Facts of life

I love my new job. It's been 3 months and I'm waiting for my review... Where I hope that I'm told I'm awesome and that they love me and want me to work there forever. Fingers crossed.

It has not been without challenges. I have to fire people... A lot of people. And on the flip side, I have to hire the replacements. So far, that has been the crux of my job.

I can't have work friends because I never know when I might have to fire them. Makes for a bit of a lonely existence. No lunches out with coworkers.

But I'm finally doing what I love... What I've been struggling to do professionally since I graduated from college. And that makes me happy.

I'm struggling with my weight lately. I don't walk in the morning or at lunch any more... My new office isn't really conducive to that. So I rely on the gym. And until the orioles finish their season, my exercise is at the mercy of professional baseball. September 21 cannot come soon enough.

It's also August. I hate August. Next week I have to go home for my mom's birthday. I have to see my dad and my brother and their respective wives. I have to play nice, when inside I want to scream and cry and hit things because I miss my mom and it doesn't seem that anyone else does. And I have to face my own birthday. Another year older. And did I mention that Aunt Flow will be here in time to make this trip with me next week? Sigh.

So I'm probably not in the best place emotionally right now. But I know that I have friends who understand and don't judge me that August makes me crazy. And I love you for that. Just bear with me until I get past this... Until I get back on level footing... Until I can get back in the weightloss game.

I'm still me... Just a crazy manic emotional messed up me.

Sigh

For two weeks, I've been doing really good with food and exercise. Perfect? No.... But really good.

How does my body reward me? With a two pound GAIN.

I can totally see how people get discouraged and give up on their weightloss goals. I'm not asking for immediate gratification, but throw me a fricking bone here. I would have taken a 1/2 lb loss and been happy.

My goal is to not let this bring me down. I plan to go to the gym tonight for weights. I plan to not eat out my frustration with cookies and ice cream. And next week I'll exercise as much as I can.

I have a goal and I plan to get there.

Happy Friday.

Things are... Ok

Life is pretty uneventful in my world right now.

I've lost the taste for coffee, so instead I've just been having protien shakes for breakfast this week. I'm hitting the gym when I can. I'm limiting my cookie intake to one per day... Although the ice cream monster rears its head more often... Stupid hot summer.

I get on the scale tomorrow, but honestly, this week I feel FAT. I'm not expecting the scale to move. I'll be happy with it just staying the same. I'm still optimistic that I can reach my goal of 299 by Christmas... Although I would like to actually lose it by Thanksgiving. All I can do is make the best choices I can and keep pushing forward with my exercise.

I'll see what the scale says in the morning.

Blah blah blah

Busy week last week. I can finally get back to the gym this week. I was up 1.6 lbs Friday but I'm having a period from hell so that's to be expected. I also had a migraine yesterday.

I've been missing my mom alot lately. Both her birthday and my birthday are in August, one day apart... So I think that that's it's partly maybe the passing of another year.

I made a butter pound cake last night from her recipe. It was more theraputic ...measuring, mixing by hand... Escape for my brain. The batter turns this most beautiful golden yellow color and it's so thick and smooth. But it takes time to do it properly... And then a whole hour to bake.

I tried a small piece today but I'm rocking restriction so I limited myself. It was delicious.

There are alot of physical things from my mom that I'll probably lose or misplace or break as I get older... But the appreciation for a beautiful cake batter will never be one.

Day 3

Let me start this by saying...I am weak.

I fell victim to the ice cream monster again last night. It was only two bites and not a whole bowl .. But still, I am weak. I also had a hardboiled egg. Weak I tell you!

But real or imagined, I feel more restriction. I'm hoping it continues.

I made chicken salad with egg for lunch...brought two 1/2 cup portions and two boiled eggs and 1/4 cup almonds for my work food today. I'm going to the gym tonight and doing some light weights and cardio.

Dinner will probably be a shake since I won't be home till later.

I won tickets to see the new disney movie tomorrow night so I'll miss the gym. I know I know but it's a free movie sneak. How could I say no to that?

Happy Monday, y'all.

Day 2

I'm on day two... So far so good.

Yesterday was not perfect. I had a killer migraine. I ate 5 doritos and a spoon of ice cream and drank some Diet Dr. Pepper (for the headache). I am a boredom eater, and because I was alone all day, I ate. I tried to fill the snacking void with lentil soup... And it helped... But I wanted to chew something--hence the doritos.

Today, I'm better. We slept late... Which takes away alot of hours that would normally be filled with food temptations. The ELB is home today, so that helps keep me more accountable.

I'm going to go boil eggs and make chicken salad for day three. Day four and five are back to solid protien. I have chicken breast, and ground/ cubed pork in the freezer for that.

I can honestly say that I felt like I had more restriction yesterday.. Even with just soup and shakes. Maybe it's mental, but it gave me the sense that it's working... But it might be weather changes coming in, too. I know that Friday, even though I had the chance to indulge, I wasn't able to... I had restriction then, too. Go figure.

This Friday is girls night out, and I'm already reviewing the menu for acceptable items at Bertuccis. I'm totally having some sangria, but will avoid the bread and pasta.

I have a plan. Back to packing lunch. Still to hot to walk outside, and the gym is still out until the next Orioles road trip, but I'm going to do what I can.

Day three update tomorrow.

5day pouch test

Hollee suggested that I try the five day pouch test since I can't get a fill until September because of my new job and scheduling.

I'm going to come clean right now. I'm a bad bander. I have been drinking diet Pepsi. I have been eating ice cream. And cookies. And maybe doritos. And I haven't been exercising... At all. I'm on the carb wagon and I need to get off this ride to fat-town.

So today I'm starting the 5-day pouch test (Google it)...AKA the poor mans fill. It's supposed to do the following: shrink your pouch and increase the feeling of restriction, break the dependence on carbs, and hopefully jumpstart stalled weightloss.

I'm down with all of that!

Today and tomorrow are all liquids. I can do that. I can do anything I set my mind to. Monday starts introducing back solid proteins.

I'll keep you updated! I hope when I get on the scale next Friday that I'll see some results!

Facing the holidays

I can't wait until next week when I actually get to go the gym on Monday and Tuesday... before the Orioles head back into town for another week. I miss the gym.... A lot. I don't feel that I'm sleeping as well...even though I'm more tired. I feel lazy and fat...not powerful and strong.

I can eat more than I should and I really need to get that under control. I've been eating alot... And I know I'm eating a lot because what goes in must come out!! And alot has been coming out!

Work is great... Still loving my new job. Things go from extreme busy to extreme boredom. Busy days are the best BC boredom days find me snacking.

Looking forward to a long weekend!

Much love and peace out! Happy 4th!

Updated weight

I stopped in at my surgeons office yesterday for a quick weigh in. I was at 337.2, 336.6 and 337.0. Since this is nearly consistant with my work scale, I chose to update my ticker with a newer weight.

I'm struggling right now with being able to eat more than I should. I also find myself snacking during the day when I'm not hungry. This behavior needs to stop. Now. I'm only hurting myself.

Today I had a whopper jr, small fries, and like 6 chip delux cookies...not good. Too much junk, too many sliders. I didnt make chicken salad this week, so I'm off track with packing my lunch, too. If I've learned anything from this journey, it's to be consistant.

The stupid thing is, I brought grilled chicken, falafal, greek yogurt dip, hummus, and wheat crackers for my food today. And I didn't eat it. I chose the unhealthy option over the healthy one.

It's time to retrain my brain (ReTrain your Brain!) To be healthy and not lazy. To get my butt on the elliptical when I can't go to the gym.

I've been slacking and I feel it. I have a goal to meet. Now to actually get there.