During week three of the Bariatric class, I decided to change things up and sit in a new spot. Honestly, I wanted to sit somewhere other than near Amber, so I moved to the other side of the classroom. It’s not that I don’t like Amber, but she’s annoying. So. Annoying.
So I move to the other side of class, and guess who decides to move with me? AMBER! She sits down right next to me, because apparently, we are now best friends! Yay, me! (Just in case it’s not obvious, that’s sarcasm). I don’t want to be friends with her, because then I will feel guilty about making fun of her…well, not so guilty that I’ll stop, but I might not be as snarky. And then what would be the point of this?
Will the real Dundalk please stand up?
During week two class, about 7 people didn’t show up, including *drum roll please* DUNDALK! The girl that I THOUGHT was Dundalk was NOT Dundalk. (I thought she looked cleaner and more nicely dressed than what I thought Dundalk actually looked like.) The REAL Dundalk has a side neck tattoo of her name? Maybe—it’s someone’s name. She also seems to have a lot of other oddly placed tattoos. Her uniform of choice runs to grungy T-shirts for things like Nascar, beer, and other white trashy “likes”, leggings, and plastic flip-flops. At least Amber rocked her Pajama Jeans for class this week!
Unfortunately, there weren’t a lot of ‘funny’ anecdotes this week, but this is the best of the bunch.
On making milk substitutions:
Blondie: So continuing from where we left off last week, how many people decided to make a simple change, like going from whole milk to 1% or even skim? Anyone?
HnH: What if we use half-n-half?
Blondie: We talked about this last week. You really should try changing your half-n-half to at least 1%. Half-n-half is really a waste of calories.
Dundalk: What if I already use 1%?
Blondie: That’s fine. You weren’t here last week, but that was a simple change that I thought everyone would be able to make.
Dundalk: Oh, well, I didn’t need to be here. My husband already had this done, and I already have all of his books, so I just looked at them.
Blondie: It’s good that you read some of the materials, but you are required to complete every section of this class in order to be approved for your surgery. Everyone who missed last week will need to schedule to make up that one class when the next session starts.
(it should be noted that at least 10 people didn't show up for week three. Did they quit?)
On high triglyceride diet (again):
Amber: So, I don’t understand why you want me to eat all of these foods that are bad for my high triglycerides. You should know that I can’t eat bread, and I can’t have fruit…those are all bad for my triglycerides. So is milk. Milk has sugar, and you want me to drink milk!
Blondie: What I suggest is that instead of going over this each week in class and taking away time from the teaching, you should call and schedule an appointment with a nutritionist in our office. Then you can come in and spend an hour with her to learn what you can and cannot eat to help you meet your nutritional goals.
Amber: But I’m already eating ONLY triglyceride lowering foods. I only eat 90% lean ground beef. I only eat wheat bread. I only eat turkey breast. I eat olive oil. I eat….
Blondie: Call the office tomorrow and schedule an appointment with a nutrition…
Amber: I can’t eat what you want me to eat! This has to be modified.
In the parking lot after class (because my new best friend wants to walk with me):
Amber: You know, Blondie is trying to kill me. She doesn’t understand that I can’t eat a lot of this food. It’s bad for my triglycerides!
Me: I don’t know, Amber. I think you should schedule an appointment to go in and meet with the nutritionist. She did say that some modification might need to be made for you.
Amber: I don’t trust her. What kind of person tells someone with high triglycerides that it’s okay to eat carbs? Carbs cause triglycerides. And fruit! Fruit is horrible for you. It’s nothing but carbs! And she wants us to eat fruit every day!
Me: Well, I really need to get going now….
Amber: I think she’s trying to kill me!
Me: I don’t think Blondie is trying to kill you. If she killed off everyone in her classes she wouldn’t have a job. She’s not going to do anything to jeopardize your health. She’s a professional.
Amber: Do you think she hates me?
Me: Okay, bye! (walking to car)