To those of you who are men and might be reading this blog, happy father's day. And to those single mothers who pull the weight of two parents, happy father's day to you, too.
I wished my dad happy father's day yesterday when we had our weekly 5 minute phone call. We talk about the weather. We talk about sports. We talk about work. We never talk about my mom, or my brother, or my dad's new family.
I know that my dad loves me in his way, I guess. And I love him in mine. But we had more in common when my mom was alive. So since she died, we don't really have anything to talk about.
The life I live is one that my dad doesn't understand. I hope that my dad is proud of my accomplishments, but I don't know if he is. I have three college degrees with honors on each one. I have a professional certification. I have a good job. I have a man that I love with all of my heart and who loves me back.
But where I grew up, success is measured differently. Getting married, buying a house, and having kids. The wife staying home while the husband supports the family. That's how I was raised, but that is not the life I want. And in that way, I think I'm a disappointment to him.
My mom wanted grandchildren so badly, and I know my dad does also. But I'm not ready yet. Not physically, not financially. I will be soon, if God deems it so. But I've accepted that maybe I won't be able to have kids, and the ELB and I have decided that we will adopt if that's the case. And that's OK.
Ive never tried to be anyone other than me. I've struggled, I've learned, and I've adapted to create a life that I'm pretty happy with.
But deep down, I can't help but feel that maybe I've been a disappointment to my dad my whole life. I wasnt popular in school, I was never considered pretty, I was overweight, picked on, and fairly miserable. And I've failed to get married and have kids... Which I'm sure is another disappointment.
That's why I don't go home anymore. I saw my dad last in December for a few hours. The next time I'll see him will be August. It's easier to hide from the disappointment if you just keep yourself out of the situation.
This isn't really where I expected this post to go today. I'm sorry it's such a downer. Just been super hormonal emotional this weekend.
I'll be better tomorrow.