Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Learning Curve

One thing that I'm learning with Donny having proper restriction is that the desire to eat and the ability to eat are two ENTIRELY different things.

Sometimes, I really really really want to eat something. I get in my head that I really need __________, and in my former life, I would go out and obtain said item, and consume it...sometimes in vast quantities. If I was craving a Whopper, why stop at just one, when TWO was better! Want a donut? Might as well get a half dozen--it's cheaper! Why stop at a 6-inch sub when a footlong was cheaper--and I could get a combo with chips and a drink, and yes, please add on 3 cookies! Hell, There was a time in my life when I could cook and eat half pound of pasta, a pound of turkey burger, and entire jar of Ragu--for ONE meal!

I have a problem. I can't shut off my brain when it comes to food. I don't know if this is what is classified as an addiction, but that's what I was. That's what I am.

I wake up and I want to eat breakfast. I have to remind myself over and over and over again while I'm drinking my one cup of coffee with protien powder and soy milk, that breakfast is NOT an option for me right now. That if I try to eat breakfast, then I won't be able to eat lunch or dinner--because I will surely get stuck, PB, and then have to stick with liquids and mushies the rest of the day.

Sometimes, for dinner, although I know I'm eating healthier, my mind keeps the idea that if it's healthy food, I should be able to consume vast quantities of it in one sitting. Instead of one piece of Talapia, I'll make two. Instead of one cup of chili, I'll try to eat two. When I go to a restaurant, I'll study the menu and critique the merits of one meal over another--trying to figure out which one will give me a bigger bang for my buck--the largest portion that will cause me to have less food envy with my fellow diner(s).

This is a battle that I fight against EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Having Donny has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. She reminds me that there is no way in HELL that I can eat one whole whopper, much less two--so why even get one? She tells me that if I really truly want a donut, I can have one--but I'm taking the chance of having a PB episode because of it. She has trained me that pasta is the devil and something that I would love to eat--but which is no longer an option. It doesn't stop my brain from going, "hey, lets stop and get a donut. C'mon....you KNOW you want a donut (insert other unhealthy food here)". Donny just reminds me of what I can and can't handle.

I know myself well enough to know that if I really really REALLY want something, I'm going to go out and get it....and I will try to eat it until I give up and either give it to the ELB, or put it away for later.

Is the solution perfect? No, but then again, it's better than the alternative of not having made this choice to have surgery. 81 lbs ago, I was having trouble with tying my shoes. My blood sugar was out of control. My blood pressure was high. Nothing fit. I was always hot and sweaty. And yet I was still eating...but I was eating in secret. At home with the ELB, I would eat good healthy foods..but during the work day, I would go out to lunch, eat in my car so that noone could see what  I was eating, making trips through the drive thru with an order written out on a post it note so that it looked like I was picking up for more people than just me.

I have a problem---and yet, I am the solution. Me. I have to solve my OWN problems. And I am working on it. It's a work in progress--but every day it gets easier.

Every day, I realize that if I don't finish something right this minute, it's okay--it will still be there later, if I want it. I realize that if the ELB and I get a dozen of donuts, that if I eat one right now, that I can go back later and have another one if I want it--it's still going to be there. It's okay if I have leftovers that last for more than a day. I find myself eating things three or four days later--when before, I could have eaten the whole meal in one sitting. Now I actually GET three or four meals out of something that was actually supossed to be thee or four meals.

I will never regret this decision. Ever.


  1. great post girl! understanding yourself and how you and your brian operates is a big % of our battle in my opinion. I am porud of you. You are doing great

  2. Great insights! I fight many of these same battles. For me I know it isn't enough to take the food away, because the food is meeting a valid need - comfort, reward, self soothing, stress release, etc. I have to have something to put in its place. Sometimes it is just a hot drink. I know a really really good one would be exercise but dammit I just won't get that one going yet!!!!! I have several other things I do that sometimes meet the need. But it's really hard to fight that auto-pilot response which is to assume what I need/want is food, because that is my go-to obvious answer to solve every feeling!

  3. I fight some of the same battles. And while it is no fun, it is still better than what I was doing before.