Last night was bad. I have some swelling in my leg from my bum ankle, so I didn't walk. I probably should have sucked it up. Today, I'm not wearing the brace, and the ELB said we can start walking in the morning.
I ate over my calories yesterday. How many over, I don't know. I just haven't calculated everything out.
My dad called me last night to ask me what I'm doing July 5, because he's decided to get remarried that day. THAT just killed me. I cried. Alot. It's not that I don't want my dad to be happy. I do. I just think it's too soon. My mom passed away less than 18 months ago. He mentioned that he wanted to get remarried--but I thought that I had more time. I thought sometime next year. Maybe even Christmas. Not July.
I don't understand how you can love and be married to someone for almost 40 years--and then begin dating someone and get remarried so soon after losing them. I don't understand.
And I can't be there on July 5 because I have to work. And I'm angry that he has this whole new family. HER family. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough, so he found someone else with kids and they're better than me. They all live there. They are all involved in each others lives. I feel left out. And it makes me have self doubt. That maybe if I were thinnner or prettier then I would be good enough. And I know that it's not it at all--I know that my dad loves me the best way he knows how to. But my own issues skew my thinking.
I also feel that if he really wanted me to be there for him for his wedding, then he would have given me more notice. That he would have found a date that worked for everyone--and not just her family. It makes me feel like I don't really have a family any more. All of my grandparents are gone. My mom is gone. Now my dad is figuratively gone. My brother might as well be gone since he won't talk to me. I'm not close to my aunts or cousins. I actually feel like an orphan.
I wanted to stress eat. I ate one Little Debbie cloud cake (twinkie). And that was it. Then I went to bed and I slept so hard (because after I cry, I sleep).
I'm still emotional today. SUPER emotional. I'm crying right now writing this. And I HATE to cry.
I need to move past this. I need to accept this new phase of my life. I thank God every single day that I have the ELB in my life. This would be so much harder on my own.
Oh wow Luka Beth, I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of that. It sounds incredibly difficult and I think anyone would feel frustrated and sad. Have you thought about talking to a counselor? It might help to work without someone who could help you process all of that. It's a lot to deal with on top of all the changes you're going through after the surgery. Hope things get easier. I'm thinking about you!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Luka Beth. All of your feelings are totally understandable. While I don't think your dad's choices have ANYTHING to do with YOU, I completely understand why it feels like that. For one thing, all you can really control is you - so as children, we always want to think "if only" we did this, or that, we could make things come out differently - we could control the outcome. And maybe this is even a really good outcome - eventually - but right now, of course it makes sense that it feels like more loss to you. I can understand why even the wedding date, and feeling that you are almost excluded, is extremely painful and feels like it is setting a tone that is scary. I think Kay's suggestion of seeking a counselor is such a good idea.
ReplyDeleteI have had a lot of issues to work through about my family, too - both my growing up family, and my family by marriage - and found it so helpful to process things and have that personal support in a safe environment to let all the emotions out and sort through them with someone professionally trained to help. You are going through a LOT!
One of the things I learned in therapy was I had to let go of trying to change my dad or mom (or anyone else) by my behavior - nothing I said, did, was, or was not - was going to control them. I could only control my own life, and my own responses to their behavior. Now, I do have to say, it was sometimes a happy surprise, when as I DID change, in a few instances, that DID cause a ripple effect, and there was some change on their part. But I didn't make a change on my part to try to manipulate change from them anymore - I just did what I needed to do, for what was right and best for me to be healthy in my family and work with the dynamic. Sometimes people were mad at me for not responding the way they were used to, and again, that was where therapy was essential - to give me strength to stick to it and not be afraid, because the little girl in me was very scared to make mom or dad mad by not playing my role I always had played in the family dynamic. But then you form a new pattern. I still have things I work at changing.
I didn't mean to go off on a preachy tangent, I suppose it is me feeling sad for you and wanting to get too "Ms. Fix It" maybe to help. And just let you know I found therapy SO HELPFUL in working through this kind of thing, I could not have figured out how to do it differently without that outside support.
Throwing all that aside.. ;-P .... hope your Friday fill appointment went well, hope your weekend brings some peace and rest.