Thursday, December 12, 2013

Still not learning

Last night, I decided to make 'fried rice' using bulger instead of rice (because I'm afraid to eat rice any more). I had made some bulger the night before, and my plan was to saute some carrots, celery, and onions, then toss in the cooked bulger and some shredded chicken, scrambled egg, and some soy sauce.

I can say--FANTASTIC.  So much so that I ate THREE 1-cup servings. OMG. I don't know what I was thinking. I ate my first porition, and I was happy! I felt satisfied. I was comfortable. But then my brain started thinking about all of the yummy leftovers in the kitchen. And I went into this zombie brain eating trance--must eat EVERYTHING.

I made myself stuffed to the point of sickness. I binged. I have not binged in a while.  Not only did I have the super healthy mock fried rice till I was over stuffed and uncomfortable, I also ate Trader Joe's salted butterscotch caramel balls, peanut butter M&M's, pretzel M&M's, three bite size bagel dogs. It was not pretty.

I have not had a binge episode in a while--mainly because since this last fill, I've been doing pretty good (I think) with portions. I haven't had the need (or want) to binge eat. I'm not bulumic, but I have (in the past) binged until the point of vomiting. I never want to do that again--but I came very close last night. I binged until I was pb'ing peanut butter flavored water.

Today, my stomach is swollen and irritated. I regret it.  But there's only one thing to do--move past and move forward.

Today is a new day, and I can make today a better day than yesterday. I can make better choices (although this morning is bad in the breakfast scope b/c I'm having a McDonalds white chocolate mocha and a sausage mcmuffin---pretty much half of my daily calories in ONE meal).

My daily calorie goal is 1350. That's it. I just blew 680 calories on breakfast. But am I going to throw in the towel and chalk today up to a lesson to be learned and blow out the rest of the day? NO. I'm going to buckle down, enjoy what's left of my coffee (I paid for the calories, I'm going to enjoy the calories), and then I will focus on making the best choices I can the rest of the day.

Falling off the wagon isn't the end of the world. It's failing to get back on that is.

1 comment:

  1. I love getting coffee from McDonalds, but try to order everything non-fat. It's a good source of protein at least!