Thursday, May 2, 2013

Welcome to the World, Donny-girl!

I named my Lap Band "Donny"--Okay, in all actuality, her full name is Donette. 

Why, you ask? Well, the ELB and I had a discussion about the idea of nicknaming it before I got it so that I could refer to it as a 'person' instead of a thing--so that when we were in public, or around people who don't know that I have it (which is EVERYBODY), it would flow conversation easier.  It also helps me to give inanimate objects personalities--so that I can learn to love them. For example, a future conversation with the ELB with Donny being the topic of conversation might look something like this:

me: Donny is being a total BITCH to me today!
him: Who?
me: you know, DONNY...My "friend" (and I would totally use air quotes here because that is how I roll)
him: I thought your "friend" was Aunt Flow
me: (deep sigh) No baby--my OTHER friend.  The one that is with me ALL THE TIME.
him: Don't get snippy with me. You have alot of 'friends'. I can't keep up with them all.

etc etc. I'm sure you can see where this will eventually lead.

Anyways, you may be asking yourself, where did Luka get such an AWESOME and UNIQUE name for her Lap Band? And you would ask me, "Are you a professional namer of inanimate objects?"

And my response would be, "Thank you, but no, I don't name things for a living--but OMG that would be the KEWLEST JOB in the entire world!" I would totally come up with more awesome names for things than they have now. For example, something like the word "door" would be replaced with "swingy thing that locks people out".

So, where did Donette come from? Donettes were the little chocolate covered Hostess donuts that you could buy in gas stations.  They used to be my most FAVORITE FOOD EVER.  I could EAT some of those bad boys. Stick them in a freezer, and I would just go to town.  Only Hostess Brand--no knock offs, please! (Thank GOD they don't make them anymore).

A long time ago, I was super disciplined and I worked out really hard and watched what I ate for an ENTIRE YEAR..and I lost 50 lbs. But one day a week, I allowed myself to cheat.  Every Thursday night, after the gym, I would roll through the Taco Bell drive through that was next to my gym and get a quesadilla and a nacho supreme--and then I would hit the gas station next door to that and get a box of Hostess Donettes (two if they were on sale). And then I would eat the Taco Bell and the Donettes would go in the freezer--and then I would eat the Donettes once they were frozen.

I couldn't tell you the last time I had one--it has to have been well over a year ago. But the Lap Band does kind of resemble a small donut (or Donette, if you please). And I figured what would be the best way to immortalize something that I used to love (which is now extinct)? Well, name something implanted INSIDE MY BODY after it. That way, it lives forever--or at least until I die.

So, now you know the story of Donny.  And of course, Donny is obvs a girl, because the only male that gets inside me is the ELB. (ha!). Well, except for that one time my surgeon cut me full of holes and shoved Donny inside..but I don't count that.

And as much as it pained me to see Hostess go out of business (because the ELB loved him some Twinkies), inside, I kind of secretly was relieved--because a whole realm of snack foods were removed from my ability to eat them. And that has to count for something, right?


  1. Which company was it that made the oatmeal cream pies? Those and the nutty buddy bars are my FAVES *droooool*

    I don't even look in their direction. If I do, I might start rationalizing why it would be okay to eat JUST ONE...and then more..AND THEN ALL OF THEM MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Sorry about that.

    1. Little Debbie! Man, I love them. I had to stop following them on twitter because it made me think of them too often.

      R.I.P Donettes. My husband brought the powedered sugar imposters into the house recently and I felt like Daryl Hannah in Steel Magnolias "What is this in my frigidaire?" Luckily, I don't think that powdery mess would make it past my band (which sadly does not have a name).

  2. My faves were Hoho's and Ding Dongs. I used to get one Hoho wrapped in silvery foil every week in elementary school when we had "hot dog day" - mustard hot dog, orange drink, bbq chips, and a hoho - only junk food I ever got - I think it all cost $1.10, lol. I'd unroll the Hoho and lick out the creme.

    Food obsessed much????

    I think if I named my band after food I might be tempted to try to chew my own belly....might be good exercise? Wouldn't be the same to call my band a Ho...and talk about "that Ho" either, huh? (I know I know it isn't the right shape. But once I unroll it and lick the creme out you could roll it back into a band shape...)