Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Grief comes calling...again

I started reading a book today, "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius". I've heard that this was a good book for a while, but haven't gotten around to reading it, until now.

And I think that I've made a huge mistake.

I know that this book will make me cry... Because I started tearing up three Kindle sized pages in.

So far, all I know is that this is a book about cancer. About a mom with cancer. And three pages in, it's a recounting of how it was for my mom at the end of her life. The constant spitting of noxious green bile from where the cancer had spread to her stomach, so vile that I gagged every time I had to empty the bin. The inability to move from her chair where she sat 24 hours a day. And now I'm consumed with memories. Thoughts that make me cry.

But now I have to finish it. I have to know what happens. And even though I'm highly emotional and hormonal with aunt flow slated to be here this week... Like some twisted sadistic addiction, I will continue to read this book until the end.

I have questions now. Questions about how other people deal with grief. How to deal with the pain, even though the pain isn't new. It will be three years next month since my mom passed.... But it's always hiding right there below the surface of my psyche. Grief is just waiting for a reason to rear its head and steal my breath and leave me empty.


  1. Have you read books on grief?

    When I found out about my ex being married, my friend's aunt gave me an article on grief that was so good. It was about dealing with death, but the article really helped me, as I felt that someone I loved had died, although really he never existed. Maybe once you finish this book, you should read a book on grief? It's cheaper than a counselor, although that'd be my next suggestion.

    I can't imagine what it will feel like to lose my mom...one of my best friends. I don't think any amount of time is "too long" to grieve over such a loss.

  2. It doesn't get any better. It is always just there. My Mum passed away 9 years ago next week and I still find it hard to eat white knights, drink lime milkshakes and hear Tammy played on the piano! Your recollections sound just like mine. And now I want to read the book too!