Baby steps

I'm taking baby steps. Walking in the morning. Easing back into routine. I started with one mile two weeks ago, and have increased to two miles as of this morning. I'm only doing 30 minute miles, but it's a start. My time will get better as I build back up my endurance.

Baby steps.... And I will get there.

Follow up with my new band doctor for an adjustment November 10.

Trying to put the basics back to work. I need to stop drinking with meals. Watching portion sizes. And weaning off carbs. So baby steps.

Taking a break

It's been three months since the move, and things are settling down. I'm learning the city, the ELB is settling into his job, and I've been interviewing like a crazy person.

Honestly, I'm tired. I've had about 30 interviews since July. Thirty. That's not counting the phone and Skype interviews. Just the in person ones.

I just got my third or fourth or fifth "you were a top candidate but we went with another candidate" notification on Friday. 

The job search is stressful. So I'm done. I'm taking time off from the job search. I'm going to focus on me (with the ELBs support). He actually wants me to take time off and suggested it. Not because he wants me to change, but he wants me to be happy. For some reason, he loves me even when I don't love me. And I'm really not in love with me right now.

I have a phone interview and an in person scheduled for tomorrow, which I had put on the calendar Friday (before we made this decision). I'm going to keep them bc they were already scheduled, but I have stopped applying for jobs. I haven't touched Indeed, Glassdoor, Monster, Career builder, or any of the other job boards since Friday. Since I'm registered with about six headhunters and I'm on LinkedIn, I'm going to let the jobs come to me.

I have an EGD and upper GI on Wednesday. I'm going to work on getting into a daily exercise routine. I'm going to start tracking my food again. I'm going to do my best to get my health back under control.

I want to be healthy and happy. I want to find my passion. I hope that this time will be a period of self discovery. I hope that I can find myself.

Life changes

So, it's been two months since I resigned from my job and the ELB and I left for St. Louis.

So what have I been up to?

Well, I have had a ton of phone screens and interviews. I've been unpacking. I've been cleaning (since the cleaners the previous tenants hired and paid for didn't clean anything). I have been grocery shopping like a normal person. I have been doing my best to stay on a regular sleep schedule. I've done more unpacking. And then I do more unpacking. I watch to much day time tv.

Things I have not been doing:

Shopping and spending alot of unnecessary money. Exercising regularly. Dieting (although I have been making myself more aware of what I am eating since Donny seems to have woken up since we moved). Going out to eat, although we do have take out a few times a week.

However, if things go the way that I hope they will, all of that will soon be changing.

Tomorrow, I hope to hear back from a job that I've had two positive interviews for. I just ordered an exercise DVD to try (Beachbody Country Heat). The ELB set up the TV/blue ray in the basement today for me. I have my kickboxing target.

I have plans to make changes. I have goals to get back to where I was health and weightwise two years ago. I need to kick this funk out of my life and be happy. I'm in a new city (again) with just the ELB, so I need to get out and make friends because I'm a social person. That's why I'm ready to go back to work, not just because I want money, but because I miss talking to people.

So far, this has been a very positive experience. I love how friendly everyone is.

Before we left Baltimore, I had a very very negative experience/confrontation with a woman at Walmart.  I have internalized it because it was so hurtful and hateful that to think about it now still makes me upset. Even now, two months later, it still hurts me. If you know me at all, I would hope that you know that I tend to get along with everyone. I do not care what race, religion, sexual orientation you choose.... I see people, and potential friends.

On this night, my last day at my job, I met up with two friends for dinner and drinks to celebrate my move and new beginnings. On the way home, I stopped at walmart to pick up a hand saw to break down some things for the garbage. It was late, almost midnight, and I went to the Rosedale location since it was on my way home. I found my item, and got in line. Of course, there were only like two lines open, and there were two people in front of me... And at least two people behind me almost immediately. And then the woman in front of me lets her mother cut the line with an overflowing cart. And I said. "You have GOT to be kidding me," because come on, it's late, I'm tired, and I just want to go home. And the woman exploded at me. She called me fat, she called me a slob, she told me that I should take the saw that I'm buying and cut off my fat stomach, and she went on and on and on. She then invited everyone behind me in line to go in front of her because she wanted to make me wait. 

I think the hard part for me was the fact that not a single person stood up for me or told her to back off. None came to my defense, I was left to fend for myself. I don't want to say that it was racially motivated, but it was. So what could I do? I couldn't DO anything. Anything I did would would have made things worse. So I had to stand there and listen to her and take this abuse from a complete stranger, knowing that I would never ever treat anyone the way that I was being treated, with other people watching and not saying anything.

I think that people think that bullies are only in school, but they aren't. They are everywhere. And I'm just sorry that this happened, because I can't imagine what was so wrong in this person's life that they felt that attacking a stranger in public was justified.

But this is my moving on. Lady, I forgive you for making me cry and for ruining a pretty good night for me. Because keeping this bottled up isn't helping me. I just hope that you can find peace with yourself for the hatred that you carry. I'm not letting you live in my head any more.

Sorry, I just needed to get that out. Note I can move on.

Another chapter

This past weekend, there the ELB and I did something crazy! We broke out of our routine and did something that we hope will be a positive for us. We moved to St. Louis!

In all fairness, we have not been happy in Baltimore for a long time, but we were stuck. It's so expensive to live there, that even though we hated where we lived and the house we lived in, financially it was what we could afford.

We had started looking for jobs out of state about two years ago, and even though we had some interviews, nothing was panning out.

And then, out of the blue, the ELB was offered a job that is giving us relocation expenses. It was a blessing and came right when we needed it most.

So now, we are in St. Louis. Although we do need to go back to Baltimore to close out our house and get the rest of our stuff, we are finally here!

So as the ELB goes back into a  9-5 office job, I'm (temporarily) unemployed and my job is to get the house together and make it a home. But don't worry! I've had two phone interviews this week (with another tentative) and I have two in person interviews next week.

This move has tested (and strengthened) my faith recently. It has tested (and strengthened) my relationship with the ELB. It has not been an easy move by any means. But now that we are here and knowing that we only have one more trip to Baltimore to finish things out, I know that life is in the process of getting better. We are ready to embrace this new life, and we hope that St. Louis will be our forever home.

Five years

Yesterday was five years.

I don't know when, or if, I'll stop counting the years. Maybe it's something I'll do the rest of my life. I don't know. I know that my mom always knew the loss of her mother, and I guess that's how it will be for me.

I'll be honest, I don't mourn everyday. I don't cry. But sometimes when I least expect it, something will hit me, and grief will roll over, kind of like a wave crashing on the beach. Sometimes it's gentle, and barely noticeable, and others it hits me like a tsunami. But it does get easier... The waves grow further and further apart.

I'll be 40 this year. My mom would have been 66.  My mom died when I was 35. Her mom died when she was 25.

I know that a lot of women lose their mothers earlier than me. And some women are blessed enough to have their mothers they're entire lives.

I'm so thankful to have had a mother that loved me. I hope that I'm someone that she would be proud of. I know that she didn't always agree with my decisions, but she never stopped loving me.

Back to basics

I have struggled. And I've gained weight. This winter had been a culmination of extended illness, antibiotics, steroids, forced time out from the gym... And eating.

I had my fill appointment last night, and the number on the scale was not good. I'm ashamed of myself right now.

When I started the process to have surgery in 2011 after my mom died, I was at my heaviest weight of 429. I was tired all the time. I hurt all the time. Every day was a struggle to just get out of bed. I had trouble tying my shoes. I was depressed. So starting the required 6-month program was almost a relief. It gave me focus and a goal, and I rocked it. Before I had my surgery, I was down almost 60lbs!

I never lost weight quickly, even after surgery. Every pound was a struggle. The lapband is not a magic bullet quick fix. I'm not good at following diets and meal plans. I allow myself cheats. To be honest, part of the reason that I picked the band was that it was less drastic. I knew that I could still enjoy food, albeit in smaller amounts.

By the end of 2014, I was down to 329... But not in a good way. I had too much restriction, and was relying on sliders to survive. I lived on milkshakes, ice cream, cake, cookies, chips... Not a balanced diet to say the least. Anything I did eat would sit in my pouch for days. I was vomiting all the time, and spent the nights co choking on whatever was in my stomach. But I lost weight! So I thought I was doing something right!

After my unfill in November 2014, I gained weight back because now I was able to eat solid food again. I think that my body went into panic mode and decided to store fat for the winter.

Then in March 2015, I was sick. Vomiting every hour for a week. Not able to keep anything down. Dehydrated. Exhausted.  I finally went in for a complete unfill, and was threatened with an IV for dehydration. Of course I regained like the pro that I am!

I started getting filled again over the summer. I was ready to get back on track and lose the weight I gained. But something was missing. Things weren't clicking. I wasn't motivated. My gym was closed for two months. So I languished. I was lazy. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. I drank milkshakes and had pizza. I had carte blanch to eat whatever I felt like.

And here we are today. As of this morning, my weight is back to 400lbs. I am a multitude of things right now:

Embarrassed
Ashamed
Disappointed
Devastated

But from all of that is born: Determined.

Yesterday, I got a small fill... 0.5 cc. I'm back to 5.5 in my band. I go back in five weeks for another adjustment. I talked to the nutritionistv last night, and we set some goals.

I am going back to the basics that were taught during my presurgery class. Reading labels, counting calories, and eliminating unnecessary food choices.

My goal is 1600 calories a day (that is her number, not mine). To eliminate soda (again, her idea BC I love my daily dt. Dr P fix). To cut down on carbs (yeah, her again. I'm supossed to give up BREAD. I love bread so much!) To exercise more (ok, this one is mine).  To drink lots and lots of water. To try and get my 10,000 steps a day, and to be accountable to myself. I'm going to weigh and email my nutritionist every Thursday. I need structure. I need guidance.

These are all simple goals. These are all things that I've done before. I am DETERMINED to do this again. I know I can... With some help.

So today starts a new plan to get back to the healthier me. I'm pushing the Restart button.