#epicfail

Getting unfilled was awesome and horrible at the same time.

I can eat and drink without any issues. No PB episodes. No reflux. I have a cold and I'm not so tight that nothing goes down and water comes back up.

The bad part is that I can eat and drink without any issues. It's like I'm wide open there, even though I'm still half filled. This has led to me pack on weight like I'm going to hibernate for the winter.

Since April, I have regained 47lbs. That is alot of hard work that has been thrown away on my part. I'm disappointed in myself. Embarrassed, even, that I've let this get out of control.

I am still working out 2- 3x a week. I still make good food choices...most of the time. Am I perfect? No, but then again I never was. But I'm not living on milkshakes and sliders. I eat real food, and that sometimes involves gravy or rolls... But not every meal.

So Monday, I made a decision to buckle down. To be more aware of what I eat, and when I eat (I've gotten bad about eating at night after 9pm). 

I'm tracking in MFP. I'm doing my best to get to the gym when I can. I'm drinking more water and eating less chocolate. I've switched back to diet soda from regular soda.

And I started a challenge with three coworkers to get through the holidays, and hopefully be lower than when I started. Let's see how this goes! 

Unfilled and feeling pretty good!

I got a small unfill last week--0.5 cc out of my "confirmed" 10cc band. Now I'm sitting right at 5cc--or half full.  What a huge difference!

I can drink water like nobody's business! It's amazing--I was relying on soda just to help me eat--and now I can drink water again I feel so much better! I can eat without issues--no PB or stuck issues. And I've cut my soda back to like one time a day for caffeine purposes.

I've noticed that I feel less hungry, if that's even possible. I'm not eating all day. Meals seem to keep me satisfied for hours, so that sometimes I need to remind myself to eat. I'm able to make healthier choices like salad without fear of issues. I haven't been to the gym since the unfill (aunt flow was visiting), but I have double Zumba and kick boxing tonight.

I will admit a small binge on Halloween candy this week, but that's over BC I ate it all and now it's gone.

Right now I'm focusing on the basics. I'm tracking calories (under 2000 per day), working on my water, and will go back to the gym at least three days per week. I need to try to add more exercise, but I'll work on that moving forward (maybe try to add back my daily lunch walk when I have time to take lunch).

I have an appt to get a refill in February, but I'm really hoping that this works and I can see progress.

Planning an unfill

I'm still battling the snot-monster. It's never ending, it seems like. I do everything that I'm supposed to be doing per my ENT, but it doesn't seem to be enough. Twice daily saline flushes, Claritin, plus weekly allergy shots. But I usually wake up choking on snot, and relying on Coke to dissolve the snot so that I can eat and drink.

So Wednesday, I'm going to ask for a small unfill to see if it alleviates some of the issues I'm still having. Plus, this is the  season when the ELB and I gear up our travel (Detroit, Myrtle Beach, and Alabama on the schedule for the next three months), and I would prefer to not have any emergency issues on the road.

Fingers crossed that it helps.

Donny is a real...piece of work

So, Donny has been really persnickety lately. It doesn't help that Ive had alot of sinus issues with drainage. That's beside the point.

For the past six weeks or so, Donny has been to the point that I need to drink soda in order to break up the snot so that I can actually eat anything and get it through my band. I know, I know, don't lecture me about soda.

I've also been having night coughs again because the sinus drainage at night backs up and won't go down. It's not acidic, it's just hot watery snot.

Three days ago, I told the ELB that i might get a small unfill at the end of the month. Like .25 or even .5. Right now, I supposedly have 5.5 in a 14 cc band, but I really think that it's 5.5 in a 10cc band BC I think my surgeon got mixed up. Either way, I'm not too tight, and before the sinus issues and infection, I was doing awesome at this restriction.

Since my unfill comment, Donny has been AMAZING. She's got restriction, but not so much that I'm having PB. I can drink water again. I'm feeling satisfied, and the night coughs are lessening.

What's up with that? I didn't think that my band was capable of independent thought, but apparently she is.

I'll see how things go through the end if the month and see where things stand before I make any fill/unfill decisions.

I don't know why I have so much trouble with my band. I see so many other people who have had successful weightloss with their bands, and I haven't. I get frustrated that I'm only a few sizes down from where I started, and I'm still wearing a 26/28. I really thought that I would be a success story, but I guess that's not meant for me to be.

Anyways, I'm still here. I'm still plodding along. I'm exercising, and trying to eat healthy, and still wanting to have a baby but I wanted to be less heavy before that, but now my biological clock keeps reminding me that I'm 39, and time is running out. And I'm nowhere ready physically or financially for a baby.... Even though I want one. Sigh.

Sometimes I really feel like I missed out on the life I was supposed to have because of my weight. But then again, my weight had given me the life that I have. So I guess it's not all bad. I have a man that loves me and wants to be with me and has been with me for almost 10 years. I'm pretty accomplished in my chosen field, which I've worked hard to get to because I've had to fight the weight stigna, so I worked harder in school and in certifying so that I would be more marketable. I have some terrific friends that I never would have met if not for this lapband. I just wish that I had been able to do more with it, and to be a weight that I'm not so ashamed of.

Wow, i suck at blogging

So, it's been a while. How y'all doing?

I'm hanging in there. I've been sick...again. I have a sinus infection that moved into both my ears. That has been horrible to deal with. Like, Vicodin horrible. Plus all the drainage and Donny tightening up on me.... It's been a struggle. I slept 15 hours from Friday into Saturday.

I had to cancel my fill appt because at the time I had so much irritation I was actually having PB episodes again, which scares me. So I moved that to November with the hope that going to the gym more will help me to relose what I've gained.

Work has been nuts lately--long hours, employee issues, firing and hiring, and essentially being overwhelmed. I love my field, and yes, daresay most days I love my job. It's just turned into a high stress position recently.

So that's all that's going on in my world. The ELB is good. I'm getting better. Just looking forward to fall.

Uggh

Heading to Virginia for my mom's annual memorial. I hate this trip. Third year in a row and it doesn't get easier.

I ate meat

Omg I didn't realize how much I missed meat! I had some chicken yesterday for the first time in two monthes... And I did fine.

I'm don't think that I'm going to go back to eating meat all the time. I really like alot of the vegetarian and vegan foods that I've been eating, so I think that I'm going to try to do a more plant based diet with the occasional meat addition.

If nothing else, I proved that I can do it.

On being vegetarian

I'm still doing the vegetarian plan.... It's been since June 8, and I've stuck with it.

I made it through my period. And now it's been almost 6 weeks. And this is what I've learned:

1. Not all restaurants are vegetarian friendly.

2. It's very easy to be lazy and slip into making poor food choices.

3. I'm really glad that I can still eat cheese, but eggs do not like me at all.

4. Eating vegetarian is more expensive because you have to buy alot more fresh fruits and vegetables.

5. I'm still very very gassy, even this far in.

This past week, I had two work lunches. One to view a room and menu for the holiday party in December, and the other was a working lunch for management. The holiday party venue was a very nice upscale chain restaurant that is known for their seafood. Unfortunately, there is not a single vegetarian option on their menu. However, they were very nice and modified a pasta dish for me.

The work lunch was ordered in, and my only vegetarian option was a grilled cheese sandwich--mainly because I didn't want pasta two days in a row. See what I mean about making good choices? It's very hard sometimes, especially when your choices are limited. We will be having our holiday party at that location, and l have to figure out what I get to eat since every entree ordered for the dinner contains beef, chicken, or seafood.

With going to the gym more, I'm not getting home until later at night... Sometime not till 8pm. Dinners have turned into convenience. Morningstar chipotle black bean burgers and buffalo 'chicken' patties are great and delicious, but boring after a while. But prep for meals takes time. Plus, I think I'm finally getting some restriction with my band, especially after a zumba/kickboxing night in which I work out for over 2.5 hours. By the time I get home, I'm starving, but I can't eat as much as I think I can.

I plan to try to stick with this meat free life for as long as I can. It's so much easier now than it was. I do feel healthier, and someone at work told me that my skin looked great and was glowing. I chalk it up to the daily chia seed pudding.

Happy Saturday, peeps!

Kickboxing queen

I've been struggling with weight gain lately... So I've decided to step things up a notch and have been taking kickboxing at the gym.

IKR... Me doing kickboxing? I had my doubts, too. But, OMG do I love love love it. I feel like such a badass!
And do you sweat! I come out drenched. Of course, I'm doing it right after Zumba most nights, but still, it's a total body workout.

I haven't gotten on the scale since the switch to vegetarian, so I don't know if it's making a difference yet. But I feel good when I'm done with class. And I think that going vegetarian means that I'm eating less... I'm at least making better choices, anyways. I have to drive past alot of food places on the way home from the gym, and I don't stop. I go home and fix my healthy dinner.

Happy Friday!

Feeling like a Lap-Band failure

I'm two years post op as of this past March, and I'm a failure.

As of today, I'm only down around 75 lbs from my starting high weight. I've had problems with my band. I was too tight for a year, and didn't know it. I've had to have two unfills in the past six months, including a full unfill after the stomach flu. I've gained so much weight back.  I was down 100 lbs at one point.

Now, I'm discouraged. I'm disappointed in myself. I know that every journey is different, and that I can't compare myself to others, but at two years out, I thought I'd be in distance of my goal... And I'm nowhere close.

I'm working to get back on track. I had my first refill the other week, and just now I'm starting to feel the slightest bit of resistance. I might call and schedule a second fill after my period. It just sucks because each fill costs me $325, and I have to meet the first $1500 out of pocket for my new insurance.

I'm also trying to be vegetarian for a while. It's been three weeks since I've eaten anything meat, but I still do dairy and cheese. However, don't think that I'm eating nothing but bread, cheese, and pasta...because I'm not. I know better than to carb load.

I'm frustrated because my surgeons office isn't really LapBand supportive. They are all about RNY and sleeve. When I got my band, I had the choice of RNY and Band because insurance did not cover sleeve procedures. And I think that RNY is scary and at least the band can be reversed. At least my new insurance will cover revision, if I ever get to that point.

I just want my band to work for me. I never set out on this journey to be skinny, only healthy. And in that respect, it's working.

My blood pressure is awesome, my Type II diabetes has disappeared, I'm not tired all the time, I don't have headaches all the time, and I can tie my own shoes. I can Zumba for an entire hour without a break, and that's AFTER doing a 30 minute warm up on the elliptical. I can do yoga. I am healthier than I was...I just wish the weight would come off.

I know that I don't eat perfect. But as hard as I work, I should see some progress, right?

Struggles

I got a fill on Friday, June 19. I went from 2.0cc to 5.5 cc. According to my surgeon, I have a 14cc band and not a 10 cc band. Irregardless, I feel nothing right now. It's weird because even last November when I had my first unfill, I was at 6.5cc and had been "too tight" for a year and had pretty much lived on ice cream, had coughing and vomiting every night, and got an upper respiratory infection from night vomit getting into my lungs that caused me to go on prednisone.

In April, when I got my second unfill, I was at 5.5 and so swollen and irritated that I couldn't drink water and lost 16lbs in 5 days from dehydration. And now... Nothing. It's like I still don't have a band.

My next appt is in August, but after my period, I might schedule another fill sooner. The only bad part is that my insurance changed and I have to pay for each fill out of pocket until I reach $1500 for the year. I assume each fill is about $300, so it's very intimidating and cost prohibitive.

In the meantime, I'm doing a vegetarian eating plan. Not quite vegan, but definitely vegetarian. I've been debating about eating fish, but it's been more than two weeks since I've eaten meat, and I'm actually doing pretty good. The ELB said that I'm past the bitchy phase now (meaning that I'm past the point that I would shank someone for a Whopper). And I've made a valiant effort to also give up soda.

The only drawback is how gassy I am....ALL the time. Might need to invest in some beano. Any suggestions on how to make a predominately vegetable diet less odoriferous?

Slowly making changes

I got my fitbit, and yesterday during Zumba, it went all crazy because I got 10k steps. By the time I finished and got home, I had over 15k steps logged. Yay me.

Yesterday, I also had a vegetarian day... Slowly working to to the 22day Revolution to go vegan. Other than some homemade pimento cheese, I was all veggies. I've done the same today. Baby steps.

I've gotten alot of the staples for the Revolution diet, and I'm debating the merits of starting before I get my fill on 6/19, or waiting till after. Either way, Im going to try out some of the recipes before hand. On the list is chia pudding. I'll let you know how it turns out!

I'm getting back on track, even though I'm not perfect. I'm feeling better, even though my next gym visit is postponed until next Wednesday due to the orioles in town.

Later gators!

To Fitbit or not to Fitbit... That is the question

I've had mixed feelings about fitbits. I want one.. I don't want one. I want one but only if it's the Charge. I don't care is it's a Charge. Will I use it? Our will it be another piece of failed technology?

Walmart has the Fitbit Flex in pink on sale for $79. I think I'm going to get it. I want to think it's going to motivate me to walk more and be active. Ive gained 26kbs in 6 weeks since my unfill. And no gym, either.

I feel fat and bloated and gross. My clothes don't feel right. I'm tired and grouchy. Yes, Aunt Flow is coming next week. And yes, I am working my way up to doing the 22day revolution plant based diet. And I'm hoping to get back to the gym soon...but I am going think that a piece of pink plastic is going to motivate me to do better. It's how my brain works.

In preparation for the 22 day challenge, I've been getting somewhat organized. I've been buying food storage containers, I'm making the shopping list and picking up things as I find them, and I'm shopping around. I found some of the staples at Big Lots, surprisingly. They carry Bobs Red Mill products like GF flour, rolled oats, milled flax seed, quonoa, and millett at less than Whole Foods prices. I also picked up the powdered seasoning like curry, turmeric, parsley leaves, and garlic for $1 each.

There are some things that will require a visit to Trader Joes and Whole Foods....but not before I check Walmart first...and Aldi, too, for canned things. 

I'm preparing to do this mentally, so that I'm ready to do this physically.

I'll let you know when I'm ready to start.

Back in B'more

After a trip to SC this weekend, we are back in Baltimore.

Yesterday was brutal. I had two job interviews yesterday... 9am in Columbia, then at 3pm in Charleston. Then the ELB drove 12 hours home so that I could sleep. We got in at 6am this morning. I went to bed at 6:15, then got up at 7:15 to shower and head to work.

I feel pretty good about the Charleston interview. The Columbia one seemed too rushed. Going down, I felt the opposite of what I feel now. Either way, if it's meant to be, it will be. The job will come, and the move will follow.

I'm one tired girl today. But one thing I do know is that after work today, I'm ready for a change. I'm ready to move. I'm ready for a new start in a new city.

Ch...ch...ch...changes

The ELB and I, while on vacation the other year, commented that it would be really great if we could move to SC, and live there all the time.

And I think that it might actually happen.

Next Monday, I have TWO interviews in SC..on the same day...in two different cities... And I have to be at work at my real job in Baltimore on Tuesday morning.

So, internet peeps... Please send some positive thoughts my way as I try to make the next step of my life a reality. It will be a rough turn around. The ELB will drive all night so that I can sleep and not be a total washout at work on Tuesday.

I'm being positive. I have faith that if either of these jobs is the right one for me, then things will work out. If not, then I will keep trying.

Mentally, I'm ready. Bring it on.

City life

I'm sure that you've all seen the craziness that has been Baltimore the past week. The marches. The riots. The looting. The violence.

This had been our life for a week. As residents of the city, we are living  daily with fear of property damage. Of whether we can get home at night. Of whether our car will be there in the morning.

But until Saturday, this was a minor inconvenience... Then things escalated. There were peaceful marches that disrupted traffic. And then there came the full fledged riots.

Tonight, there are riots, and fires, and looting. Police officers are being attacked. Cars are being burned.

My boss sent me home early, concerned for my and another coworkers safety. I got home before everything really got bad with traffic. The ELB and I are barricaded in our house, for lack of better words.

We are watching the news. And we are concerned. The crowds are growing outside. And it's only a few blocks from our house in this city that we have chosen to call our home.

Complete unfill

So this is what went down this past week:

Monday, I noticed that I was having more restriction than normal. I had trouble with cream of wheat at breakfast, and soup at lunch. I ate dinner without any issues. I chalked it up to my impending aunt flow visit. I stepped on the scale and it was exactly 349.0.

Tuesday, nothing stayed down. Hot tea didn't help. Water was a fail. Still not worried, it happens on occasion. I figured by dinner, I would be fine... But I wasn't. Went to bed, tired, hungry, and thirsty fighting a migraine the size if Texas.

Wednesday, I woke up with the migraine, plus my teeth hurt from clenching them against the pain. Every attempt to eat or drink was meet with resistance. I resorted to sliders just to get something Anything down. Ice cream, Powerade Zero... Nothing would go through. And now I have pain. Everything in came right back out.

Thursday, I hurt all over. My head was now the size is the entire continent of Europe. My stomach hurt from throwing up. I wasn't able to sleep because I was vomiting in my sleep... So I sat up on the couch all night with a bottle. I called my surgeon from work, and they couldn't see me until Friday unless I went to the ER. They told me to get 4 oz of fluid and hour... Which I did, but then it would come back up tinged with blood. I was worked in on the schedule for Friday.

Friday, I felt like death, but I had a conference for work that I had to go to. So I made myself shower and go... I ate ice chips and sipped Powerade Zero. I threw up twice. I didn't trust myself to drive, so the ELB drove me... Which I was OK with because I didn't want to go to the doctor alone.  I left at 10:30 to get to my surgeon. I had to wait two hours to be seen, every minute agony. I stepped on the scale and it said 332.8. I lost 16 lbs from dehydration, and my surgeon wanted to give me an IV. I just wanted to leave.

So now I am at home working on rehydration. Liquids and softs. Lots of water, but I really want a diet Pepsi loaded with ice. I had some mashed potatoes, but I'm afraid to try anything else.

Two months to keep myself on track, heal my stomach, and hopefully not regain a ton of weight. My insurance is changing, so I don't know if my new plan will provide any coverage for bariatric services.

Either way, I will deal with it as it comes.

Happy Saturday.

Tight for no reason

I read LapBandGals blog about breaking her band. I had to laugh because I think that almost EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

When I was taking the class leading up to getting Donny installed, another girl who was planning to get a band asked all kinds of ridiculous questions like: can you knock it lose with extreme physical activity? She was making a very thinly veiled reference to sex in order to see if she could embarass the older ladies who teach the classes. But we were assured that this could not happen.

Sometimes I wonder, though, especially after a high intensity Zumba workout with alot of jumping, if perhaps this can mess up your band? I know it's hard to eat sometimes after a workout... Even just drinking water is hard. But the next day is usually fine. Usually.

Anyways, today I'm struggling. I struggled yesterday. Not sure why I'm having massive restriction this week unless it's a combo of weather, allergies, and pending aunt flow. I PB'd everything all day long yesterday until dinner when I was able to eat and keep down food. This morning, even my 1/2 cup of coffee is having trouble. W.T.F.

I have an appt with my surgeon for my annual checkup on April 22, so fingers crossed this isn't anything serious.

Two steps forward....and one step back

Seriously, sometimes I don't understand my body.

I weighed this morning, and I was not happy with the number. Then I remembered that I am wearing way heavier clothes today than I was last week.... But I'm sure that there is still probably a gain in there. Not thinking about today being scale day, I wore corduroy pants with a sweater. Last week I wore lighter dress pants and a summer weight top. But I'm staying accountable, and I updated the ticker.

I've been slacking on my water drinking this past weekend, which might also have influenced the scale. Lesson learned.

Oh, I was also a bad bander and ate out 4x this weekend... But I accounted for all of it with MFP.

Friday--3/4 of a bacon cheeseburger from 5 Guys
Saturday--chips and salsa and enchilada soup from Chilis for lunch. Dinner was vegan white bean soup and some cheesy pretzel bread.
Sunday--grande Caramel Macchiato with soy from starbucks followed by broccoli cheese soup and baguette from Panera (and there may have also been a chocolate croissant and a toffee nut cookie consumed, also).

At least I said no to the cheesesteak dinner and instead had stir fry with brown rice pasta.

Baby steps, I know, but I could have totally just said screw it, I'm going to have a cheesesteak for dinner b/c I had blown the day.... But I didn't. And by making a healthier dinner choice, I only went over calories by 30.... Instead of 800. That is something I'm very proud of.

So happy Monday. Get back on that horse that you fell off of this weekend, tighten the reins, and start heading toward your goal. I'm going to be riding right along with you.

Weigh-in Monday

Weighing in yesterday, I was really discouraged. When the scale read 347.2, i was really really discouraged.

Then I realized that my starting weight was 354.0, and not 344.0. So instead of gaining 3.2 lbs, I lost 6.8.

So yeah, that was kind of awesome. I know that part of it was water weight from my period, but I'm very happy that I got the scale to move down.

Now to continue the trend.

MFP... Why did I wait so long?

In order to get back on track and break past the weightgain plateau I hit, I decided to go back to basic basics.

When I first started this journey, I was required to complete six months of education and nutrition classes. As part of the process, a nutritionist put everyone on a meal plan with daily calories to help with presurgical weightloss. My calorie total to stay under in October 2012 was 2000, and before surgery, I lost 40lbs from walking and following this plan.

Monday, I decided to start tracking my calories again. I exercise a lot, but I've been gaining weight. When I went to get out my trusty pen and pad, I couldn't find one.  Enter My Fitness Pal.

MFP told me that to lose 1lb per week, that I needed to eat less than 2460 calories. I thought I would die, because that surely couldn't be right. That number is way too high.

I lowered my number to 2000 to start, and I've done pretty good this week. I love that it tracks my exercise, also. I went over a little a few days, but not by much and not every day. I indulged last night in two slices of pizza, which ate up almost 800 calories of my day, but I accounted for it. If I bite it, I write it...er, enter it into the app, that is. It's been a struggle this week with my Aunt Flow visiting, so next week should be easier.

My favorite part that keeps me motivated the most is at the end of the day when you finish everything, it tells you, "If every day was like today, you will weigh _____ in five weeks".

I weighed myself last Monday morning to see where I was starting. You can see the starting weight listed on my ticker... 354. I am disappointed in myself for back sliding the way I have, but I'm going to work hard to be better. I plan to weigh every Monday for accountability.

My goal I'd like to meet is to lose 20 lbs by September. It will be difficult because once baseball season starts, my gym visits will be less frequent due to living in the city and the lack of parking. I just need to motivate myself to do more walking and elliptical.

So I'm starting over. It isn't the first time. I'm sure it won't be the last. The only thing that matters is that I keep trying.

3year anniversary

Three years ago today, my mom passed away.

Two years ago next week, I had my lap band surgery.

One year ago, I was struggling with a weight loss plateau.

Today, I'm still plateaued, but I went to the gym and had my ass kicked by one of the personal trainers who taught a cardio toning class instead of zumba. I got a hug from a gust of wind that slammed my car door shut, and reminded me that my mom is always with me. I had a milkshake and onion rings for dinner, because that was one of my mom's favorite meals.

I had a pretty good day today.

Starting again

I'm starting over tomorrow, with the help of my Facebook bander group. Going to do the best I can to stick with cutting out sugar and stick with high protein.

I'm debating about doing the preop diet that I did before surgery. I hit ketosis and lost 16lbs in two weeks. I just need to do a little prep and pick up some things this week to make it work. Fresh veggies, string cheese, sf jello and sf pudding. I already have plain Greek yogurt, eggs, and plenty of protein powder on hand.

I think this can work. I hope this can work. I know this can work. I have to make it work. I'm failing my band. I'm afraid to get on the scale but I need to do that so I can see how far I've got to make up for.

Slacker is my middle name

Work has been CRAZY this past week. Like, non-stop from 7:30-5 with no breaks. I even get so busy I forget to drink water or pee. Yeah, my job is awesome.

My boss was talking the express train to Crazy-town this week... One way, no stops...All Aboard!

The only thing that I've been good with is exercise. I've done zumba 4x this week... Although yesterday was a struggle. I really just wanted to go home and go to bed... But I didn't.

Funny story-- I walked into class last night, and immediately did a double take b/c the Tuesday instructor was setting up. In my head I'm screaming "FUUUUUUUUUUUCK... It's only Tuesday?!?!?".

So I calmly say to the instructor, " hey, ______. Please tell me it's not Tuesday ". And she was like, " No, it's Thursday. ______ is out sick." And I'm like, "thank GOD, because if it was only Tuesday, I was going to cry".

So I got my sweat on last night. Then made shirataki Fettuccini Alfredo for dinner.

I'm slacking on reading because I've been so busy, but I plan to finish " a Heartbreaking Work..." this weekend. On my queue after that is 1. Outlander 2. Not That Kind Of Girl.
I love free e-books from the public library.

I'm going out to lunch with one of my girls tomorrow. Our plans were cancelled last weekend due to inclement weather, so we plan to get out drink on, and eat our weight in chips and salsa.

Happy Friday all!

Grief comes calling...again

I started reading a book today, "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius". I've heard that this was a good book for a while, but haven't gotten around to reading it, until now.

And I think that I've made a huge mistake.

I know that this book will make me cry... Because I started tearing up three Kindle sized pages in.

So far, all I know is that this is a book about cancer. About a mom with cancer. And three pages in, it's a recounting of how it was for my mom at the end of her life. The constant spitting of noxious green bile from where the cancer had spread to her stomach, so vile that I gagged every time I had to empty the bin. The inability to move from her chair where she sat 24 hours a day. And now I'm consumed with memories. Thoughts that make me cry.

But now I have to finish it. I have to know what happens. And even though I'm highly emotional and hormonal with aunt flow slated to be here this week... Like some twisted sadistic addiction, I will continue to read this book until the end.

I have questions now. Questions about how other people deal with grief. How to deal with the pain, even though the pain isn't new. It will be three years next month since my mom passed.... But it's always hiding right there below the surface of my psyche. Grief is just waiting for a reason to rear its head and steal my breath and leave me empty.

Lust

We all have that one thing we lust over. A person. A new pair of shoes. That perfect bag. A food.

I have a mistress... And her name is butter. Sweet cream salted butter. And I'm addicted.

Is it's edible, I want to put butter on it. Its reckless, and crazy, and forbidden. Butter is terrible for you (but tastes so good).

Then I heard about something that was on DR. OZ (I didn't watch the show b/c I work), but apparently it's OK to put BUTTER in your coffee. Come again?!?!?

First of all.... EWWWW. Why would you do that? Second, maybe butter isn't so bad for you after all?

I'm confused. So I'll eat butter... in moderation, of course. And go on with life, right?

The struggle is real

I'm suffering from "white girl problems".

I have a job that I love... But a nut-ball crazy boss that makes its difficult for me to love my job.

I'm tired of city life, and I really want to move out of the city and buy a house, but I can't afford to buy in any decent areas... Ironically, I make " too much" to qualify for any of the first-time home buyers assistance programs.

I want to move to South Carolina, which is why I've put the home buying on hold... But trying to job search from another state is difficult.

I have a LapBand to help me lose weight... But I love to eat the kinds of food that I shouldn't.

I go to a gym that I love... But tendonitis that continues to persist in my elbow limits my workouts to zumba only, which means I'm missing out on weight training and yoga.

I just stepped off a curb weird and tweaked my ankle... And now I'm afraid it will keep me from the gym.

See, its just a big old pity party for Luka Beth up in here today.

I just need to focus on my job and making good food choices and exercise... The things I CAN control.

And the rest I need to have faith and give to God to work on for me. I'm a big believer of "if it's meant to be, it will be". I just have to have faith that whatever happens is what is destined for me at this time in my life at this time... But I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for South Carolina!

So if anyone knows anyone in Columbia/Charleston/Conway, SC looking for a kick-ass HR professional with a BS, MBA, and PHR cert with over 12 years experience in both health care and manufacturing, let me know. ;-).

What? There's nothing wrong with helping God out just a little, right?

Exhausted

This week has LITERALLY kicked my ass. Long days at work, early mornings, late nights where I haven't been home before 10pm all week... And i still found time to go to the gym for zumba three times.

There has been snow and sleet and ice storms. There has been never ending meetings, day long strategic planning sessions, redo and redo of forms and reference books. For every step forward, I get pushed back 12.

Mentally, I'm done. I'm exhausted. Sleep deprived. And there is still one more day to get through.

Hormones, and weather, and sinus infection...oh my!

This week will be interesting with Donny. It's cold and rainy, aunt flow is on the horizon, and I'm sick. All of them on their own is enough to tighten Donny up, but now it's the LapBand Trifecta.

I can already feel the tightening start. My little pouch is full of sinus drainage. I'm not hungry AT ALL, even though the 1/2 cup of maple macadamia ice cream tasted pretty nice.

I bought stuff to make my noodle free veggie lasagna this weekend, and never even tried. I layed out my spaghetti squash to thaw, but that was as far as I got. Might just have that with some marinara tonight.

I have vegetable beef soup to eat that I made last week, and i've barely touched it. My freezer is full of soups and stews that were made but not eaten. Seriously, it's packed.

I have a problem that alot of WLS peeps tend to have... The inability to cook in portion appropriate sizes. I don't know how to make just a little bit of something, I only know how to make big mamma-jamma amounts. Don't get me wrong, I'm alot better than I used to be with this, but it's still a constant struggle, hence the massive amounts of food in the freezer.

I grew up in the country on a farm, where portions were big and seconds were encouraged. Healthy appetite = healthy kids. Showing love was done with food. In reality, it just encouraged a lifetime of overeating... And it's something that's been a constant struggle for me, even with my Band.

Unfortunately, the Band doesn't shut up the voices in my head. The voices that say, "that's not enough to leave for another meal, you should just finish it now", or " you Deserve that ________, because you worked hard today ", or my favorite, " I'm stressed so its OK to have _____ to make me feel better ". Aren't we all a little guilty of those?

That is my battle, and my burden to bear. It's also the reason that I probably haven't been as successful with my Band, and I'll be hitting my two year bandiversary in March.

But I can still do this. I can still make it work. I've accomplished so much health wise that if I never lose another pound, I will still be happy with this choice.

I'm not giving up, and I'm not giving in. I'm recommitting to myself in 2015. I'm going to keep doing what I do right: exercise. And doing better at the things I need to improve: portion control, water, and tracking my food and protein intake.

And even though it's a real pain in the ass to write every blog post on my phone, I'm going to recommit to you. And I'm going to do better about holding myself accountable. I need to do that for me.

So even though it's a few weeks late, I'm embracing 2015 as my year of change. You are welcome to join me... The more the merrier!

Because...meh, there is no excuse.

I've been trying hard to get back on track. I bought alot of high protein snack options. I've been working out. I'm trying to drink more water. Every day is a battle.

But I must be doing something right....Two people in two days have told me that I looked like I was losing weight. I haven't checked the scale, but I might suck it up tomorrow, only because I need to update my ticker. My lowest weight at 327 was right before I started antibiotics and steroids for the upper respiratory infection  back in November.... And subsequent unfill. And subsequent weight gain. Sigh.

I haven't gotten a fill, because I still have restriction. I just need to stop eating. I am a compulsive overeater. It's my brain that won't shut up. It's constantly telling me I'm hungry, even when I think one more bite will make me puke.

On that note, I'm sharing a yummy recipe I made the other night. A few weeks ago, right before Christmas, I was on a Greek food kick... And I bought this huge block of feta from Sam's Club. Needless to say, I got off the Greek food kick and still had a huge block of feta left. I didn't want it to go bad, so I looked up some ideas for it. And voila... Baked feta! It was delicious. You just have to eat it fast BC feta will harden back up once it cools.

Ingredients: feta cheese, sriracha, olive oil, garlic powder.
Directions: place feta in baking dish (individual serving I used a mini pie pan!), drizzle with olive oil, sprinkle with garlic powder, and then slam on the sriracha. Put in oven and bake until the exposed cheese starts getting a little toasty brown.

I had this with the Crunchmaster 5grain crackers. Perfection.

Later gators. Work beckons.

I'm back!

It took 12 hours to get home to Baltimore in the rain and fog...but we did it. And we came back with more than we took with us. Believe me, our Prius was packed!

Between the two of us, we bought Five Pairs of shoes! Only three of them were for me, though. Two are for the gym, and the third is a pair of Birkenstock sandals for summer. Score!

The ELB came back with snacks and sodas that he doesn't get the rest of the year. I got Snuffles (see picture below). I couldn't leave him on the clearance aisle at Walmart--he needed to come home with us!

I have a lot of pictures of the beach, and got retweeted by the MB tourist twitter.  We went to two womens college basketball games (Coastal Carolina and University of South Carolina), a hockey game (Charleston Stingrays), walked the Market in Charleston, walked the Riverwalk in Columbia, walked the Myrtle Beach Boardwalk, walked the beach, walked the outlet mall, and walked the flea market.

Donny decided to make her presence known, so I had restriction ALL week. Not sure if this will mean a loss or not, because I drank alot of milkshakes. And we ate alot of Zaxbys and Cookout.

I will be surprised if I didn't gain 10 lbs when I weighin on Monday. But I get back to the gym Monday night for Zumba. Since I'm still healing from the tendonitis in my right elbow, weight training is out for the near future--so I'm going to try to step up my cardio the next few weeks.

Anyways, happy new year friends. I'm looking forward to an amazing 2015 with all of you!