Friday, December 7, 2012

I am weak

I am so weak. I have absolutely no willpower. When presented with an array of food, I am like an addict needing a fix of crack. I think about it, and I obsess about it, and I think about how I can get it and no one would know. Sick, right?
Yesterday, we had our annual holiday potluck at work.  There was an assortment of dishes including ham and beef, mac and cheese, corn casserole, broccoli salad, assorted hot dips, Jello salad, chips/crackers/bread, and of course, the Christmas cookies and cake.
I went in strong. I had one plate, and I chose the healthiest options—I had more protein than carbs, I bypassed the mac and cheese and corn casserole (my own contribution), and I had broccoli salad (made with splenda) and Jello salad with fruit. I had three crackers with a taste of each hot dip just to try, and one roll.  Not bad, right? That was one plate. And I was done. But then I wanted more Jello salad—so I got another small scoop of that with three Triscuits. And then I was done. I was stuffed—but I was good and could walk away.  
Then the Christmas cookie tray came around, and I took one of each, because I knew that they were good since I had them last year.  And they were mini cookies.  I did not eat any of the black bottom cake. Now I was beyond stuffed. I felt like a roly-poly and that someone would have to waddle me back to the office.  But I still felt that all things considered, I had made some pretty good choices. Not perfect—but better than in years past.
Then I got hit with emotions after the Secret Santa gift exchange. My gift was so similar to what my mom would have gotten me if she was still here, that I got upset. I cried. Alot. It was a happy cry because I loved everything in my gift—but a sad cry because this is the first Christmas without my mom. And that my mom would never ever buy me another gift just because she saw something she thought I would love. And that made me emotional. And it wasn't about the gifts my mom would give me. It was that she loved me regardless of how much I weighed, or if I screwed something up.
And I turned to food. I ate a handful of potato chips. I had a roll with beef on it. I had some bread rounds with crab dip. And I felt sick because I wasn’t hungry, but I thought that I could fill that emotional emptiness inside with food. And it didn’t work. And I know it wouldn’t work—but I did it anyways.
Last night, I walked for my 20 minutes, and then my awesome loving boyfriend went on another walk with me for another 30 minutes. I could have probably walked all night to work out my emotions and to make myself feel better—but honestly, it was 30 degrees. It was dark. And I wanted to spend time with him for the first night in weeks.  And I did make myself a healthy dinner of stir fry veggies and beef for dinner.  It was real hunger this time—not emotional.
Today is a another challenge.  A company wide holiday party that is catered. The food choices will be a taco salad bar, chicken wings, and a giant sub, and of course, assorted desserts. I know that I can be stronger here, because there is less peer scrutiny, there are more people and distractions. And the menu really does allow a bit more customization. I know how to make a healthy salad. I will steer clear of chips and tortillas and sour cream. I will leave the desserts alone. Today, I will focus on veggies and protein. And I will get back on track.
My biggest fear is that I think I will gain this week.  Earlier this week, my pants felt awesome and loose. I could feel a difference. But I’m afraid my indiscretions of this week will work against me on Tuesday when I go to be weighed in. and it’s frustrating. I don’t want to be discouraged. So I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed that I can at least maintain, if not lose this week. I plan on doing a lot of walking between now and then to see if it makes a difference.
Have a good weekend, everyone.

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