Monday, October 7, 2013

bad habits are hard to break

Let me start this off by saying, I am NOT hungry. Not even a teensy tiny bit.

But I have opened and closed my desk drawers where I keep my 'snacky' foods approximately 100 times in the past hour. Why? Because I think I want something to eat. And every time I open the drawer and see what my choices are, I close the drawer and don't eat any of it.

In my snacky drawer, I have four cans of soup for emergency lunchs. I have six Fiber1 lemon and brownie bars. I have four pieces of Halloween candy that I'm saving for that day when I will die without chocolate ( don't worry--they've been in there two weeks and I haven't eaten it yet). I have tea bags and water flavor infusers, condiments, and protien powder for my coffee. I have 1/4 of a box of Townhouse pretzel crackers that I have had in there for about a month now. I did eat three of the crackers--which is why I am not the least little bit hungry.

I open the drawer, look at my choices, ask myself what am I doing, close the drawer, and then drink water. It's a never ending cycle.

If I was really truly hungry, I have 4 servings of chicken salad in the fridge, along with 2 servings of homemade vegetable soup, and a YoPa yogurt. I have two egg white breakfast sandwiches in the freezer. Therefore, I am not hungry. I am bored. Work is slow today. Things will begin picking up in the next few weeks, and it will be crazy until the end of January. But until then, I have to be conscious that I am not hungry, that I am bored. And I have to pay attention to myself and not eat because I am bored--that I should only eat when I am hungry.

You think it would be easy--but it is WAY harder than you would think it would be. Even with my band, i struggle to know what 'full', 'satisfied', 'comfortable' feels like. I can tell you what uncomfortable feels like--it's that point when you realize that 'oh sh!t, I really shouldn't have eaten that last bite'.  It's only at that point, most of the time, that I can stop eating. Otherwise, I just keep cramming it in. I have a hard time with portion sizes. My brain is still working to catch up with these changes. My brain thinks that when you eat a bowl of soup, you have to eat a BOWL of soup. My portion size = about 3/4 cup. My brains portion size = giant soup bowl full to the top (at least two cups--with refills!).

I know that my journey is going alot slower because of this. I am learning. It's a new thing for me, learning how to control the amount of food that I can eat. I spent so many years being a bottomless pit, eating insatiably, that even with the tool I have, it's hard to stop it.

Does it get easier? I sure as hell hope so!

yes, I did delete the post from earlier. you're welcome!

1 comment:

  1. Boredom eating is my downfall too. Like your post title...its hard to break that bad think you want it...ugh. Proud of you! You can do this!