Back to basics

I have struggled. And I've gained weight. This winter had been a culmination of extended illness, antibiotics, steroids, forced time out from the gym... And eating.

I had my fill appointment last night, and the number on the scale was not good. I'm ashamed of myself right now.

When I started the process to have surgery in 2011 after my mom died, I was at my heaviest weight of 429. I was tired all the time. I hurt all the time. Every day was a struggle to just get out of bed. I had trouble tying my shoes. I was depressed. So starting the required 6-month program was almost a relief. It gave me focus and a goal, and I rocked it. Before I had my surgery, I was down almost 60lbs!

I never lost weight quickly, even after surgery. Every pound was a struggle. The lapband is not a magic bullet quick fix. I'm not good at following diets and meal plans. I allow myself cheats. To be honest, part of the reason that I picked the band was that it was less drastic. I knew that I could still enjoy food, albeit in smaller amounts.

By the end of 2014, I was down to 329... But not in a good way. I had too much restriction, and was relying on sliders to survive. I lived on milkshakes, ice cream, cake, cookies, chips... Not a balanced diet to say the least. Anything I did eat would sit in my pouch for days. I was vomiting all the time, and spent the nights co choking on whatever was in my stomach. But I lost weight! So I thought I was doing something right!

After my unfill in November 2014, I gained weight back because now I was able to eat solid food again. I think that my body went into panic mode and decided to store fat for the winter.

Then in March 2015, I was sick. Vomiting every hour for a week. Not able to keep anything down. Dehydrated. Exhausted.  I finally went in for a complete unfill, and was threatened with an IV for dehydration. Of course I regained like the pro that I am!

I started getting filled again over the summer. I was ready to get back on track and lose the weight I gained. But something was missing. Things weren't clicking. I wasn't motivated. My gym was closed for two months. So I languished. I was lazy. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. I drank milkshakes and had pizza. I had carte blanch to eat whatever I felt like.

And here we are today. As of this morning, my weight is back to 400lbs. I am a multitude of things right now:

Embarrassed
Ashamed
Disappointed
Devastated

But from all of that is born: Determined.

Yesterday, I got a small fill... 0.5 cc. I'm back to 5.5 in my band. I go back in five weeks for another adjustment. I talked to the nutritionistv last night, and we set some goals.

I am going back to the basics that were taught during my presurgery class. Reading labels, counting calories, and eliminating unnecessary food choices.

My goal is 1600 calories a day (that is her number, not mine). To eliminate soda (again, her idea BC I love my daily dt. Dr P fix). To cut down on carbs (yeah, her again. I'm supossed to give up BREAD. I love bread so much!) To exercise more (ok, this one is mine).  To drink lots and lots of water. To try and get my 10,000 steps a day, and to be accountable to myself. I'm going to weigh and email my nutritionist every Thursday. I need structure. I need guidance.

These are all simple goals. These are all things that I've done before. I am DETERMINED to do this again. I know I can... With some help.

So today starts a new plan to get back to the healthier me. I'm pushing the Restart button.