Climbing back on the horse

So, this week I went to see the new surgeon at my local bariatric office. As you guys know, my actual surgeon is in Baltimore, and I went to this new office a few times after we moved... But I had no insurance for a while, so I haven't been to the office in two years.

I like the new surgeon. She's nice, no nonsense, and the first words she said weren't "you should revise". She actually listened to me, and agreed that we will see what we can do with this Band to get me back on track. And then we can explore other options. Which was what I wanted.

So I go to the nutritionist on 11/7, and go in for a fill under flouro in January to check on the state of my band. If everything looks good, then we will go forward. If not, then we will do more testing. I'm optimistic that I can use this tool.

I'll be there first to admit that I eat too much. I drink with my meals. I don't eat alot of fast food, but I also don't exercise. All on me.

And it's on me to get my head straight. To change my habits. And to get control of my life.

W. T. F.

So, it's been a while.

So what's happened since July 2017?

Not really much.

I'm still not working, but hoping that will change soon.

We went to Cooperstown in September.

We went to Iowa and Michigan in November.

We went to Myrtle Beach in December.

We are going to San Diego next week.

I've gained back every pound I lost from pre and post op in 2012.

I have lost my motivation. I have lost my will power.

I don't have health insurance so no visits to the surgeon for band adjustments or nutritionist.

The stupid part is that I KNOW what I need to do. I just don't feel like doing it. I don't want to get sweaty.

But I need to.

So I need to get back to the basics. I need to eat better. I need to exercise.

I know that I've said this a million times before. And I'll say it a million times more.

So that's my goal. Small changes. Long term goals.

Any tips and tricks to help make some changes and keep them?

Next steps

Last week, the nutritionist recommended that I start a meal plan that incorporates two protein shakes a day (breakfast/lunch), and a maximum of 2000 calories a day.

I had to order some more protein powder, and that arrived yesterday, so tomorrow I start that plan. I figured while the ELB is out of town for the next week, it would be the best time to do this since I know I get a little (lot) bitchy.

So here's to getting back on track, losing weight and being healthy. I want to fit back into my previously purchased clothes that I wore two winters ago and not have to buy more things that fit.

(baby) steps in the right direction

Today, I met with the nutritionist at my new Lapband doctor's office.

She had some good advice and we talked about the basics: making the choice of protein first, no drinking with meals, healthy choices, less white bread carbs, etc. I follow up in a month for progress. She gave me a calorie range to work for, and encouraged me to get back to tracking my food--which I am going to do.

I have lost weight recently--about 7lbs since May 16--and I haven't really been trying, so I think that's a good sign.

I just bought a new Fitbit Charge2 to replace my old Flex that has stopped working so great. I got two new shaker jars for mixing shakes, and I found out that even though I'm lactose intolerant, I can still do whey protein isolate, which means I can go back to using Unjury. I also bought some Chike protein coffee, which I tried this morning and I liked it pretty well. 

I'm getting into the right mindset. I feel my motivation showing up in places. Baby steps. Diet first then I can work on getting exercise back.

Back to the basics redux

Tomorrow, I restart my weight loss journey.

I have a notebook. I have protein powder. I have plain Silk, and I have the beginning of willpower.

I have the desire to lose weight. I have the desire to be healthy.

In a few weeks, I have a meeting with the nutritionist, and I expect that when I meet them, that I will be given a 1200 calorie/day diet plan. So I might as well start working on this now.

I am going to start writing down what I eat again. I'm going to work on cutting calories.  And I think I'm going to hold off on getting a fill for a little bit.

Now I just need to start sneaking in some exercise, and I'm sure that I'll start seeing the scale go down again.

Tomorrow starts the journey... Again!

Roadblocks

I went to see my new Lapband doctor yesterday for follow up and a fill.

No fill. He couldn't find my port, so now I need to have my next fill under flouroscopy. And pretty much every fill under flouroscopy. So I'm waiting for that to be scheduled, but I'm debating the need for a fill. I'm at 4.5 in a 10 band. I am feeling some restriction, and I'm almost afraid to mess with things to much. My band is temperamental and sometimes something as small as .25 will cause me to go from  too open to closed.

I have an appt with the nutritionist on June 12. Maybe getting a better eating path will be as effective as a fill right now.

Essentially, he feels that if I can stick with a reduced calorie diet and exercise that I can lose weight. Well, ya, I know that. I'm just trying to get motivated to start exercising. Apparently, there is no such thing as spring in Missouri. It went from winter to 90's. So of course I don't want to do stuff outside.

So I'm looking for my motivation. I think I left that in Baltimore last year... Probably in the storage unit. Maybe I'll find out this summer.

I watch the My 600lb life to try and help motivate me. I don't think it helps. And I think my Fitbit is getting ready to die and I'm trying to decide is it's worth investing in a new Charge 2 as a replacement. Any guidance on the Fitbit is appreciated!

But I did lose 4lbs. I guess that's a start!

Trying to turn a page

So, the past 12 months I haven't done a thing. I haven't exercised with regularity, I haven't tracked food intake, counted calories, or restricted myself.

I'm paying the price. I had to buy fat pants for work. I had to buy shirts up a size larger than I usually wear. My back hurts all the time. I'm tired. I feel lazy.

I have regained everything I lost in 2012-2014.

And now I need motivation. I need to get my eating under control. I need to cut back on carbs. I need to start moving again.

So I've started by getting my first fill in about a year five weeks ago. Before the move last year, I went and got an unfill, which dropped my band down to the 3cc starter level. Now I'm at 4.5 cc, and it's helped slightly. I get soft stops, but I still drink when I'm eating. That's probably the hardest habit to break.

I have a second fill tomorrow.

My PCP wants me to meet with a therapist. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I know that I need to make a change. I'm just lazy. I lack willpower and motivation. It's a catch 22. I know that I'll feel better once I start exercising again... But I know that results take time, and I want instant gratification.

I have the tools. I have the knowledge. I just need me to be on board.

So how do you find the missing piece? How do I reclaim that part of me that was so eager and enthusiastic five years ago?

Is it worth seeing a professional? Can I do it on my own? If you've seen a professional therapist for weight issues, how did it go? Did it help?

The heat is on

Saturday, I was honored with being asked to be a bridesmaid in my best friend's little sisters wedding.

Of course, I said yes! She's the little sister I never had, and even though we aren't related by blood, they are family.

So now it begins... The quest to get into shape and lose weight to fit into a dress.

If I needed motivation, then being in the wedding party with my best friend as we stand up for her little sister when she gets married is it. Thank God the wedding isn't until 2019! 

Life happens

So, it's been a jolly good while since I've posted anything about me here. Sorry about that. I'm sure that you're dying to know what's going on in my little corner of the world.

So, I stopped looking for a job after four months of interviews (seriously, I had about 30 interviews in three months and I was bummed and burned out), and then I got a job. A job that I had interviewed for in early September called and offered in November. And since I didn't have anything else going on, I accepted.

So I had a job lined up to start the Monday after Thanksgiving. Then the ELB and I went to Iowa. Then we came home for a day and then went to Michigan for Thanksgiving and had a great visit with my bestie and her family. We consider then family.

I started my job, and then we went to Myrtle Beach for our annual beach vacation for Christmas. Came back and got back into the groove at work. And since then, it's been nonstop.

Then January came and the ELB was in AZ and then NY, and I've been to KC twice... we both have been busy. I've also been battling sciatica this past week, so I've been fun to be around.

The good news is, I finally have health insurance again! So now I'm trying to get an appt with a Band doctor here in STL. I'm waiting for the office girl to call me back since my first fill has to be under flouroscopy. I started the process in the fall and had a scope to check for erosion, and I was cleared.

I'm nervous to get a fill because I'm afraid that it won't work. It's been so long since I've had any restriction that I don't think I remember the rules, and I've regained like ALL the weight I lost. I haven't weighed myself recently but it's bad.

But I want to get back on track. I want to lose this weight again, and get healthy and stop feeling so shitty. My self esteem is in the crapper, I feel like a failure, it makes me sad and angry.

So, I'm back to square one. Once my sciatica clears up, I'm going to start walking again. I have already stowed a pair of shoes in my office. I just need motivation.

I need help. I need willpower. I need strength. But most importantly I need to believe in myself again.

Baby steps

I'm taking baby steps. Walking in the morning. Easing back into routine. I started with one mile two weeks ago, and have increased to two miles as of this morning. I'm only doing 30 minute miles, but it's a start. My time will get better as I build back up my endurance.

Baby steps.... And I will get there.

Follow up with my new band doctor for an adjustment November 10.

Trying to put the basics back to work. I need to stop drinking with meals. Watching portion sizes. And weaning off carbs. So baby steps.

Taking a break

It's been three months since the move, and things are settling down. I'm learning the city, the ELB is settling into his job, and I've been interviewing like a crazy person.

Honestly, I'm tired. I've had about 30 interviews since July. Thirty. That's not counting the phone and Skype interviews. Just the in person ones.

I just got my third or fourth or fifth "you were a top candidate but we went with another candidate" notification on Friday. 

The job search is stressful. So I'm done. I'm taking time off from the job search. I'm going to focus on me (with the ELBs support). He actually wants me to take time off and suggested it. Not because he wants me to change, but he wants me to be happy. For some reason, he loves me even when I don't love me. And I'm really not in love with me right now.

I have a phone interview and an in person scheduled for tomorrow, which I had put on the calendar Friday (before we made this decision). I'm going to keep them bc they were already scheduled, but I have stopped applying for jobs. I haven't touched Indeed, Glassdoor, Monster, Career builder, or any of the other job boards since Friday. Since I'm registered with about six headhunters and I'm on LinkedIn, I'm going to let the jobs come to me.

I have an EGD and upper GI on Wednesday. I'm going to work on getting into a daily exercise routine. I'm going to start tracking my food again. I'm going to do my best to get my health back under control.

I want to be healthy and happy. I want to find my passion. I hope that this time will be a period of self discovery. I hope that I can find myself.

Life changes

So, it's been two months since I resigned from my job and the ELB and I left for St. Louis.

So what have I been up to?

Well, I have had a ton of phone screens and interviews. I've been unpacking. I've been cleaning (since the cleaners the previous tenants hired and paid for didn't clean anything). I have been grocery shopping like a normal person. I have been doing my best to stay on a regular sleep schedule. I've done more unpacking. And then I do more unpacking. I watch to much day time tv.

Things I have not been doing:

Shopping and spending alot of unnecessary money. Exercising regularly. Dieting (although I have been making myself more aware of what I am eating since Donny seems to have woken up since we moved). Going out to eat, although we do have take out a few times a week.

However, if things go the way that I hope they will, all of that will soon be changing.

Tomorrow, I hope to hear back from a job that I've had two positive interviews for. I just ordered an exercise DVD to try (Beachbody Country Heat). The ELB set up the TV/blue ray in the basement today for me. I have my kickboxing target.

I have plans to make changes. I have goals to get back to where I was health and weightwise two years ago. I need to kick this funk out of my life and be happy. I'm in a new city (again) with just the ELB, so I need to get out and make friends because I'm a social person. That's why I'm ready to go back to work, not just because I want money, but because I miss talking to people.

So far, this has been a very positive experience. I love how friendly everyone is.

Before we left Baltimore, I had a very very negative experience/confrontation with a woman at Walmart.  I have internalized it because it was so hurtful and hateful that to think about it now still makes me upset. Even now, two months later, it still hurts me. If you know me at all, I would hope that you know that I tend to get along with everyone. I do not care what race, religion, sexual orientation you choose.... I see people, and potential friends.

On this night, my last day at my job, I met up with two friends for dinner and drinks to celebrate my move and new beginnings. On the way home, I stopped at walmart to pick up a hand saw to break down some things for the garbage. It was late, almost midnight, and I went to the Rosedale location since it was on my way home. I found my item, and got in line. Of course, there were only like two lines open, and there were two people in front of me... And at least two people behind me almost immediately. And then the woman in front of me lets her mother cut the line with an overflowing cart. And I said. "You have GOT to be kidding me," because come on, it's late, I'm tired, and I just want to go home. And the woman exploded at me. She called me fat, she called me a slob, she told me that I should take the saw that I'm buying and cut off my fat stomach, and she went on and on and on. She then invited everyone behind me in line to go in front of her because she wanted to make me wait. 

I think the hard part for me was the fact that not a single person stood up for me or told her to back off. None came to my defense, I was left to fend for myself. I don't want to say that it was racially motivated, but it was. So what could I do? I couldn't DO anything. Anything I did would would have made things worse. So I had to stand there and listen to her and take this abuse from a complete stranger, knowing that I would never ever treat anyone the way that I was being treated, with other people watching and not saying anything.

I think that people think that bullies are only in school, but they aren't. They are everywhere. And I'm just sorry that this happened, because I can't imagine what was so wrong in this person's life that they felt that attacking a stranger in public was justified.

But this is my moving on. Lady, I forgive you for making me cry and for ruining a pretty good night for me. Because keeping this bottled up isn't helping me. I just hope that you can find peace with yourself for the hatred that you carry. I'm not letting you live in my head any more.

Sorry, I just needed to get that out. Note I can move on.

Another chapter

This past weekend, there the ELB and I did something crazy! We broke out of our routine and did something that we hope will be a positive for us. We moved to St. Louis!

In all fairness, we have not been happy in Baltimore for a long time, but we were stuck. It's so expensive to live there, that even though we hated where we lived and the house we lived in, financially it was what we could afford.

We had started looking for jobs out of state about two years ago, and even though we had some interviews, nothing was panning out.

And then, out of the blue, the ELB was offered a job that is giving us relocation expenses. It was a blessing and came right when we needed it most.

So now, we are in St. Louis. Although we do need to go back to Baltimore to close out our house and get the rest of our stuff, we are finally here!

So as the ELB goes back into a  9-5 office job, I'm (temporarily) unemployed and my job is to get the house together and make it a home. But don't worry! I've had two phone interviews this week (with another tentative) and I have two in person interviews next week.

This move has tested (and strengthened) my faith recently. It has tested (and strengthened) my relationship with the ELB. It has not been an easy move by any means. But now that we are here and knowing that we only have one more trip to Baltimore to finish things out, I know that life is in the process of getting better. We are ready to embrace this new life, and we hope that St. Louis will be our forever home.

Five years

Yesterday was five years.

I don't know when, or if, I'll stop counting the years. Maybe it's something I'll do the rest of my life. I don't know. I know that my mom always knew the loss of her mother, and I guess that's how it will be for me.

I'll be honest, I don't mourn everyday. I don't cry. But sometimes when I least expect it, something will hit me, and grief will roll over, kind of like a wave crashing on the beach. Sometimes it's gentle, and barely noticeable, and others it hits me like a tsunami. But it does get easier... The waves grow further and further apart.

I'll be 40 this year. My mom would have been 66.  My mom died when I was 35. Her mom died when she was 25.

I know that a lot of women lose their mothers earlier than me. And some women are blessed enough to have their mothers they're entire lives.

I'm so thankful to have had a mother that loved me. I hope that I'm someone that she would be proud of. I know that she didn't always agree with my decisions, but she never stopped loving me.

Back to basics

I have struggled. And I've gained weight. This winter had been a culmination of extended illness, antibiotics, steroids, forced time out from the gym... And eating.

I had my fill appointment last night, and the number on the scale was not good. I'm ashamed of myself right now.

When I started the process to have surgery in 2011 after my mom died, I was at my heaviest weight of 429. I was tired all the time. I hurt all the time. Every day was a struggle to just get out of bed. I had trouble tying my shoes. I was depressed. So starting the required 6-month program was almost a relief. It gave me focus and a goal, and I rocked it. Before I had my surgery, I was down almost 60lbs!

I never lost weight quickly, even after surgery. Every pound was a struggle. The lapband is not a magic bullet quick fix. I'm not good at following diets and meal plans. I allow myself cheats. To be honest, part of the reason that I picked the band was that it was less drastic. I knew that I could still enjoy food, albeit in smaller amounts.

By the end of 2014, I was down to 329... But not in a good way. I had too much restriction, and was relying on sliders to survive. I lived on milkshakes, ice cream, cake, cookies, chips... Not a balanced diet to say the least. Anything I did eat would sit in my pouch for days. I was vomiting all the time, and spent the nights co choking on whatever was in my stomach. But I lost weight! So I thought I was doing something right!

After my unfill in November 2014, I gained weight back because now I was able to eat solid food again. I think that my body went into panic mode and decided to store fat for the winter.

Then in March 2015, I was sick. Vomiting every hour for a week. Not able to keep anything down. Dehydrated. Exhausted.  I finally went in for a complete unfill, and was threatened with an IV for dehydration. Of course I regained like the pro that I am!

I started getting filled again over the summer. I was ready to get back on track and lose the weight I gained. But something was missing. Things weren't clicking. I wasn't motivated. My gym was closed for two months. So I languished. I was lazy. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. I drank milkshakes and had pizza. I had carte blanch to eat whatever I felt like.

And here we are today. As of this morning, my weight is back to 400lbs. I am a multitude of things right now:

Embarrassed
Ashamed
Disappointed
Devastated

But from all of that is born: Determined.

Yesterday, I got a small fill... 0.5 cc. I'm back to 5.5 in my band. I go back in five weeks for another adjustment. I talked to the nutritionistv last night, and we set some goals.

I am going back to the basics that were taught during my presurgery class. Reading labels, counting calories, and eliminating unnecessary food choices.

My goal is 1600 calories a day (that is her number, not mine). To eliminate soda (again, her idea BC I love my daily dt. Dr P fix). To cut down on carbs (yeah, her again. I'm supossed to give up BREAD. I love bread so much!) To exercise more (ok, this one is mine).  To drink lots and lots of water. To try and get my 10,000 steps a day, and to be accountable to myself. I'm going to weigh and email my nutritionist every Thursday. I need structure. I need guidance.

These are all simple goals. These are all things that I've done before. I am DETERMINED to do this again. I know I can... With some help.

So today starts a new plan to get back to the healthier me. I'm pushing the Restart button.

#epicfail

Getting unfilled was awesome and horrible at the same time.

I can eat and drink without any issues. No PB episodes. No reflux. I have a cold and I'm not so tight that nothing goes down and water comes back up.

The bad part is that I can eat and drink without any issues. It's like I'm wide open there, even though I'm still half filled. This has led to me pack on weight like I'm going to hibernate for the winter.

Since April, I have regained 47lbs. That is alot of hard work that has been thrown away on my part. I'm disappointed in myself. Embarrassed, even, that I've let this get out of control.

I am still working out 2- 3x a week. I still make good food choices...most of the time. Am I perfect? No, but then again I never was. But I'm not living on milkshakes and sliders. I eat real food, and that sometimes involves gravy or rolls... But not every meal.

So Monday, I made a decision to buckle down. To be more aware of what I eat, and when I eat (I've gotten bad about eating at night after 9pm). 

I'm tracking in MFP. I'm doing my best to get to the gym when I can. I'm drinking more water and eating less chocolate. I've switched back to diet soda from regular soda.

And I started a challenge with three coworkers to get through the holidays, and hopefully be lower than when I started. Let's see how this goes! 

Unfilled and feeling pretty good!

I got a small unfill last week--0.5 cc out of my "confirmed" 10cc band. Now I'm sitting right at 5cc--or half full.  What a huge difference!

I can drink water like nobody's business! It's amazing--I was relying on soda just to help me eat--and now I can drink water again I feel so much better! I can eat without issues--no PB or stuck issues. And I've cut my soda back to like one time a day for caffeine purposes.

I've noticed that I feel less hungry, if that's even possible. I'm not eating all day. Meals seem to keep me satisfied for hours, so that sometimes I need to remind myself to eat. I'm able to make healthier choices like salad without fear of issues. I haven't been to the gym since the unfill (aunt flow was visiting), but I have double Zumba and kick boxing tonight.

I will admit a small binge on Halloween candy this week, but that's over BC I ate it all and now it's gone.

Right now I'm focusing on the basics. I'm tracking calories (under 2000 per day), working on my water, and will go back to the gym at least three days per week. I need to try to add more exercise, but I'll work on that moving forward (maybe try to add back my daily lunch walk when I have time to take lunch).

I have an appt to get a refill in February, but I'm really hoping that this works and I can see progress.

Planning an unfill

I'm still battling the snot-monster. It's never ending, it seems like. I do everything that I'm supposed to be doing per my ENT, but it doesn't seem to be enough. Twice daily saline flushes, Claritin, plus weekly allergy shots. But I usually wake up choking on snot, and relying on Coke to dissolve the snot so that I can eat and drink.

So Wednesday, I'm going to ask for a small unfill to see if it alleviates some of the issues I'm still having. Plus, this is the  season when the ELB and I gear up our travel (Detroit, Myrtle Beach, and Alabama on the schedule for the next three months), and I would prefer to not have any emergency issues on the road.

Fingers crossed that it helps.

Donny is a real...piece of work

So, Donny has been really persnickety lately. It doesn't help that Ive had alot of sinus issues with drainage. That's beside the point.

For the past six weeks or so, Donny has been to the point that I need to drink soda in order to break up the snot so that I can actually eat anything and get it through my band. I know, I know, don't lecture me about soda.

I've also been having night coughs again because the sinus drainage at night backs up and won't go down. It's not acidic, it's just hot watery snot.

Three days ago, I told the ELB that i might get a small unfill at the end of the month. Like .25 or even .5. Right now, I supposedly have 5.5 in a 14 cc band, but I really think that it's 5.5 in a 10cc band BC I think my surgeon got mixed up. Either way, I'm not too tight, and before the sinus issues and infection, I was doing awesome at this restriction.

Since my unfill comment, Donny has been AMAZING. She's got restriction, but not so much that I'm having PB. I can drink water again. I'm feeling satisfied, and the night coughs are lessening.

What's up with that? I didn't think that my band was capable of independent thought, but apparently she is.

I'll see how things go through the end if the month and see where things stand before I make any fill/unfill decisions.

I don't know why I have so much trouble with my band. I see so many other people who have had successful weightloss with their bands, and I haven't. I get frustrated that I'm only a few sizes down from where I started, and I'm still wearing a 26/28. I really thought that I would be a success story, but I guess that's not meant for me to be.

Anyways, I'm still here. I'm still plodding along. I'm exercising, and trying to eat healthy, and still wanting to have a baby but I wanted to be less heavy before that, but now my biological clock keeps reminding me that I'm 39, and time is running out. And I'm nowhere ready physically or financially for a baby.... Even though I want one. Sigh.

Sometimes I really feel like I missed out on the life I was supposed to have because of my weight. But then again, my weight had given me the life that I have. So I guess it's not all bad. I have a man that loves me and wants to be with me and has been with me for almost 10 years. I'm pretty accomplished in my chosen field, which I've worked hard to get to because I've had to fight the weight stigna, so I worked harder in school and in certifying so that I would be more marketable. I have some terrific friends that I never would have met if not for this lapband. I just wish that I had been able to do more with it, and to be a weight that I'm not so ashamed of.

Wow, i suck at blogging

So, it's been a while. How y'all doing?

I'm hanging in there. I've been sick...again. I have a sinus infection that moved into both my ears. That has been horrible to deal with. Like, Vicodin horrible. Plus all the drainage and Donny tightening up on me.... It's been a struggle. I slept 15 hours from Friday into Saturday.

I had to cancel my fill appt because at the time I had so much irritation I was actually having PB episodes again, which scares me. So I moved that to November with the hope that going to the gym more will help me to relose what I've gained.

Work has been nuts lately--long hours, employee issues, firing and hiring, and essentially being overwhelmed. I love my field, and yes, daresay most days I love my job. It's just turned into a high stress position recently.

So that's all that's going on in my world. The ELB is good. I'm getting better. Just looking forward to fall.