#fatgirlprobs

Hollee used 'fat girl problems' in her comment the other day about my bread post. I like it, and now I am claiming it. Feel free to use it whenever you have a fat girl problem occur. It would probably be more effective if I was actually ON twitter--which I'm not--I'm not that interesting--but it's still fun to use hashtags! 

This morning, I'm having one of those days.

On the way to work this morning, I was thinking, "man, I would LOVE to go to Denny's and order that big breakfast blowout with eggs, and bacon, and pancakes, and a side of grits and eat EVERY.SINLGE.BITE".

In reality, I didn't. I went to the office. I bypassed all the food places, because, surprise! I'm not hungry.

I woke up a little down today. The sun hasn't shown up, and probably won't until next week as this coastal rain thing settles in for the weekend. I didn't get my walk in this morning because of the rain. I have to go offsite today, which means driving in said rain to DC. I'm just feeling bummed.

But I didn't go to my old friend, food, to help me through (yet). I'm sticking it out. I might be down, but I'm NOT out.

I've just got to learn to deal with things in ways that don't involve eating myself sick.  But the desire to 'eat away my problems' is still there. That doesn't go away--I just have to be stronger than the little voice in my head telling me that food will make everything better. 

Bread habits are hard to break!

See what I did there? I totally punned 'bad' and 'bread'--because, well..because I could!

Fat and Sassy commented on her post today about having 6cc's in the Band--and the issues with bread.  Like her, I've got 6cc in MY Band--and I am just now to the point that bread is NOT a good idea. Do I still try to eat it? Of course! Why? Because apparently, I'm a glutton for punishment and I LOVE getting stuck and sliming non stop.

Until I hit 6cc's, I could pretty much eat anything. The baguette from Panera that they give you with soup. Sandwich rounds. Doughnuts. Pizza.

Now, Bread and I are having a bad break up. I want Bread back--but Bread is all like, "no bitch--get away from me". And then I beg Bread, "please, I love you Bread! Don't leave me like this!". To which Bread replies--"I'm outta here!" before he hops on his metaphorical motorcycle and speeds out of my life for good.

I'm learning to live life without bread. And I'm struggling. I keep FORGETTING that it's not such a good idea. Monday morning, I toasted half of a sandwich round for breakfast. I didn't get stuck, but it sure didn't feel good going down.  I ate some pretzel townhouse crackers in the afternoon--and they were all like, "we are SO going to make you pay for this". Last night, I made the ELB some homemade buttermilk biscuits, more to prove that I could remember how to and that I hadn't lost that part of my upbringing. I ate ONE bite, and that biscuit was like, "girl, I ain't playin'".

 I am not going to try it again. I got stuck on that biscuit--and I was horribly uncomfortable.

Hollee posted this 'no dough' pizza recipe a while ago. I tried it, and I was on the fence about it. Why eat that when I could just eat pizza? But now, I am going to go back to the no dough recipe. It was good--and it will be my new pizza from now on--although, I have heard good things about the cauliflower pizza crust. So when the ELB wants pizza--he can have his and I can have mine--which is fine, because he doesn't like vegetables anyways.

Life without Bread won't be easy. Bread is everywhere. On yummy burgers at BTS in DC. It comes with soup. It is the foundation of all sandwiches--and I LOVE sandwiches.

But I can either choose to continue to eat bread, and live in fear. Or I can just move on, and embrace my new bread free path. Tough choice.  

bad habits are hard to break

Let me start this off by saying, I am NOT hungry. Not even a teensy tiny bit.

But I have opened and closed my desk drawers where I keep my 'snacky' foods approximately 100 times in the past hour. Why? Because I think I want something to eat. And every time I open the drawer and see what my choices are, I close the drawer and don't eat any of it.

In my snacky drawer, I have four cans of soup for emergency lunchs. I have six Fiber1 lemon and brownie bars. I have four pieces of Halloween candy that I'm saving for that day when I will die without chocolate ( don't worry--they've been in there two weeks and I haven't eaten it yet). I have tea bags and water flavor infusers, condiments, and protien powder for my coffee. I have 1/4 of a box of Townhouse pretzel crackers that I have had in there for about a month now. I did eat three of the crackers--which is why I am not the least little bit hungry.

I open the drawer, look at my choices, ask myself what am I doing, close the drawer, and then drink water. It's a never ending cycle.

If I was really truly hungry, I have 4 servings of chicken salad in the fridge, along with 2 servings of homemade vegetable soup, and a YoPa yogurt. I have two egg white breakfast sandwiches in the freezer. Therefore, I am not hungry. I am bored. Work is slow today. Things will begin picking up in the next few weeks, and it will be crazy until the end of January. But until then, I have to be conscious that I am not hungry, that I am bored. And I have to pay attention to myself and not eat because I am bored--that I should only eat when I am hungry.

You think it would be easy--but it is WAY harder than you would think it would be. Even with my band, i struggle to know what 'full', 'satisfied', 'comfortable' feels like. I can tell you what uncomfortable feels like--it's that point when you realize that 'oh sh!t, I really shouldn't have eaten that last bite'.  It's only at that point, most of the time, that I can stop eating. Otherwise, I just keep cramming it in. I have a hard time with portion sizes. My brain is still working to catch up with these changes. My brain thinks that when you eat a bowl of soup, you have to eat a BOWL of soup. My portion size = about 3/4 cup. My brains portion size = giant soup bowl full to the top (at least two cups--with refills!).

I know that my journey is going alot slower because of this. I am learning. It's a new thing for me, learning how to control the amount of food that I can eat. I spent so many years being a bottomless pit, eating insatiably, that even with the tool I have, it's hard to stop it.

Does it get easier? I sure as hell hope so!

yes, I did delete the post from earlier. you're welcome!

I think I'm okay

After freaking out ALL DAY  yesterday about my acid reflux being the symptom of a slipped band....I woke up this morning feeling SO MUCH BETTER.

I did email my surgeons office nutritionist (who is awesome) and I told her what happened, and she checked with my surgeon (in between surgeries) and she told me that he wasn't alarmed, especially since this was the first time I had this issue (heartburn), but to monitor it, and if it felt like it was persisting through the weekend, to come in Monday.

All day, I had that sour acidic tummy. It hurt to eat things, it hurt to drink things. There was a cookout at work yesterday, and I did eat a hot dog (no bun) and some bland potato salad.  Around 6:30 I had a Gatorade--and the first few sips were a struggle--but by the end of the bottle, I was feeling SO much better!

For dinner last night, I had a sliderfood meal of Chickfila chicken noodle soup and a strawberry milkshake. I tolerated everything good, my tummy felt improved about 1000x. I also crushed my meds last night, and I think that helped. I honestly think that it was my pills being stuck in my pouch because of the swelling from being stuck, and that it caused the irritation I was having. Right now, I'm on antibiotics for an infection in my newly rootcanaled tooth, so I'm breaking the capsul and pouring the powder into yogurt. I'm going to keep crushing my pills through the weekend, and just take it easy for a few more days by sticking with mushies.

I'm glad today is Friday. I am beat like a dead horse. I rolled with the ELB last night to PA for an event he was working. I didnt' get to bed until 1am--and I get up at 5:30! I'm supossed to roll with him to College Park tonight, but will decide by the time I leave work if that will happen. It's been a pretty weird week..I'm just glad it's done.

Happy Friday, Ya'll!

Need some advice--updated post

I made a roast in the crockpot last night (Wednesday). I made one last week, and the week before, and I didn't have any major problems. I typed this last night and have updated it this morning--sorry for the confusion! 

Last night that was not the case.

I had to get another root canal last night. When I got home, the ELB and I had dinner. I fixed his plate and I fixed my much smaller portion. I was good but wanted a little more beef. BAD idea.

I got stuck. Probably the worst I have ever been stuck. I slimed and slimed. I walked. I stood over the sink. I was miserable. It just sat there. And sat there.

Finally I PB'd part of it, and the rest worked it's way down.

Misery.

Five hours later I ate some yogurt and some mint tea.

I thought I was okay--that by morning, I would be FINE.

I took my pills and went to bed. This morning, I woke up with an uncomfortable burning lump in my throat/pouch. I wonder if maybe one of my pills didn't go down and got stick in my pouch all night?

I didn't think about crushing any of them, since the largest one is about the size of an aspirin, and they usually don't cause me any problems...I just didn't think about being swollen and the pills being an issue.

I chewed a Tums--but that is not helping. I was even desperate enough to take a few sips of the ELB's coke this morning to see if the carbonation would help things along. Liquid seems to be going through--I just have the burning sensation that doesn't seem to be dissapating.

So, any advice my lovelies on what to do next? Do I see if it runs its course, stick to liquids for the day, and make sure to crush my pills tonight? I figure since I can get liquids down, there isn't actually anything stuck stuck in there, so it's not really an emergency situation. I'm sipping on a protien shake now because I'm hoping the soy milk will help soothe some of the irritation--and when it goes through my pouch, I can feel it and it does feel better.

I don't want to waste a trip to the surgeon for something that can resolve on its own. Any advice from those of you who have had this issue before?

An open letter to my Brain

Dear Brain,

Stop trying to tell me I am hungry when I am not.

Stop trying to get me to eat candy and stuff that I don't need....and honestly, have NO room for in my tummy right now.

Stop trying to tell me it's okay to shove crap in my pie-hole, even when I just slimed on water--because you told me I needed a cracker. I didn't need a cracker. And I didn't need that half of a carrot cake cupcake I ate after lunch. That pushed me a little too far from being satisfied to uncomfortable.

Stop trying to tell me that I'm tired, and that instead of going home and taking a nice long walk with the ELB that I should put on jammies and sit on the couch instead. I AM tired, but it's a pretty day, and I am going to go on a walk, damnit.

Just stop it already. I love you Brain--but we have got to learn to get along. I want to be different--and you need to get on board with that--otherwise, I will always be a fat girl stuck in a fat body. And I don't want to be a fat girl anymore...I never wanted that, but that's exactly what I am.

That's why I got this little nifty tool to help me (and you, Brain). You just need to listen to it more, and understand that when it says 'no more', it means "NO MORE" and to stop trying to make it take more. Donny is here to help me (us), and she can't do that if you won't listen to her. Yes, Brain, I outsourced my stomach, because you didn't want to deal with it. Now you have to accept that you are no longer in charge of that part of my body. Unfortunately, you still control my eyes (that see food), and my nose (that smells food), and my tongue (that tastes everything)...and the hands that assist you with your devious plans. I look like an idiot fighting with myself, so unless you want to live in a padded room, you need to knock it off.

Get over it, Brain. What's done is done--and we have to accept change and move on. And you need to be the biggest change agent there is. I can't do this without you.

Love, Luka 

Slowly coming around....

I'm going to liken my brain to one of those big ginormous cruise ships that hauls thousands of people into the ocean, and bring them back safely. It's big, it's pretty, it's loaded with a sh!tload of useful information...but sometimes, in order to turn around, it takes a while. Just like a giant cruise ship, my brain has to keep going forward for a bit as it begins to slowly do the turn that will bring it back without tipping over. Tipping over is bad. So it's a slow process.

After my last fill, my brain has been working REALLY hard to get to the point it can begin making the turn. It kept going forward at the same speed it was right after the fill.  The next few days, it charged ahead--but then started to realize that something was different. And finally..FINALLY...I think that my brain has had an epiphany. She realized that hey, something is really different--maybe we should start changing course.

And she is changing course...slowly but surely, my brain is coming around to my Band's way to thinking.

Yesterday, I was AWESOME if I do say so myself. I was ON POINT all day long. I had halloween candy available to me, and yet I did not eat a single piece! Okay, wait--I did have one of those tiny little boxes of Nerds--but nothing chocolate and caramel. I walked almost three miles! And last night, I cooked dinner at home--a Jennie-O turkey burger with onions and green peppers, and a side of oven roasted mushrooms with cherry tomatos and garlic.

The only thing is--I didn't eat my protien first. I am a vegetable whore. I love veggies. And as a kid, I would eat up all my veggies first--and then eat my meat. I'm still like that. If I order a salad with chicken on it--invariably, I will eat the ENTIRE salad--and then eat the chicken at the end.

Last night, I ate my veggies--and then struggled to get my protien down. I did eat it all--probably ate too much and I was very full--but I did better. And yes, I DID use a small plate. My calories for the day were at 960 until around 10pm last night--when I had a snack of 8 Hershey kisses and a handfull of roasted almonds. So I probably hit around 1200 for the day. It's a start.

Sometimes, it just takes time for things to catch on. Let's see where this goes.