you are no longer in charge of that part of my body. Unfortunately, you still control my eyes (that see food), and my nose (that smells food), and my tongue (that tastes everything)...and the hands that assist you with your devious plans. I look like an idiot fighting with myself, so unless you want to live in a padded room, you need to knock it off.
Get over it, Brain. What's done is done--and we have to accept change and move on. And you need to be the biggest change agent there is. I can't do this without you.
After my last fill, my brain has been working REALLY hard to get to the point it can begin making the turn. It kept going forward at the same speed it was right after the fill. The next few days, it charged ahead--but then started to realize that something was different. And finally..FINALLY...I think that my brain has had an epiphany. She realized that hey, something is really different--maybe we should start changing course.
And she is changing course...slowly but surely, my brain is coming around to my Band's way to thinking.
Yesterday, I was AWESOME if I do say so myself. I was ON POINT all day long. I had halloween candy available to me, and yet I did not eat a single piece! Okay, wait--I did have one of those tiny little boxes of Nerds--but nothing chocolate and caramel. I walked almost three miles! And last night, I cooked dinner at home--a Jennie-O turkey burger with onions and green peppers, and a side of oven roasted mushrooms with cherry tomatos and garlic.
The only thing is--I didn't eat my protien first. I am a vegetable whore. I love veggies. And as a kid, I would eat up all my veggies first--and then eat my meat. I'm still like that. If I order a salad with chicken on it--invariably, I will eat the ENTIRE salad--and then eat the chicken at the end.
Last night, I ate my veggies--and then struggled to get my protien down. I did eat it all--probably ate too much and I was very full--but I did better. And yes, I DID use a small plate. My calories for the day were at 960 until around 10pm last night--when I had a snack of 8 Hershey kisses and a handfull of roasted almonds. So I probably hit around 1200 for the day. It's a start.
Sometimes, it just takes time for things to catch on. Let's see where this goes.