Slightly disappointed

I got on the scale at the surgeons office today for a drive by weighing. I gained 2.4 pounds. All things considered  I'm ecstatic!

At first I was upset because I weighed at my PCP and her scale weighs different....and it said 367.4! I was ready to cry. But the scale at my surgeons is the one that I am using as my official measure of progress.

So 2.4lbs its totally losable by my next appointment on September 25. Along with whatever else I can get off me.

change is good....right?

I went to the salon last night to get my hair cut.

Just so you know, I am very weird about my hair. I go through stages where I will grow grow grow it out for like, three years and have it all long--and then just walk in and chop it all off and start over again.

I had been growing my hair long before surgery. It was the longest I had kept it since I was 19. The day before I was released to go back to work from my lapband surgery, I went and had it all chopped off to around shoulder length. BIG CHANGE.

The past few months, I have been letting it grow out a little (Biotin is making my hair grow FAST). It had been two months since my last cut, so I had scheduled with my stylist for last night.

I gave her a picture and said, I think that this would be flattering. And she agreed (because she isn't going to lie to me), and she made it happen. She's been encouraging me to go shorter for a while now--and I've been a holdout. From shoulder length to just below chin length. It looks super cute--I think. My coworkers love it. The ELB says that it will take a day for him to adjust, but he liked it. I actually have a NECK! And one day soon, I'll have collarbones and will be even MORE awesome.

I'm changing my body--why not my hair? Change is GOOD!

Humpty Dumpty Day

Nothing new really going on. Still trying to stick to plan. Walking my laps every morning. Getting a haircut tonight. Toe thing tomorrow. Then off for the nice long weekend for recovery.

I've been writing down everything faithfully, but have been a little lax with the calorie counting. I made gnocchi with sauteed kale, onions, garlic and spices..and some grated parmesan. Was really awesome--but I threw away the gnocchi package the night before without reading the nutritional information. I didn't really track how much cheese I used--it was more than a sprinkle--less than a handful. These are the back to basics that I need to start doing again.

I know that I don't need a fill, because I do have restriction. I feel it every morning when I have my breakfast sandwich. Last night, I felt it when I was eating my TJ turkey meatballs. I think I've just been eating too many sliders (donuts, ice cream, crackers, white bread) in the recent past--and that has to stop. I'm only hurting myself, and hindering my progress with this. 

In some respects, I am jealous of the ones of you that can not eat breads at all, because if I couldn't eat bread at all--I would be really disappointed--but probably so much further in my journey. I have not had rice (and I LOVE rice), and I just tried pasta for the first time this past weekend--but that is another slippery slope that I have to be wary of going down.

I am not so much a sugar addict--I am a carb addict. I know, in some respects, they are the exact same thing. Refined white flour = sugar when metabolized. I would choose a warm crusty baguette with salted butter over a cake or cookie any day. I would choose pasta over potatos. But in the end, it's all the exact same thing.

I am not one of those people who can do a sugar detox. I don't think that I'm so addicted that I can't survive without it. And I like having the little treat on occasion. That's why I chose the band over the RNY...no dumping syndrom. I can still exist in polite company/work/public, and noone knows any different.

But I need to retrain my brain. Stop with the donuts. Stop with the bread. Stop with the pasta.

I'll report on my scale visit tomorrow. Disappionted I can't exchange my chicken Unjury--no return/exchange policy even though it's brand new--but I'll survive.

Here's to a good hump day--and a downhill easy slide into a long holiday weekend!

Monday = back on track!

No matter how far I fall over the weekend---I know that Monday morning, I am back on track.

I. LOVE. STRUCTURE!

This week will be a challenge with being off 1/2 day Thursday (getting my toe cut open and fixed), off on Friday, and the long weekend...which means that I HAVE to keep myself on track until work resumes on Tuesday.

I pounded out SIX laps this morning. I had my protien coffee and egg white breakfast sandwich. I have errands to run at lunch. I hope to get on the elliptical when I get home. I need to bank up some exercise for this weekend, since I'm not sure how eager I am going to be to work out/walk with my toe recovery. I won't be able to wear closed toe shoes for at least a week without pain.

I should probably pull out my weights and start working on toning up my arms. They have gotten super flabby lately since the fat is melting out. They were big and fat, but firm. Now they are fat and flappy.

Even though my appointment was canceled on Wednesday, I'm still going to drop by on Thursday (my PCP doing my toe thing is in the same building as my surgeon), and hop on the scale. I also need to exchange a jar of Unjury chicken for some chocolate or vanilla. I like the chicken, but I don't need it--whereas, I use some chocolate or vanilla every morning with my coffee.

I'm scared/nervous to get on the scale. I'm going to make sure that I wear my light weight weigh in pants. Fingers crossed that I'm holding steady or have gone down. I'm afraid that the donut indiscretions will have made me gain.

Happy Monday!

Confession

My name is Luka, and I am a donut-holic.

Last Friday night, the ELB and I drove to Rockville and went to Krispy Kreme. It was bad of me and it was emotionally motivated.

Tonight, we did the same thing. We drove to Rockville (40 miles one way!) and got 1 dozen Krispy Kremes. Stupid app always telling me when the hot and now light is on.

Tonight though, we skipped the trip to DC for burgers, fries, and a milkshake. We just went for donuts.

Did you know they have a chocolate caramel pretzel donut? Me either! But it was delicious. I would have posted a picture but we split it in the parking lot.

I've also discovered that I can tolerate whole grain pasta. I was going to make turkey tacos, but after I cooked the turkey I realized that I'm having pain from my dental work and changed it to spaghetti sauce. I didn't have any shirataki noodles left, so used some of a box from way before pre surgery...and I did ok. I chewed really well.

Now that I have another month before I see my surgeon again, I'm afraid that I will struggle to stay on track. I honestly don't think I need a fill...just more motivation. And less donuts.

it's friday!

'nuff said.

I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with the ELB this weekend before his schedule blows up and I only get to see him on the occasional week night/Sundays. His job is go go go Sept-June, and it's always an adjustment when the fall comes.

I'm wearing my new jeans today. I had a root canal done yesterday afternoon. I picked up some more Mikes Frozen Hard Lemonades for the weekend (I've found that 1/4 of one of the pouches in a glass eaten with a spoon is like a little dessert at night--and I have been sleeping so soundly!). I am a cheap drunk. :)

I ran errands before work and during lunch (will have to make up my morning walk with elliptical tonight). It's calling for crazy storms this afternoon, but it will be a harbringer of (supossedly) cooler temperatures this weekend. The ELB has always wanted to go to the Little Leauge World Series--maybe we will ride to PA this weekend. Who knows.

Just looking forward to the end of the week, going home, and getting some qualify time with my man!

Hope that your weekend is just as swell as I hope mine is!

hola chickies

Just doing a drive by posting. OMG the sparkles worked!

Just for reference, the ELB = ever loving boyfriend. It took time to find something to fit him that wasn't a pain to type, could be quickly referenced, and would make sense.

This morning, I got to work and did my 4 laps.  I ended up going to Panera for lunch with some of my coworkers (soup/bread/chocolate croissant), and my one coworker was like, "I was in (boss's) office this morning when you were walking, and she said, "You can really see that Luka has made alot of progress". So, chalk that up to THREE comments this week about my weight loss, second hand as it may be.

I'm starting to wonder if I've had a more noticeable loss the past month, or if people are just starting to notice?

I was scheduled to see the surgeon next week for my 5 month bandiversary/monthly followup/fill visit. The ELB and I had already talked, and I had decided that I don't want another fill right now. This past month, because of its spectacular craptacularness, really threw me off track with eating and exercise, and I was going to focus on getting back on track. I've also been rocking some restriction (not too much, but enough to make me aware..most of the time).

I was going to keep my appointment, but only go in as a check up and weigh in. The surgeons office called today to ask if I could reschedule--they are having issues with the new computer system.  The earliest they could get me in was 9/18/13. I already have my appt next month on 9/25/13, so I'm going to skip the August visit. I do plan to run over sometime next week just to step on the scale to see if I'm up or down. Fingers crossed it's down. As of last month, I was still about 11pounds away from being able to use the scale at home. I'm hoping that I'm closer to getting under 350.

In addition, I found a pair of jeans that fit (for the time being). These are being called my 'transition' jeans, since I don't plan on being in them for very long. My next clothing goal is to fit into the size 26 jeans I got a few months ago. I had orignially said by Labor Day--but that ain't happening. So, my new goal for those jeans is December 1. I ordered my transition jeanso online through Catherines (for some reason, they are the only jeans that fit right now). I ordered a 28 avg in the moderately curvy cut. I usually go with the curvy cut, because, lets be honest...I have ALOT of curves. Everywhere.

I brought them home last night (don't you LOVE free delivery to stores?), and was afraid to take them out of the bag--in my head thinking, OMG, these stupid jeans are NOT going to fit. I'm going to look like a sausage and realize that I haven't lost weight--I've just stretched out my old jeans  and it just makes me think I've lost weight. Yes, this is the esteem killer I have living in my head.

I figured  that I might as well get it over with, took off my work pants (in the living room), pulled on the new jeans....and they FIT. They are a little huggy on the thighs, but fit everywhere else (not perfect, but better--the crotch isn't halfway to my knees)! So, now on Fridays (and weeekends) I can look better than I did wearing my huge baggy pants I have been wearing. Best $40 I have ever spent! I felt way more confident in them, even with the huggy thighs.

When I was at my dads last weekend, I brought back two old pair of jeans that I had left there to be my "farm" jeans. When I left them, they were skin tight and uncomfortable to wear..but they still had a little 'life'l left in them. (by life, I mean that the inner thighs have not worn through and I could wear them without a patch job). I wore both pairs this past weekend, and they were both loose (but not baggy) and comfy. They were soft and broken in and felt like old friends. So, now I have three pairs of jeans that fit--two for weekends when I don't need to look as nice, and a new pair for casual work Fridays.

This makes me happy. Now, after getting into my first goal of size 26 jeans by December 1, my second goal is to fit into my moms spring/summer clothes (cute crops and tees and skirts and sweaters) in sizes 22/24 by March of next year. I think that's realistic, right? I hope so because I am fo-shizzle broke, and don't want to see these clothes go to waste (although they will one day be donated to some other person who needs them).

Happy Hump Day!

My cups runneth over...

Twice in two days, I have had two different people remark on my weight loss.

The first occured yesterday during my morning walk around the building. A woman was like, "out for your morning stroll", and I was like, "yes, ma'am!". She said, "you've been doing this for a while now, haven't you?", and I was like, "I started in November", and she said, "Keep up the good work. You're making great progress!". And I was all like, "thanks!".

This morning, I was on my morning walk, and a girl from the other end of my building that I see in passing every day (we always exchange the courteous good morning) was walking in, and she was like, "Looking good!". And not in a weird sexual way, you pervs. Just a friendly observer way. And that kind of made my day.

So even though I don't really see/feel the changes that are happening (other than my ginormous pants), other people do. The ELB always tells me that I'm doing great--but I just don't see it.

Quick question--has anyone else had this happen? I'm losing weight, but I SWEAR my boobs are getting bigger. It's not the "you lose weight around them and they look bigger" phenomenom---they are physically BIGGER. My bra size has not changed one iota. I'm still wearing the same bra's as before (44c from Lane Bryant), but my cups runneth over. The ELB is escatic, and I'm not complaining--just wondering if it's normal?

Enough about my cleavage. Hope that everyone else is having a great day!

Pissed...but it might be good

Sorry I've been out of the loop the past week. Last week ended on an emotional low. I was told Thursday right before I left work that I wasnt going to be offered the most recent internal position that I applied for. I was ok with that but my frustration at not ever being considered for the five jobs I've applied for took its toll...along with the emotions i was still riding last week. I told the HR girl I was done. I wasn't wasting any more time applying for internal positions bc this company doesn't appreciate the talent they have. I have a BS, an MBA, and a professional certification. Her suggestion was that i should consider looking at admin positions. Really? I'm supposed to take a job that I'm way over qualified for in order to work in my chosen field with a bunch of women who who have less education and experience...that's not going to happen. I told her that maybe when i lost another hundred pounds i would be good enough to work in their dept and i walked out. I'm done.

Its been four years. Four years of shoddy pay increases, of being bored, of being yelled at by employees. I am awesome at what i do, but if i had to do this for the rest if my life i would shoot myself. I am not happy....but i am loyal. Too loyal. I should have been gone last year, but i had a plan. Get my surgery, lose weight, reach my goal, get my skin removal surgery then start looking for a new job when my weight would not be a deterrent.

Now I'm starting the job search. If nothing else it should motivate me to exercise and stay on plan. This weekend i was off. Not super off but i really need to work on staying on plan on weekends.

I am going to lose this weight. I got two pairs  of new tennis shoes for walking over the weekend so i can keep putting on the miles. And i am going to not let my weight keep me from applying for new jobs. There has to be a company out there that needs someone with my talent, skills, education, and experience. And I'm going to find it.

Wish me luck.

Tuesday stuff

Today, my coworkers did a mini-birthday party for me. The tradition in my office is, the current birthday person gets to choose their type of deal (either breakfast or dessert). Breakfast parties are usually Panera Bagels and fruit salad. Dessert parties are a dessert of the birthday persons choice. The person who had the last birthday plans/provides for the current birthday person. The current birthday person then plans/provides for the next birthday person. It's a cycle, and it works pretty well.

Usually, I ask my birthday provider to make this Italian wedding cake thing that has ricotta cheese in it and chocolate whipped frosting. This year, I was a rebel and asked for an ice cream sundae bar. It wasn't crazy.  Brownies, vanilla ice cream, fudge/caramel sauce, and cherries. I was SO good. Small brownie, 1/2 scoop of vanilla ice cream, drizzle of caramel and fudge....and 8 marachino cherries. I LOVE marachino cherries.

I went out to lunch with a coworker and had french onion soup and a baguette from Panera. Not perfect food wise--but holding my own.

The ELB and I are going grocery shopping tonight to procure supplies. We slacked off last week since we were going to be gone most of the time...so now it's time to restock. I also hope to have a chance to look for a new pair of tennis shoes. I like my Nikes, but I think they are too 'soft'. I walk hard. I like shoes that have a more firm sole--trail runners are good for that. These are running shoes, but have that full foam sole and it doesn't feel as supportive. I just hate shopping for shoes.

So, that's my day, in a nutshell. I have my grocery list. I have some coupons. Let's get this done.

So, did you miss me?

I'm baaaaaccckkkk!

What a humdinger of a crap-tacular weekend, let me tell you.

The past two weeks have been nutball- cray cray in my world.

We test drove cars on Sunday, bought one on Monday, returned the rental on Tuesday, went to my dads' on Wednesday, then spent Thursday (my birthday), Friday, and Saturday eyeball deep in Sh!t, ridding/sorting/cleaning. After two truck loads to the Goodwill, and 11 55-gal construction waste bags later, we closed up the house, and headed back to Baltimore. The ELB had a gig on Sunday morning, so we did our night drive.

Sunday, I stayed home and vegged out.

Today, I am working to get back on track with food and exercise. The past two weeks have not been good food wise. I have not tracked a single thing I have eaten. I have not gotten my normal exercise, either. I did get SOME exercise--but not as much as I normally would. I bought a new food journal, and have started the day back on plan (except I only got to walk two laps--the maintenance people were spraying the outside of the building with pesticides, and I didn't want to die so I cut my walk short).

Luckily, I still had restriction on my trip (hello high elevation and elevated humidity!) without which, I would have most likely gained  a ton of weight. As it is, I put on my work clothes this morning, thinking that I magically would have regained all 68 lbs in the course of a week--but my work pants were still baggy this morning--so I worried for nothing! If I gained it should be minimal, and as long as I am down SOMETHING come August 28 at my next check in, I will be a happy happy girl.

Emotionally, I am spent. Things with my dad/new wife/brother/SIL are tense, as always. Dinner was torture. I can't even look my dad's wife in the face, for fear that she will see how much I hate her. I don't like hating people. But I don't like her. And right now, I don't like my dad very much, either. I hope things get better--but I have a feeling that it will be a very long time before I can accept her, and the changes that are being made in my absence, if I ever CAN accept them.

I am so lucky to have the ELB. He is my rock, and I cannot possibly love him anymore than I do. He is my best friend. He keeps me sane. He holds me when I cry. He schleps boxes and bags and sorts through dust/mold/rodent infested stuff to help me with this chore. Without him, I couldn't do this. Any of this. He is my biggest fan.

Just in case I had forgotten....

Donny reminded me this morning that she is in there, and she means BUSINESS. Part of it is probably stress. Part is probably my Aunt Flow hormones. Part is surely related to the weather (it's damp and rainy and Donny hates humidity). So I am tight. Very tight today.

The past few days (since Friday, I guess) I have not been a good bander. I have been eating alot of foods off my normal food plan. I have been busy.  The ELB had some gigs in DC, so we were there on Saturday and Monday night for that. We were in northern VA on Sunday car shopping. We have not been home all weekend.

I have had (deliciously awesome) burgers TWICE!
I ate an entire order of hand breaded onion rings by myself!
The ELB and I split a (heavenly) cookies and cream shake.
There was an incident involving a calzone.
There was an incident involving Boardwalk fries and a deli sandwich.
There might have been a Twix bar (or two) in there.

Needless to say, lack of my normal daily structure, exercise, and being home to cook, has put a severe kink in my weight loss approach lately. I don't think I've eaten a meal at home all weekend.

This morning, as I was making the ELB a turkey sandwich, I popped a slice of turkey in my mouth--and I got stuck. I slimed. and slimed. and slimed. while standing over the sink. And finally, just when I was about to sip some water to float that bad boy back up and out--I finally felt it slip through. And I have been tight and uncomfortable all day. I didn't not eat breakfast--so I had a shake. I didn't pack lunch, so I had a can of Campbells tomato soup (and it was great because I don't think I could handle chunks right now).

Right now, I'm getting in some water. And even that feels tight. So just in case I had forgotten that I had a band and what the purpose was--I was very quickly reminded today. Sometimes, I just need a wakeup call.

On the car front, the ELB and I found (and bought) a replacement yesterday.  Toyota Prius. 50mpg (top selling point). It's an adjustment to go back to a car, when I've been driving SUV's for 11 years--but it's one that is easier to make when I consider how much gas we will be saving. Hello expendable income! Welcome back to my pocket! :)

I'm off till next week--and will be without any type of phone/internet signal in the boonies--so I'll have to update you all next week when I get back.

My ovaries are stronger than....

The ELB and I have a running joke about me and the power of my ovaries.

See, my ovaries have magical powers. They are STRONG. I mean, they have like their own gravitational pull. They can disrupt electronics. If I let them, I'm sure they would be telekinetic and I would walk around all day with things like snickers bars and cans of coke attached to my abdomen.

I have the equivalent of Chuck Norris in the form of ovaries.

I am the alpha female when it comes to periods. I WILL pull you into my vortex. Think you have a period you can set your clock to? Think again. I have every single woman in my building on MY period schedule.

I use my magical ovary powers to change red traffic lights to green.

I can (and will) disrupt TV signals--or use my ovaries for good to get better reception.

My ovaries can either love me or hate me. Sometimes, I think they are out to kill me.

My ovaries would TOTALLY rock a Katy Perry whipped cream bra, if they could.

The ELB refers to the power of my ovaries as 'legendary'. He will even comment, "hey, use your magical powers to _______________". And usually, whatever I do, works.

Today, my ovaries are stronger than the birth control pills.  Aunt Flow is not supossed to be here till next week. I am a good girl, and I ALWAYS take my BCP every day, at the same time.

Aunt Flow showed up last night. Seriously. She's a week early. This is how my ovaries deal with me being stressed beyond all recognition--they just add to the mix!

In addition to eating pretty much everything that came within 50 feet of my face last night, choosing to not exercise in leiu of sitting on the couch in air conditioning and watching junk television all night, staying up WAY past my bed time, forcing me to go to Olive Garden for lunch with a coworker (my THIRD lunch out this week--WTF), making my band so tight that this morning I had a stick episode... she has just decided to show up early and give me a pounding headache on top if it.

Happy Friday, ya'll....Seriously. Aren't you happy you aren't me?

It's Thursday

I don't have anything interesting to say. Still waiting on the estimate for my car, and the clock is slowly ticking on my rental.

Next week will be super stressfull--heading home to see my dad and to celebrate my moms birthday. When she passed away in 2012, my dad said that every year we would get together on her birthday to have a memorial and spread some of the ashes.

The idea of this is good--but the execution isn't. The ELB compared it to ripping a bandaid off the healing process every year. I'm torn on how I feel about it. My mom's birthday was always special to me because my birthday is the day after hers.  She was in labor with me on her 26th birthday, and we always had a special connection because of this. The year I turned 26, we celebrated our 'half-birthday'--because that was the year I was exactly half as old as my mom. My parents actually traveled to Michigan (where I was living at the time) so that we could celebrate it together.

Last year, when we did this memorial for the first time, it was hard. We (me, ELB, dad, brother, and SIL) gathered to spread some ashes, my dad talked, and then we went to dinner--where we met my dad's new girlfriend. At this point, you have to understand, my mom had only passed away in March--and in August, we did this. It's no secret that I think my dad moved on way too quickly.

Now it feels weird to even think of celebrating my birthday at all when the day before I'm expected to reopen the mourning wounds. In addition, I will also be having my Aunt Flow visit next week--and already the emotions and mood swings are heating up. I can only imagine how psychotic I will be next Wednesday.

I don't know why I'm putting all this out here--but there it is. Any advice on how to handle the 'memorial', dinner with my dad and his new wife, my brother (and SIL) who I have not spoken to since this event last year, combined with the hormonal roller coaster I will be riding thanks to my Aunt Flow--and since it's how I roll, it will probably be the hottest August on record? I want to hold it together and not go batsh!t crazy on people--but I'm afraid that my emotions will rule the day.