I go for my (hopefully) second fill today.
Last night was bad. I have some swelling in my leg from my bum ankle, so I didn't walk. I probably should have sucked it up. Today, I'm not wearing the brace, and the ELB said we can start walking in the morning.
I ate over my calories yesterday. How many over, I don't know. I just haven't calculated everything out.
My dad called me last night to ask me what I'm doing July 5, because he's decided to get remarried that day. THAT just killed me. I cried. Alot. It's not that I don't want my dad to be happy. I do. I just think it's too soon. My mom passed away less than 18 months ago. He mentioned that he wanted to get remarried--but I thought that I had more time. I thought sometime next year. Maybe even Christmas. Not July.
I don't understand how you can love and be married to someone for almost 40 years--and then begin dating someone and get remarried so soon after losing them. I don't understand.
And I can't be there on July 5 because I have to work. And I'm angry that he has this whole new family. HER family. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough, so he found someone else with kids and they're better than me. They all live there. They are all involved in each others lives. I feel left out. And it makes me have self doubt. That maybe if I were thinnner or prettier then I would be good enough. And I know that it's not it at all--I know that my dad loves me the best way he knows how to. But my own issues skew my thinking.
I also feel that if he really wanted me to be there for him for his wedding, then he would have given me more notice. That he would have found a date that worked for everyone--and not just her family. It makes me feel like I don't really have a family any more. All of my grandparents are gone. My mom is gone. Now my dad is figuratively gone. My brother might as well be gone since he won't talk to me. I'm not close to my aunts or cousins. I actually feel like an orphan.
I wanted to stress eat. I ate one Little Debbie cloud cake (twinkie). And that was it. Then I went to bed and I slept so hard (because after I cry, I sleep).
I'm still emotional today. SUPER emotional. I'm crying right now writing this. And I HATE to cry.
I need to move past this. I need to accept this new phase of my life. I thank God every single day that I have the ELB in my life. This would be so much harder on my own.