I started reading a book today, "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius". I've heard that this was a good book for a while, but haven't gotten around to reading it, until now.
And I think that I've made a huge mistake.
I know that this book will make me cry... Because I started tearing up three Kindle sized pages in.
So far, all I know is that this is a book about cancer. About a mom with cancer. And three pages in, it's a recounting of how it was for my mom at the end of her life. The constant spitting of noxious green bile from where the cancer had spread to her stomach, so vile that I gagged every time I had to empty the bin. The inability to move from her chair where she sat 24 hours a day. And now I'm consumed with memories. Thoughts that make me cry.
But now I have to finish it. I have to know what happens. And even though I'm highly emotional and hormonal with aunt flow slated to be here this week... Like some twisted sadistic addiction, I will continue to read this book until the end.
I have questions now. Questions about how other people deal with grief. How to deal with the pain, even though the pain isn't new. It will be three years next month since my mom passed.... But it's always hiding right there below the surface of my psyche. Grief is just waiting for a reason to rear its head and steal my breath and leave me empty.