Sunday, May 21, 2017

Back to the basics redux

Tomorrow, I restart my weight loss journey.

I have a notebook. I have protein powder. I have plain Silk, and I have the beginning of willpower.

I have the desire to lose weight. I have the desire to be healthy.

In a few weeks, I have a meeting with the nutritionist, and I expect that when I meet them, that I will be given a 1200 calorie/day diet plan. So I might as well start working on this now.

I am going to start writing down what I eat again. I'm going to work on cutting calories.  And I think I'm going to hold off on getting a fill for a little bit.

Now I just need to start sneaking in some exercise, and I'm sure that I'll start seeing the scale go down again.

Tomorrow starts the journey... Again!

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Roadblocks

I went to see my new Lapband doctor yesterday for follow up and a fill.

No fill. He couldn't find my port, so now I need to have my next fill under flouroscopy. And pretty much every fill under flouroscopy. So I'm waiting for that to be scheduled, but I'm debating the need for a fill. I'm at 4.5 in a 10 band. I am feeling some restriction, and I'm almost afraid to mess with things to much. My band is temperamental and sometimes something as small as .25 will cause me to go from  too open to closed.

I have an appt with the nutritionist on June 12. Maybe getting a better eating path will be as effective as a fill right now.

Essentially, he feels that if I can stick with a reduced calorie diet and exercise that I can lose weight. Well, ya, I know that. I'm just trying to get motivated to start exercising. Apparently, there is no such thing as spring in Missouri. It went from winter to 90's. So of course I don't want to do stuff outside.

So I'm looking for my motivation. I think I left that in Baltimore last year... Probably in the storage unit. Maybe I'll find out this summer.

I watch the My 600lb life to try and help motivate me. I don't think it helps. And I think my Fitbit is getting ready to die and I'm trying to decide is it's worth investing in a new Charge 2 as a replacement. Any guidance on the Fitbit is appreciated!

But I did lose 4lbs. I guess that's a start!

Monday, May 15, 2017

Trying to turn a page

So, the past 12 months I haven't done a thing. I haven't exercised with regularity, I haven't tracked food intake, counted calories, or restricted myself.

I'm paying the price. I had to buy fat pants for work. I had to buy shirts up a size larger than I usually wear. My back hurts all the time. I'm tired. I feel lazy.

I have regained everything I lost in 2012-2014.

And now I need motivation. I need to get my eating under control. I need to cut back on carbs. I need to start moving again.

So I've started by getting my first fill in about a year five weeks ago. Before the move last year, I went and got an unfill, which dropped my band down to the 3cc starter level. Now I'm at 4.5 cc, and it's helped slightly. I get soft stops, but I still drink when I'm eating. That's probably the hardest habit to break.

I have a second fill tomorrow.

My PCP wants me to meet with a therapist. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I know that I need to make a change. I'm just lazy. I lack willpower and motivation. It's a catch 22. I know that I'll feel better once I start exercising again... But I know that results take time, and I want instant gratification.

I have the tools. I have the knowledge. I just need me to be on board.

So how do you find the missing piece? How do I reclaim that part of me that was so eager and enthusiastic five years ago?

Is it worth seeing a professional? Can I do it on my own? If you've seen a professional therapist for weight issues, how did it go? Did it help?

Sunday, March 19, 2017

The heat is on

Saturday, I was honored with being asked to be a bridesmaid in my best friend's little sisters wedding.

Of course, I said yes! She's the little sister I never had, and even though we aren't related by blood, they are family.

So now it begins... The quest to get into shape and lose weight to fit into a dress.

If I needed motivation, then being in the wedding party with my best friend as we stand up for her little sister when she gets married is it. Thank God the wedding isn't until 2019! 

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Life happens

So, it's been a jolly good while since I've posted anything about me here. Sorry about that. I'm sure that you're dying to know what's going on in my little corner of the world.

So, I stopped looking for a job after four months of interviews (seriously, I had about 30 interviews in three months and I was bummed and burned out), and then I got a job. A job that I had interviewed for in early September called and offered in November. And since I didn't have anything else going on, I accepted.

So I had a job lined up to start the Monday after Thanksgiving. Then the ELB and I went to Iowa. Then we came home for a day and then went to Michigan for Thanksgiving and had a great visit with my bestie and her family. We consider then family.

I started my job, and then we went to Myrtle Beach for our annual beach vacation for Christmas. Came back and got back into the groove at work. And since then, it's been nonstop.

Then January came and the ELB was in AZ and then NY, and I've been to KC twice... we both have been busy. I've also been battling sciatica this past week, so I've been fun to be around.

The good news is, I finally have health insurance again! So now I'm trying to get an appt with a Band doctor here in STL. I'm waiting for the office girl to call me back since my first fill has to be under flouroscopy. I started the process in the fall and had a scope to check for erosion, and I was cleared.

I'm nervous to get a fill because I'm afraid that it won't work. It's been so long since I've had any restriction that I don't think I remember the rules, and I've regained like ALL the weight I lost. I haven't weighed myself recently but it's bad.

But I want to get back on track. I want to lose this weight again, and get healthy and stop feeling so shitty. My self esteem is in the crapper, I feel like a failure, it makes me sad and angry.

So, I'm back to square one. Once my sciatica clears up, I'm going to start walking again. I have already stowed a pair of shoes in my office. I just need motivation.

I need help. I need willpower. I need strength. But most importantly I need to believe in myself again.