Next week will be super stressfull--heading home to see my dad and to celebrate my moms birthday. When she passed away in 2012, my dad said that every year we would get together on her birthday to have a memorial and spread some of the ashes.
The idea of this is good--but the execution isn't. The ELB compared it to ripping a bandaid off the healing process every year. I'm torn on how I feel about it. My mom's birthday was always special to me because my birthday is the day after hers. She was in labor with me on her 26th birthday, and we always had a special connection because of this. The year I turned 26, we celebrated our 'half-birthday'--because that was the year I was exactly half as old as my mom. My parents actually traveled to Michigan (where I was living at the time) so that we could celebrate it together.
Last year, when we did this memorial for the first time, it was hard. We (me, ELB, dad, brother, and SIL) gathered to spread some ashes, my dad talked, and then we went to dinner--where we met my dad's new girlfriend. At this point, you have to understand, my mom had only passed away in March--and in August, we did this. It's no secret that I think my dad moved on way too quickly.
Now it feels weird to even think of celebrating my birthday at all when the day before I'm expected to reopen the mourning wounds. In addition, I will also be having my Aunt Flow visit next week--and already the emotions and mood swings are heating up. I can only imagine how psychotic I will be next Wednesday.
I don't know why I'm putting all this out here--but there it is. Any advice on how to handle the 'memorial', dinner with my dad and his new wife, my brother (and SIL) who I have not spoken to since this event last year, combined with the hormonal roller coaster I will be riding thanks to my Aunt Flow--and since it's how I roll, it will probably be the hottest August on record? I want to hold it together and not go batsh!t crazy on people--but I'm afraid that my emotions will rule the day.
That's really hard, and I can't offer any advice. I know it will be hard, but something I did on my birthday this year was think of 25 things I have this year that I didn't have before surgery last year (since it was my 25th birthday). I hope you find comfort in trying something like this.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Luka Beth, that sounds really hard. To be honest, I wouldn't do it. I'm pretty selfish about my mental health and I would say that it's still too difficult and I just can't do it. That maybe next year, it won't be as hard. But I realize that not everyone would be like that.
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