oops..I did it again!

After writing about my eating on Friday, Saturday turned out to be a sorta banner day for food. I made a pot of turkey chili, and every time I ate some, I did it with a ramekin and a cocktail spoon. Yes, during the course of the day, I probably had 6 of those little ramekins of chili--but usually I would have had 2 cups in a giant soup bowl (covered with shredded cheese)every time instead (which is usually three or more times)--so baby steps but it's still progress.

Yesterday, though, I did my eating thing bad again. The ELB and I stopped at Chili's on the way home from College Park. We did the 2 for $20 deal. I had three of the boneless buffalo wings (think crispy chicken nuggets), and all of the celery. I had ordered the Honey Pepper grilled chicken and shrimp. It came served on oven roasted potatoes and green beans. I ate the shrimp, and then packed up the rest to go home.

Fast forward to four hours later, and even though I still felt full and satisfied--my brain kept telling me that I needed to eat dinner because if I waited too much longer, it would be too late to eat. So I ate the grilled chicken breast, potatoes, and green beans. All of it. And it was WAY TOO MUCH food. But did I stop myself from eating all of it? No. I justified it because after I had eaten half of the chicken, I was like, well, it's stupid to save this half of a chicken breast for later--I'll just eat it now. I can't leave just two potatoes, so I'll just go ahead and finish them now.  And the whole time, I was hating myself for not being able to stop the fork.

This is what I struggle with.

I am seriously wondering if hypnosis would be helpful in shutting off the part of my brain that does this to me. My Band was screaming at me to stop--but I didn't. I kept going....and going.

Has anyone else ever tried hypnosis to help control their eating issues? I see deals on Groupon and Living Social sometimes for a session for $50--and I was wondering if it's worth the money to see if it helps at all.

I just can't keep doing this to myself.

Listening to the band

I'm getting better at it. I learned allot about it yesterday snag last night. And I'll continue to learn about it (and me) as i continue this journey.

Thank you ladies for your support. I struggle with not knowing if what I'm going thru is normal, and without a real band support group locally, i really appreciate having you be honest and share your own struggles.

On that note I'm going to do some housework..but will leave you with an image of a bunny on my tummy (TM pending) which is an awesome stress reliever.

I have a problem

I honestly think that I am a food addict.

Today, I went to lunch with a friend at Noodle Co. I got my order, ate about 1/2, boxed the rest. I was comfortable. THEN I ate 1/2 of a rice krispy treat they sell there. Okay, I was feeling somewhat unconfortable, but I was still okay. No pb or slime or anything--just really full. and I could kind of feel things starting to back up some.

Fast forward an hour, and I sneak a bite of my leftovers. Why? I don't know--I wasn't hungry--I just wanted it. It kind of got a little stuck--i had just a tiny little bit of slime, and then it moved down. I backed off. I didn't NEED anything more to eat.

Fast forward about 30 minutes after that, and I eat a freaking CUPCAKE.

W.T.F.

I have no idea why I do this to myself.

I didn't even WANT the cupcake--I think in my head, I just had the idea that it could possibly be the BEST CUPCAKE EVER (even though it wasn't)...and I didn't want to miss out.

It's not even head hunger--because I am not feeling any hunger. I don't know if it's just years of bad habits, if it's a mental compulsion, or what....but this can't be normal....can it? Or is this the same type of things that all of you also struggle with every day? I can't be alone in this. I hope I'm not alone in this.

Made some goals!

I was afraid that since I was already rocking some restriction this week, that the 0.5cc that my surgeon put in on Wednesday would make me TOO tight, and that I would end up having issues and would have to go back and get some taken out.

As of right now, I'm doing okay with the amount. I did good with sticking with soft foods yesterday until last night when I made the ELB some homemade biscuits for dinner--and I ended up having two of them. I didn't get stuck, but they did sit there for a while. I also had oven roasted broccoli with mushrooms--and bacon. I probably didn't get enough protien, which is totally my fault. And apparently, despite all of my education, I am unable to spell protein..protien? Crap.

Anyways, I deffinitely need to slow down, take smaller bites, and chew chew chew! I haven't gotten stuck on anything yet--but I do feel things as they go down--especially if they are big.

So happy it's the weekend! I have goals!
1. Clean the bathroom!
2. Do the laundry!
3. Clean the kitchen!
4. Kill the mouse that is tormenting my baby girl!
5. Try to take my vitamins!
6. Make some chili! (or something similarly yummy)

Will I get them all done? Or will I be a lazy ass and sit and watch cheesy movies and old TV shows all weekend while the ELB is working? Let's find out next week!

Hope you all have a great weekend!

A loss is a loss!

I was SLIGHTLY disappointed that when I got on the scale at the surgeons office that I wasn't down more than what I was. According to the scale in their office, I was only down 1.6.lbs from my last appointment in July.

I'll take it! That means that I lost the stress weight that I gained during August, but it also means that the discrepancy between my PCP and my surgeons scale isn't consistant. Although, in all fairness, at my PCP, I did weigh in the morning, I didn't eat breakfast, etc....and by the time I had been to the sugeons last night, I had eaten lunch, drank iced tea, and ate some yogurt. 

I did get a fill--0.5cc, so now I'm at 6cc total. I told him that I was still eating large portions too quickly, and that I am literally counting down the hours between meals. Well, 75% of the time I am--when I am not rocking restriction like I have been this week.

He didn't make me do the drinking test this time--he just checked my level (5.5cc), and told me that he was going to put in 0.5cc, asked me if I felt any pressure (which I didn't)...and then was done. Afterwards, I sat up and he had me drink some water and it didn't back up into my throat.

I should know by tomorrow if it's going to be too tight so that I can get in and have some taken out if needed. My friend who had hers a few weeks before me has 8.5 in her band--and has been at that level since her second fill. I can't imagine EVER having that much in it, but who knows that will happen in the future. I just want to see the scale continue to go DOWN.

I am SO CLOSE to the 350's that I can taste it. I know that 350 seems HUGE to most of you--especially those of you who started at my goal weight (of 250)--but for me, this would be a huge accomplishment. I haven't weighed under 350 since college--so I am really anxious to break this barrier. Every time I lose weight, I hit the 350s and plateau and then start to regain. I am BREAKING this cycle. I will get through the 350's, and I will not look back.

I am going to keep on doing my best to stay on plan, I am going to work on controlling my portions (hopefully with some help from Donny), and I hope that when I go back in 6 weeks for my next check in (on November 13) that I have blitzed the 350's and will be in the 340's. Wouldn't that be terrific?!?

Love you guys! Thanks for being so supportive. I love being a part of your journey--and I'm so glad that you are part of mine!

Six months ago today....

I said yes to the rest of my life with LapBand.

I have not regretted the decision.

Do I regret some of the decisions that I make with what I eat which have slowed my progress--yes, but not the choice to have the surgery.

I was out of control with my eating and weight gain. I knew that unless I did something drastic, that would only continue to go up. I weighed 428 lbs when I started the journey. That was August 27, 2012. Today, my weight starts with a 3...and will hopefully be in the 350's when I go this afternoon. And by this time next year--my weight will start with a 2. I haven't weighed in the 2's since high school.

Since getting my surgery, although my progress is slower than some, my weight has come down. My numbers at my doctors office today--six months post surgery, are awesome.

A1C--6.6 (drop from 6.8 just three months ago!)
Blood pressure--112/72
Triglycerides--144 (should be less than 150)
HDL (good) Cholesterol--51 (should be more than 50)
LDL (bad) Cholesterol--145 (should be less than 100)

So, my LDL is still high--but not as high as it was six months ago.  My dad also has high cholesterol--so it might be genetics, but my PCP wants to check it again in six months. She's confident that with continued exercise and weight loss, I can bring that number down, too, without the need for medication. How awesome is that?

I go to see my surgeon tonight about getting a fill, but now I'm wondering if he will let me have one. At my PCP today, according to her scale, I've lost 5 lbs since my visit on Aug 29. The scale at the surgeons weighs differently, so we will see.

Right now, I'm ejoying some Chobani 0% yogurt mixed with SF jello cheesecake pudding mix and some madagascar bourbon vanilla. I topped it with a dab of Trader Joes Pumpkin butter....delicious! It's like eating pumpkin cheesecake! And I only had half of my chickfila grilled chicken wrap for lunch. No walk today, but will take care of that when I get home.

Isn't it an awesome day? Hope you are all having awesome days, too!

Google!

I am a Google whore. The ELB is more so than me. So this morning, when I saw the GoogleMap Streetview car parked down the street from work--I HAD to get a picture. The ELB is jealous!

In Bandland, I'm still rocking the restriction. W.T.F.

Yesterday, I got in 4 miles of walking. My calories topped at out 1290 for the day. THIS is what Band life should be like--yet, I know that 75% of the time, I struggle. I struggle to keep my calories low. I struggle to get enough exercise. I struggle to get my water in.

I have my 6 month band appointment tomorrow (actually ON my 6 month bandiversary--how rare is that?). I want a fill. I want to be rocking this restriction and energy and feeling good about stuff more often than one week a month. Okay, I'm dreading the scale because I am sure that I've gained--and it's week three before Aunt flow shows up--so I'm about 99% sure that I will show a gain. A gain bodes well for getting a fill--but is disappointing nonetheless.

I never updated my ticker when I had the small gain a few weeks ago--because it wasn't my official weigh in--I just ran in and got on the scale.  To be consistant, I always schedule my Band appts on Wednesday. I always wear the same pants. And I always go at the same time of day so that as many factors are as close each time so that I get the most accurate weight reading. It will be updated tomorrow--good or bad. Would love to see good--but expecting the bad.

But this week, I'm doing awesome so far. Yes, it's only Tuesday--but every day is a new chance to be on plan. To get exercise. To make good choices.

I just have to remember that when I choose to eat a cookie, or a cupcake, or a slice of pizza...I have to decide, what's in it for me? That stuff won't help me get into my next size down pair of jeans that have been patiently waiting since June. That stuff won't help me to get a better job. That stuff won't make me happier...and it will probably make me feel like crap.

I need to remember that I am doing this for ME. Not for the ELB. Not for you. Just for me.

Shhhh! I think she can hear me!

So, you know how I've been looking forward to my appointment next week, and possibly getting a fill because, lets be honest, I have been eating like a 12 year old boy just before he gets a growth spurt. In other words--insatiably!

Well, I think Donny heard me, and she has all of a sudden decided to play the restriction game. I have been tight the past three days. It's not hormonal (Aunt Flow doesn't show for another two weeks). It's not the weather (which, btw, has been absolutely GORGEOUS here this week). Barring those two things which seem to make Donny tighter--I don't know what is causing it--except the B!tch heard me talking about getting a fill.

I'm still requesting a fill because I don't feel like I've lost anything recently--not even the 2.4 lbs I gained the last time I weighed in. I think that less than .5 cc should be enough to get me to a happy place. I don't want crazy PB and sliming all the time restriction. I just want enough to make me slow down and eat right (which is kind of what this recent restriction feels like). To remind me to chew chew chew. And to eat the protien first, especially if I'm only going to get a few bites in.

After my walk this morning, I've done 7.25 of my 10 mile goal. I can totally reach that, especially if the ELB and I take a walk tonight.

I've noticed that I've been really super duper tired lately. I'll be the first to admit that I am horrible about taking my vitamin because it's disgusting. Do I just need to be more consistant with my vitamin to stop this rundown feeling? My PCP is doing a full panel blood work, so I guess she will see if there is anything that I need to be concerned about (I tend to run slightly anemic), but was wondering if taking the daily vitamin really does make a difference with being a Bander over RNY.

Happy Friday!

Crazy in my hizzle....fo shizzle?

From now until the end of January, my work will get crazy busy. It's our "go" time. So, if I seem crazy or frantic or weird or stressed--that would probably be the reason. The ELB and I are already counting down to vacation the first week of January--when we will be basking on the beaches of South Carolina. We leave Dec 28 and come back on January 4--unless we decide to extend an extra day or two. Only 14 more weeks to go!

Unfortunately, I have not been able to get my 2 miles a day so far this week. I've been getting 1 - 1.5 miles in the morning. However, I think that if I do some elliptical this weekend, I can make up for it...hopefully. I have been better with my food (barring the onion rings), and my calories have been under 1500. I've been focusing more on protien. When I get hungry, eating greek yogurt or chicken salad instead of carbs.

My PCP ordered the full metabolic panel blood work for me. Next Wednesday, September 25,  is my six month Bandiversary. I get my blood drawn on Friday--and will get the results at my appointment next Wednesday morning. Wednesday afternoon, I go to the surgeon for my check up and (fingers crossed) fill. Tomorrow, I go for my annual lady-bits appointment. Woot.  Busy Busy!

Nothing much else to report on here. I ran into the guy that came and did a class on exercise for the bariatric classes yesterday. He was at the wellness fair. He hooked me up with a free month at the fitness company he works for to try it out--and told me to call him when I was ready to join and he would get me a good deal. So, it's a possible--it's a good fitness company--just there aren't any convenient locations to my work or home. So we will see. He was super friendly and supportive because he was a 'makeover' story himself--he lost over 100 lbs with diet and exercise, and now he's a fitness instructor and works for the company in their corporate offices.

So my goal is to try to get more walking in the rest of the week--to meet my 10 miles a week commitment, and to stay under 1500 calories a day (closer to 1300 if I can do it).

Happy Hump Day!  

What's life without challenges?

Yesterday, I started the day off so awesomely! I had goals! I had ambitions!

I sorta cracked (a little) last night. My bus to get home never showed up! I waited over an hour and then waited some more. The ELB had the car and was about 2 hours away. He was coming to get me, but it would take a while.

So I walked to the mall. And I walked around stores and I waited for him to come. And then we had dinner, because at this point, it had been over 8 hours and I was STARVING. So I did good--I ordered the bunless burger and then added mushrooms, onions, peppers, and some jalapenos. And then I get the onion rings. Hand battered, made to order. I caved--it was hunger that did it. And the first one tasted oh so delicious--and each one thereafter tasted less awesome. It was only 1/2 an order (so about 7 total), but by #7, I was disappointed. Disappointed in myself for being such an easy pushover for bad foods, disappointed that they still didn't taste as awesome at the end, disappointed that I wasted a bunch of calories on them when I was perfectly happy with my burger.

Even with the onoin ring indiscretion, I was still UNDER 1500 for the day (1377 total), and I did get alot of walking in. Do I regret getting them? Yes, in a way--but on the other hand,--No, I don't. If anything, it will serve as a reminder the next time I'm tempted to cave that it's not worth it in the end.

On another note, I've gotten kind of swept up in the Greek Yogurt mixed with SF pudding craze. I got this from Karla over at Daily Thoughts. Take one large container (30oz) of Greek 0% yogurt (I like Fage, but actually picked up some Chobani to use for this because it was on sale) and a packet of SF jello pudding (pick the flavor you like!). Mix it all together and eat it. The first time I tried it, I used Pistachio pudding, and then I added some chopped pistachios for texture. It was awesome. Last night, I used Chocolate to make it--and I mixed in a sprinkle of mini Tollhouse chocolate chips. The next one I make will be the cheesecake flavor! It makes quite a few servings--and the pudding adds flavor without alot of extra calories and sugar (although I did add some sugar with the chocolate chips).

It's a new day....A beautiful gorgeous day!

I know I've said it before--and I'll probably say it again and again and again...I am going to get back on track.

I got up this morning, and decided that I am going to stick to the plan. I am going to stay under my calories--and maybe even start weaning myself down from 1500 to closer to 1200. I am going to do my best to control my porition sizes. I will be asking for a small bump fill this month at my appointment next week. I am HUNGRY all the time, it seems like. I sit and snack and eat junk that I have no business eating. Even when I'm NOT hungry--bad habits have snuck back into my life and I didn't even KNOW it!

My company is starting a month long walking challenge, starting today. I registered and I have my pedometer. The goal isn't that hard--1 mile a day, 5 days a week. I do that anyways, with my daily morning walk. So I set my own goal for me this month--try to do a minimum of 2 miles a day, 5 days a week. So, 10 miles a week in 7 days. That should totally be accomplishable!

I did 1.5 miles this morning! And I still have ALL DAY to get more walking in. I can walk at lunch, and I already know that I'm taking the bus home tonight which means another .75 miles! I'm already on the right track! And I'm having my Unjury iced coffee (180 calories) for breakfast. I'm going to try to not eat solid for breakfast--just stick with the coffee this week to see if it makes a difference. I'm still getting protien (28 with using Silk). I've got my journal and I will write everything that goes into my mouth in the book.

I'm still afraid that I will still be showing a gain next week when I go for my check in--but it is what it is.I'm not going to let it deter me. I am the one that is responsible for what success or failure that I have. Noone else can control what goes into my mouth except for me. And I am going to make better choices. Starting today.

Mobile post....recipe

I made a quinoa salad tonight.

Cook one cup of quinoa per package instructions. Use water instead of broth and reduce by about1/4 cup. I usually add a pinch of salt. When done, spread on a plate and put in fridge to cool.

Chop up 1 cup of assorted veggies. I used carrots, celery, vidalia onion, red/orange/yellow bell peppers, and some deseeded cucumber.

When the quinoa is cool, toss in a bowl with the veggies. I used about 2 TBSP of Hendricksons original sweet vinegar dressing. It was delicious. And you can change the veggies and the dressing to suit your tastes. I also tossed in some chopped grilled chicken but it was better without it.

Sorry about the shadow in the pic.

Unrecognizable

un·rec·og·niz·a·ble

ˌənˌrekigˈnīzəbəl/

adjective

adjective: unrecognizable; adjective: unrecognisable

1. 1.

   not able to be recognized or identified.

   synonyms:

   unidentifiable, unknowable; More

   un·rec·og·niz·a·ble

 

Yesterday afternoon, I had to go offsite for work. I go to this particular location once a month. My work friend there has been so happy for me and my continued weight loss progress.

While I was doing my presentation, one of the female executives who I run into on occasion asked my work friend who was in the room doing the presentation. My friend was like, that's Luka. And the exec was like, Luka from Corporate? And my friend was like, yeah. And the exec was like, I didn't even recognize her! She looks so different!

And apparently, that wasn't the only person to make an inquiry of my work friend about me. Another woman that I see every month asked my work friend if I was "ok" because I had lost so much weight. She was concerned. I don't see having lost 60ish pounds in a year as unhealthy or excessive, but whatev's. At least it was friendly concern!

It's just weird that all of a sudden, people are beginning to notice. It has taken 60+ pounds for people to notice that I've lost weight. I think part of it is changing my hair. People notice that something is different, but they don't know what--so they latch onto the hair, because that's the most obvious thing they notice.

Anyways, it's a bit of a NSV for this week!


  

Last night....

Was AMAZING!

I am SO glad that we made the time to catch up. I forgot how important these women have been in my journey. We spent six months together (once a week, plus the required support groups), and we formed friendships.

Yesterday, as much as I wanted to go and see them, I also just felt like going home instead. I am tired. The weather is freak-nasty hot and humid. I had a late lunch. I was just feeling 'blah'. But the ELB knows just what to say to keep me motivated.

Text with ELB yesterday afternoon:
Me: I wish I could come home to you. Miss you oodles.
ELB: Miss you, too. But tonight is important. You can't see how far you've come if you don't take time to look back.
Me: I know. But sometimes it doesn't feel like I've made any progress.
ELB: I'm very proud of you. More than you'll ever know.
Me: Really?
ELB: YES!

So I went. And I am so glad that I did. I wasn't super hungry since I had a later than usual lunch, so I ordered French Onion Soup and some roasted garlic tomatos. The tomatos went home. The soup was delicious.

We talked for over two hours. We shared experiences, stories, and we laughed about things we've discovered about ourselves. And reforged the bonds, and will be doing this more often in the future.

One of the girls at dinner told us that the nurse at the surgeons office (who also helped run the weekly classes) made the comment to her the last time she was in that she had never seen a group of people form bonds in the class like she saw us do. That most people come to the classes, and keep to themselves, and never interract with each other. But she saw us form friendships, and saw us talk and interract and support each other for six months. And to know that we still keep in touch and are being supportive is great.

So even though I have chosen to not tell pretty much everyone in my world about my surgery, there are people I have as a support system who are here with me. The ELB, and my BBF's (bariatric best friends), and of course, all of you who are also on your own journeys. If I knew you in person, I know that we would get along great! 

I feel better knowing that I am not alone in this. Thank you.

Always remember today

I know exactly where I was and what I was doing 12 years ago today when I heard on the radio about the first plane hitting the towers. I went to the conference room at my office, and turned on the TV, and with my coworkers standing behind me, we watched the second plane hit the towers. It's so weird how every year on this day, I flashback and remember. And it makes me cry. I sometimes wonder if they remember it the same as I do.

I know exactly where I was 10 years ago today. I was sitting at a Federal Courthouse in Detroit, waiting to be called for jury duty. On the two year anniversary of the event, the city of Detroit (home to the largest Arabic population outside of the Middle East), tensions were high. People were wary. And I was in the middle of downtown, confined to a tiny room with an assortment of characters.

One year ago today, I know where I was and what I was doing. I was at my first class of my six month waiting period for bariatric surgery. This was the start of my journey. Tonight, I am meeting with three of the girls that I met on that first night, one year ago today, for all of us to catch up on our own journeys. We chose different paths to get to where we are. All of us had our surgery of choice (two Bands, two RNY), but we keep in touch with email. This will be the first time that I've seen them since they had their surgeries (I visited them all when they were in the hospital).

I'm excited to see them and catch up. I'm excited to see how much progress they've made (significantly more than me--but I chose the slower road on purpose), knowing that I'll be right behind them--the slow and steady turtle, trudging along.

I'm also happy that even though today is typically a day filled with grief and sadness, that I have a positive event to now associate with this day. We made a pact that we would keep in touch, and get together. Next spring, we have talked about taking a girls weekend to celebrate the one year anniversary of our surgery dates.

September 11, 2012, was the first day of the rest of my life. 

lazy butt

Last night, I had every intention of going home and working out on the elliptical. I did my morning walk, but forgot that I had lunch plans with friends and didn't get a midday walk in. But what did I do instead? I walked through the door, saw the the ELB had the bunny hanging out on the couch with him, and sat down and proceeded to get some bunnylove. Sigh.

I then ate too much leftover turkey spaghetti, waited (im)patiently for Dome (stupid tennis pushed everything back!), and then went to bed.

I got my walk on this morning (six laps!), stuck to plan so far (except I did have one of those mini bags of Utz chips with my chicken salad and raw veggies), been trying to get my water in.

The ELB and I are going to a class at the dealership where we bought our Prius to find out more about how to get the most out of your hybrid. The only bad thing is, we have to drive to Northern VA---during rush hour. But we are hoping the class will be super informative and help us to milk the most miles we can per gallon. We are doing awesome and pretty much averaging 49-52 per gallon.  Let me tell you, it is a HUGE change in trips to the gas station. Right now, it takes about $30 to fill the tank on the Prius. And we get about 450 miles from that. On my Equinox, a fill up averaged around $45, and we got 250 miles to the tank. So I was filling up about every 4-5 days. Of course, the difference in gas use is going to be applied to the higher car payment (gasp!), but I'm hoping that some day, the price of gas will come back down, and we will be sitting pretty! A girl can hope, right?

So, other than it being a Tuesday, that's about it in my world.

my weekend....

Was ok!

Since I've gotten older, I think I've turned into a bit of a homebody. I like to spend time at home, especially after being at work all week.

The ELB had to work on Friday/Saturday at a volleyball tournament, so I was left to my own devices.

Friday night, I used the leftover brown rice/veggies and some of the roast beef to make a quick fried rice dish. Basically, I just heated it all up in a pan, scrambled an egg into it, and then added some soy sauce. I didn't get stuck, but it did fill me up pretty quick. I fell asleep on the couch at 7:45, and woke up at 10. Then fell asleep on the couch again at 12 and woke up at 2 a.m. Went to bed, and had to get the ELB up by 8 for him to head out. I had a migrain all day Saturday. I ordered Papa Johns for dinner for the ELB, and I had two slices of pizza and some of the cheese bread. He ate the rest over Friday/Saturday. Yay me!

On Saturday, I used the turkey burger I had cooked previously to make a turkey taco bowl. Turkey burger, 1/2 pack of taco seasoning, can of pinto beans (rinsed). Heated it all up together, and then topped with some pepper jack cheese and a dollop of Fage 0% greek yogurt. It made three 1-cup servings.

Sunday, we rode out to Lancaster to the outlet malls. I had to exchange a pair of shoes I had gotten last month because they were falling apart after two weeks of wear. We hit a few other stores, came home remarkably empty handed (did two even exchanges, I bought a gift for my party on Wednesday, and a box of cereal at Target). Dinner was turkey spaghetti made with the remainder of the cooked turkey burger and whole wheat pasta. I had one serving and the rest will be dinner tonight, and maybe dinner tomorrow night.

So, in my life before LapBand, I loved cereal. Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds, to be exact. I have not had this in probably a year. The past few weeks, I have gone into the kitchen looking for cereal and milk--and of course, since the ELB doesn't eat cereal or milk--I don't have any cereal--although I do drink alot of Silk with my daily coffee.

I bought a box of my HBOA, but I'm almost afraid to try it. I'm learning what I can and cannot eat lately which gives me some food anxiety because I don't want to get stuck.

Is cereal a good idea or bad idea?

surviving today...

It's Friday. That's about the ONLY redeeming thing about today.

I'm tired.  Drained really.  Aunt Flow has been kicking my butt this week. I haven't gotten enough sleep. I just want to get home, put on comfy clothes, and cry. A good long deep cry to just drain out all of this stress and anxiety and negativity. I'm a big believer in the cleansing cry. Sometimes, a girl's just gotta get it out.

In addition, I've had some meunstral related restriction. Things that I have gotten stuck on this week (resulting in sliming but not PB):
--my breakfast sandwich
--roast beef (from the crockpot--first beef other than hamburger I've tried since surgery)
--brown rice (I tried it b/c I wanted it with roast beef)
--mashed potatos (tried a bite--bad idea)
--ground turkey burger
--kings hawiaan roll

I'm not complaining, because I needed a reminder that Donny was in there....but combined with my monthly time, along with a tummy bug going around the office--this week has been crap.

I started getting a touch of the tummy bug on Tuesday. Weird rumbly tummy, some light nausa. So I did something bad. Forgive me, sisters, for I have sinned. I committed the cardinal sin of LapBand.  I drank Coke. Not diet coke. I drank full on hardcore loaded with sugar CocaCola. Not alot--maybe about 8 oz over a cup full of ice that I sipped on for about two hours.  I have not had soda since February. I have heeded the 'no carbonation' rule. I didn't have any issues with it--and it settled my tummy right away. I do NOT plan on making a habit of this, but I survived it.

The only positive is that I have been pounding out some walking. I walk in the morning. I walk at lunch. I walk home from the bus stop. I walk around stores (Sams, Target). My toe is healing nicely. The ELB is working tonight and tomorrow at a tournament, so I'm on my own for most of the weekend. I hope that I'm motivated enough to at least get the laundry done.

Hope you guys have a great weekend!

On being in love

Hollee wrote a post about the little things. I think the girl has been bitten by the love bug.

There is nothing better in this world than being with someone who loves you unconditionally, can make you laugh and smile and want to be a better person. I never thought I would find that. And the older I got, the more I was certain that I would be alone forever.

I met the ELB on the downward slope of my 30th year. He had just turned 27. Until him, I had dated casually, but I had never been in a long term relationship. I had never been 'in love'. My ideas of love were probably romanticized by my parents and their marriage. I wanted the same thing for me. I wanted to fall in love one time, with one person, forever. But the longer it took, the more scared I was of being alone.

When we first started dating, I turned into a grinning fool. I was so happy to be around him that I just didn't know how to express it. I would get so excited to see him that I would RUN to the door when he knocked just to throw myself into his arms. I wanted to be touching him all the time...holding his hand, sitting smack dab next to him on the couch, my hand on his leg in the car.

I'm so lucky that I found my soul mate and my best friend. We are inseparable. He is my rock, and without him, I honestly don't know how I would have survived the past few years. It's not unicorns farting rainbows all the time. We disagree, we get passive aggressive...but in the end, we always make up and life goes on. There is no other man that I would want to spend the rest of my life with (because there is no such thing as divorce in my vocabulary), so he knows that he's stuck with me once we finally make it official.

Even after being together as long as we have (it will be 7 years in March!), I am STILL twitterpated with him. He makes me smile. He makes me happy. He makes me complete.

The first step is the hardest

I am recommiting to eating right, starting today.

Today, I am determined to stay UNDER 1500 calories. I know that I can do this. The hardest part is telling myself "NO". I ran an errand at lunch, and on the way back, I was thinking, I am SO hungry--I should just run through the drive thru at (insert fast food place here). I can get something small that wouldn't put me over today. It will be okay.

Thankfully, the ELB was driving and took me right back to my office, no stops allowed. I love that man. I told him when I started this journey that there would be times that I need him to be my voice of reason. That he will have to be strong enough to tell me no. That as much as he would hate it, I would depend on him to help me stay on track. He knows that I want to be successful, and he knows that I have to make alot of sacrifices to reach that goal. But he's in it with me, and that's all that matters.

So, I'm back at work, and still hungry. I usually do awesome at work, but this morning was thrown off because I forgot my Silk for my protien iced coffee, so I didn't get that extra protien boost this morning that I normally would have. Instead, I had to settle for iced tea and a breakfast sandwich. Probably why I've been hungrier than usual today.

Here's to getting through the rest of the day without eating my own hand!

Feeling fat and bloated

After no exercise all weekend, I feel fat and bloated.

Although I hate going back to work after a holiday weekend, I'm glad I'm back to work and back on schedule tomorrow. I'm hoping that I can wear my tennis shoes tomorrow so that I can get my walk in the morning.

I need to buckle down and get back on track with eating right. I need to lose the weight I gained and hopeully a few pounds more by September 25.

I know what I need to do. I know what works. Its just a matter of actually doing it.