Sunset on New Years Eve

From the boardwalk.

Vacation time

So I'm on vacation with the ELB. We are in myrtle beach this week.

Today we walked 2.5 miles on the warm (72 degree) sunny beach.

This guy was walking his dog wearing nothing more than a speedo and shoes. #disturbing... Especially since he was like 70.

New Medical Breakthrough!

I have decided to chalk up my recent weight loss success to two things:  a fill I received in November that brought me to 6.5cc, and sinus issues.

I have decided to call the first one my "green zone", and the second one, "the snot diet". Let me explain.

I get the feeling that I am hungry. That I 'should' be eating, because I'll look at the clock and think, "oh, it's lunch time", or "oh, it's been six hours since I ate anything, I should eat now", and then I try to eat said item...and it doesn't work. The WANT to eat is there.  The ability to eat is not.

Today, I went to Chili's for lunch with a coworker. I ordered the chicken bacon quesadilla lunch combo, and told the waitress to bring that part boxed to go. I just wanted the soup that came with it (chicken enchilada), and some of the chips/salsa from my coworkers table order. I snacked on a few chips/salsa, and I ate about 1/2 of my soup. And I was full and wondering if I would be having a PB episode. I didn't, but I think it was close. I boxed up the rest of my soup (to have for dinner), and I'm taking the quesadilla and fries home to the ELB for dinner--along with a bag of the chips. And I'm FINE. I'm not hungry at all.

My coworker was like, "aren't you going to eat anything?" And I told her that I ate some chips and soup, and she was like, "you haven't eaten hardly anything". So I told her that I'm on the 'snot diet', and she laughed.

I have good restriction. I don't think I'm too tight, I'm not getting stuck, I can drink water and I can eat as long as I don't try to eat too early in the day, I eat slow and chew good and I avoid certain things. But this week, I am also having Aunt Flow visit, so I'm probably a little bit tighter this week than I was last week. Plus the constant drainage, I think, is filling up my little pouch and keeping me full.

So, the snot diet might not be the IDEAL way to lose weight with a LapBand--but it seems to be working for me right now. I might as well ride this puppy for as long as I can. It's jump started my weight loss after I stalled out, and I'm embracing it.

It's also a good excuse for all of those unexpected trips to the bathroom to PB up something that doesn't work. Feel free to use it.

Jewish Christmas = New Tradition

Yesterday was wonderful.

The ELB and I slept late. We went to the movies and saw "Frozen". Did anyone else think that the snowman, Olaf, stole the show? We want a movie about him alone.

We went and had Chinese food.  The ELB had sweet n sour chicken, and I had his WonTon soup and an egg roll. We finished the afternoon at the Charmery, an ice cream place that makes their own stuff. The owners are Jewish, so they were open for business!

There were very few people out. It was the most quiet that we have ever seen the city. Of course, we have never actually BEEN in Baltimore for Christmas. We have always been on vacation, or traveling--so this was a new experience for us.

But Jewish Christmas was a great idea, and I think it is one that will be repeated in the future.

Hope that you all had wonderful holidays--no matter how you chose to celebrate them!

B'ah, humbug!

The ELB and I have chosen to be Jewish for the holidays this year.

It's amazing what you can get out of doing! For example, you don't have to decorate. You don't have to cook a big dinner. You aren't obligated to travel vast distances on Christmas day to spend with people you may only marginally like, even if they are related to you by blood. You don't have to buy gifts, and you can avoid malls like the plague! It's awesome. And before you get all judgy on me, know that I had a roomate after college who was Jewish, and I was included in tons of family celebrations, Passover Seders and Rosh Hashanah..and on Christmas day, we went to the movies and ate Chinese food. So yes, I DO know what I'm talking about!

We started talking about doing Jewish Christmas a while ago, and I think that, even if our original plans of Chinese food and a movie don't work out, we can still embrace the Jewish Christmas theme. But we have chosen to play it be ear, see what comes forth tomorrow, and to embrace whatever we may end up doing.

After all, the whole point of the holidays are to spend time with the ones you love...and there is noone that I love more in this whole entire world than the ELB.

Happy Holidays!

I wrote a poem today

In honor of the holiday, enjoy!

Christmas cookie

You wear your festive red and green sugar sparkles

like diamonds that draw my eye

to the lithe lines of your curving shapes of

Santas and snowmen and angles

I dream of you at night, you iced vixens

of chocolate and nonpareils

that tempt me with your bright colors

and your forbidden fruits

One taste and I fall victim,

powdered sugar coating my fingers and my clothes

hard to hide the evidence

of my indiscretions.

Ups and downs....

Do you SEE the ticker number?!?

Yesterday was a bunch of fits and starts. I have been fighting a cold, and I have massive drainage. I am learning that massive drainage can cause me to do things like...oh, I don't know....PB water. Seriously. I took a drink of water, and it had to come right back up. Since I hadn't actually eaten anything, there was only one explanation.

So this is how yesterday morning started. The work lunch was scheduled for 11:30. We show up, I order my standard Don Pablos order--lunch fajitas with black beans and refritos (no rice) and no tortillas. I ate two bites of a tortilla chip with salsa--and I get stuck. I don't know how--since it was chewed up really really good--but I had to run to the bathroom and PB that right back up, too. Ugh.

This is really difficult when I'm at work and have issues, because I have chosen to tell NOONE about my little helper. So, I have to have good excuses. Yesterday, I blamed on phlegm from my cold. Which, in truth, was accurate! So, I just ate my beans (I mix them together and put some salsa on top) for lunch, and took the rest to go.

Then there were the cookies. And the cookies, damn them all, went down without a problem. And I ate WAY too many of them (like 4) while we were doing our gift exchange.

Then, I had to go to my appointment.

Based on the day I was having at this point, I was very intimidated by the scale. I should also note that I did not wear my super awesome light weight weigh in pants. I was wearing regular work pants and a sweater.

And the scale was DOWN ten pounds from my last weigh in on November 13.  I had gained weight last weigh in, so I lost that PLUS another 6lbs. I went from 364 to 354.

Even with the massive amount of junk that I feel that I've been eating, I had a loss.

I am very happy, and I did not mess with my restriction. My next appointment is in February. Let's see how things go.

Now, my goal is to lose at least another 10 lbs before my next appointment! I can do that in two months.

I think I've got this!

It's Hump Day

Today, there are many things going on.

1.  We are having our office party. This involves lunch out (at Don Pablos), and cookies.
2.  I have my surgeon appointment today to see if my most recent fill is good or bad. All signs (if my PCP scale is any indication) are good.  However, since my appointment is after lunch, well, lets just say that it may not be as good as I had hoped to see.
3.  After my appointment, I am meeting up with two other banders from my surgeons program and we are going to dinner.
4.  I am kind of 'backed up' in the waste removal process, and it's not through any lack of trying.  I have been taking Miralax (blech!) every day, and still no real relief. I'm afraid (and this is stupid) that I will weigh heavy b/c of this, and I won't get a true reading. Seriously, I know that when I get home tonight, I will probably poop out about 5lbs.
5.  #4 was kind of gross and probably WAY too much information. But hey, we are all sisters here. We can commensurate.
6.  I'm dragging @ss this morning. Bed at 1am, up at 5:30 does not a happy Luka make. Plus, I'm trying really hard to fight a cold off, and I know that lack of sleep is not doing me any favors.
7.  Did I mention that I was tired?
8.  Did I mention that I was cold? Yeah, I am FREEZING lately. Me, the girl that used to go all winter wearing just a scarf thrown over whatever I was wearing to work, or just pulling on a fleece jacket during a blizzard...I'm cold. The down comforter has not been taken off the bed. It's an adjustment for me, since I always tend to be hot.
9.  I got my Chickfila calendar yesterday. Bring on the freebies! Okay, well, bring them on for the ELB since he will get the majority of the items on the list, except for the soup and the salad. :)
10.  Vacation commences in TEN DAYS! What!

I know it's not Thursday, but I like to buck convention and do things on MY terms. Hope you guys are having a great day. Hopefully I will have an awesome report for you tomorrow!

What the Numbers say....

I had an appointment with my PCP this morning to check my bloodwork, and to reevaluate my medications.

According to her scale, I am down 7lbs from my last visit in September. Yay! However, this will not be the same number on my surgeons scale Wednesday afternoon (which is actually the day of my office Christmas party and which I will be having lunch out with my coworkers).

However, based on the numbers I got today:

A1C is at 6.3 (I was at 6.7 three months ago!)
BP is great at 120/76
pulse: 72 BPM

I am NOT anemic, and I do not have any B12 deficiency. My kidney function is great. My LDL cholesterol has come down from 145 to 130 in three months.

By my one year bandiversary, I should be off of one medication entirely, and another is being reduced to 1/2 the dosage.

I have not come close to meeting my goal weight in the first year, but my goal with surgery was to be healthier. So that I could have a kid. So that I could grow old with the love of my life.

The weight loss will come when my body is ready to let go of it. And that day is getting closer. I will meet my goal weight...one day. Even if it takes 10 years to get there.

Separation of church and pizza

The ELB and I ordered a pizza today.
It was good.... But I wouldn't say it was 'heavenly'.

Post modern foot

Today's socks come courtesy of Lane Bryant circa 2010 or 2011.  I normally don't buy socks there because they are GINORMOUS (and that is saying a lot bc I wear a size 11) but I liked that these go with everything.

Still not learning

Last night, I decided to make 'fried rice' using bulger instead of rice (because I'm afraid to eat rice any more). I had made some bulger the night before, and my plan was to saute some carrots, celery, and onions, then toss in the cooked bulger and some shredded chicken, scrambled egg, and some soy sauce.

I can say--FANTASTIC.  So much so that I ate THREE 1-cup servings. OMG. I don't know what I was thinking. I ate my first porition, and I was happy! I felt satisfied. I was comfortable. But then my brain started thinking about all of the yummy leftovers in the kitchen. And I went into this zombie brain eating trance--must eat EVERYTHING.

I made myself stuffed to the point of sickness. I binged. I have not binged in a while.  Not only did I have the super healthy mock fried rice till I was over stuffed and uncomfortable, I also ate Trader Joe's salted butterscotch caramel balls, peanut butter M&M's, pretzel M&M's, three bite size bagel dogs. It was not pretty.

I have not had a binge episode in a while--mainly because since this last fill, I've been doing pretty good (I think) with portions. I haven't had the need (or want) to binge eat. I'm not bulumic, but I have (in the past) binged until the point of vomiting. I never want to do that again--but I came very close last night. I binged until I was pb'ing peanut butter flavored water.

Today, my stomach is swollen and irritated. I regret it.  But there's only one thing to do--move past and move forward.

Today is a new day, and I can make today a better day than yesterday. I can make better choices (although this morning is bad in the breakfast scope b/c I'm having a McDonalds white chocolate mocha and a sausage mcmuffin---pretty much half of my daily calories in ONE meal).

My daily calorie goal is 1350. That's it. I just blew 680 calories on breakfast. But am I going to throw in the towel and chalk today up to a lesson to be learned and blow out the rest of the day? NO. I'm going to buckle down, enjoy what's left of my coffee (I paid for the calories, I'm going to enjoy the calories), and then I will focus on making the best choices I can the rest of the day.

Falling off the wagon isn't the end of the world. It's failing to get back on that is.

#blah

It's one of those days. You know, THOSE days when everything seems to hit the fan, the stupid phones won't stop ringing, and I'm agitated to the point BEYOND any bending point? Yeah. Sucks to be me today.

I talked to my nutritionist at the surgeons office, and asked her some questions. She gave me a number to work on meeting with my calories of 1350. That's not so bad. I can do that. I know it's stupid, but coming from her, it will make my brain more likely to accept that this is THE number to work with. If I had randomly picked a number myself and tried to implement it--I would fail miserably.

I have been addicted to cookies lately. I don't know why, but I just want cookies. I really need to get that under control. I am going to pull my book from my class and start back with the basics. I need to cut out the extra junk that I was perfectly fine not eating a year ago. Cookies, bread, cakes, candy bars, candy, etc. And I need to focus on eating the good things--protien, whole grains, and vegetables. I really do NOT eat enough vegetables...and I LOVE vegetables. And I need to get back on track with writing it down. If I bite it, I write it. No more excuses.

I am trying to get through the next few weeks until VACATION. Have there ever been any sweeter words in the English language? SIXTEEN DAYS. I can do anything for 16 days. Cmon brain--lets get through this!

Socks of the day

In deference to the winter blast we are under, I sported socks with figure skaters today with my snow boots.

I got this pair when I lived in Richmond.... Pretty confident they came from Kohls. Ironic because Richmond is 99% temperate and rarely has at true winter experience.

The weekend....

Was fun. And cold. And there was snow.  Alot of snow.

But I got some cute things at the 'will. And I spend some quality time with the ELB in the car whilst traveling to his gigs.

I broke down and put the down comforter on the bed.

I wore two pairs of cute socks, but forgot to take pictures. And I didn't wear snow boots (that I own and which are super awesome), even though I wish I had.

I got stuck on french fries (no more french fries--this was my final lesson on that). There is nothing worse than getting stuck, sliming, and not being able to spit it up. I had to stand in line for over 10 minutes with a mouthfull of slime, trying to not gag, while I waited in line at the bathroom at McDonalds during a freaking snow storm. NOT. FUN.

Drank a whole 20 oz bottle of Dr. Pepper (and not the diet stuff) in a 6 hr span.

I made super awesome bbq chicken cups using the canned corn biscuits, shredded chicken and bbq sauce. OMG, delicious, especially topped with coleslaw before eating. Yes, I am a southern girl--I like slaw on my BBQ and on chili dogs.

I spent too much money that I will probably wish I hadn't spent by the end of this week. Hey budget--where were you when I needed you?

Today is off to a humdinger of a start. We had hellacious ice storms over night--but work wasn't canceled. I still had to do my orienation this morning. I still had to go for my blood draw at lunch. I still have to go to a coworkers retirement party tonight (when all I really want to do is go home and chill out).

I really need to walk, but the weather kept me from doing that. I need more motivation to get back on track with my eating, and with being more active with exercising. I don't know why I can't focus on staying under my calories and making better choices. I feel like such a lapband failure.

*sigh*

Enough of my bitching. Whats up with you?

New teeth and old socks

I got two crowns put in today. They are gorgeous. Seriously. You cannot tell they are fake. The fit and color are spot on.

So today's socks are one of my favorites. I've had them for over 10 years.... No joke. I remember wearing them with a rose pink  turtleneck sweater to a German class I took in 2003. I know. Too much detail in remembering socks. Maybe I have issues?

Wanna see my feet?

I love socks. Especially cute ones. So this month, whenever I wear cute socks I'm going to post them here. And maybe a story of how I came to own them. I own a lot of socks, and almost all of them are this cute!

Weird? Yes. Fun? Hell yes.

Today's pair I bought yesterday at ACMoore. The ELB and i love penguins, so these had to come home with me!

They were $1, but I only paid 50 cents with my coupon. That is one hella sock deal!

Btw, meet Puddles.... we got him the first Christmas we lived in sin.

#awesome

Last night, I tried Bulger Wheat for the very first time.  Verdict? DELICIOUS!

I sauteed some onions and mushrooms, added the cup of chicken broth, brought to a boil, then put in 1/2 cup bulger wheat, returned to a boil, then put on low for 10 minutes. It turned out perfect. Combined with my sauteed kale and talapia, it was a good healthy dinner night. I think that the Bulger will be a good addition to my diet, since it is high in protien, like quinoa (which I also love).  The bulger has a different texture--it's a little bit more hearty and chewy, but it turned out really good.

Dinner tonight is the orange soda chicken in the crock pot. I started it this morning. 1 can of Sunkist (that's the only orange soda in the machine at work), 1/2 cup soy sauce, and a TBSP of minced garlic.I plan on thickening the sauce with a little cornstarch for the ELB before serving. I might repeat my bulger recipe to go with the chicken tonight, since I still have chicken broth left from last night. We shall see.

Nothing else is really going on.  Counting down to vacation. Stepping up my search for new professional opportunities (with the blessing of my current manager). I need to get some smaller knitting needles because some of the yarn I got was smaller weight. Wow, I have a boring life!

Later....

Hump Day!

In our house, hump day is also known as 'garbage day'. Just an FYI.

I think I'm fairly well recovered from yesterdays mishap with the french fries at Chickfila. I've done okay--protien coffee, terriyaki chicken thigh, some mashed potatos. Two bottles of water. Two butter mints. Two walks (about 2 miles total). I need to eat some vegetables, so I'm going to make some fish and sauteed kale with mushrooms for dinner. I used to eat kale ALOT--and since surgery, I really don't anymore. It's a superfood--so I know I should eat more, so I'm going to try to eat it at least once week going forward. Babygirl will just have to share her stash with me.

I saw a recipe in a crockpot cookbook that I have to make orange chicken using boneless skinless chicken breasts, a 12 oz can of orange soda, and 1/4 cup of soy sauce, and some garlic. I'm going to try that tomorrow for the ELB. I don't know how it will turn out, but it should be interesting. I think that I'll be able to thicken up the sauce with a little cornstarch when it's done. I'll let you know.

I do know that I will NOT be eating it with rice. I'll be making some quinoa or bulger wheat, instead. The ELB can have the rice. Me and rice--not such good friends anymore.

Anyways, it has been Wednesday. I'm ready to go home. Ciao!

I think I'm getting this

So far, so good!

Monday back to the walking before work routine. Last week was jacked because of rain and the holiday. But yesterday was clear (though brisk), and I slammed out 4 laps in less than 15 minutes. I stuck with just coffee and then switched to water until almost 12:30 when I ate one slice of 7-11 cheese pizza (I was running errands), and three Oreo cookies. I didn't eat again until after 6 when I had leftover chicken corn chowder (need to finish it up--I hate to waste!). I enjoyed a cup of my 'potpourri' tea, as the ELB calls it, and it was a good night. No sticking episodes yesterday, no PB episodes, no painful OMG what have I done moments.

This morning, walked 6 laps in less than 20 minutes, then had my coffee. Sipping a cup of Cranberry Apple zinger tea (caffiene free), then will switch to water the rest of the day.

I think that I'm going to stick with this restriction through the rest of the year, and then reevaluate. I'm afraid that I might have gained again when I go back on the 18th--but that remains to be seen. In the beginning after my fill, I was getting stuck, and then eating too many sliders just so that I could get SOME food down. Now that I've adjusted, I'm hoping that any residual damage that I might have done with slider will resolve itself.

Obvs, if I have gained, then I will know it's because I'm too tight--and then I will have the surgeon remove some fluid--but I'm optimistic that this might be my first visit to green. Fingers crossed!

UPDATE: I'm a freaking idiot. I ran errands during my lunch break with a co-worker, and she wanted to grab lunch out. I got a 4pc grilled nugget meal from CFA with fries. I ate two fries and got stuck. Had to go PB in the bathroom. Blamed it on phlegm. Sigh. Back to babying my Band for another day or two until the swelling goes out. It's always hard for me to get out of these situations since I chose to not tell anyone about my friend being installed--so sometimes, these things are going to happen. I should have gotten soup. Chalk it up to another day of being stupid.

I LOVE WINTER!

Well, I like the idea of winter more so than the cold temperatures and super high heat bills that we have (heating a 120 year old brick row house is NOT fun).

But, I do like brisk mornings and get your blood flowing--and snuggling under the blankets at night with the ELB.

And drinking hot tea, and making soups and stews in the crockpot. Winter makes me think of my mom. She LOVED LOVED LOVED winter.

The weekend I went to the movies with my friends, there were scattered snow flurries that night. Walking out of Wegmans with the girls, one of them started singing, "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow". And it hit me really really hard. My mom ALWAYS did that--at the first sign of snow, she would break into song and dance--in the middle of a store aisle, in the parking lot, or even just dancing around the kitchen. When I told my friend that, she just looked at me and said, "see, your mom is always with you". That made me cry.

But anyways, yesterday the ELB and I headed out so that I could fufill my latest obessession--KNITTING! I learned how to knit last year, and made two scarves--but wasn't able to complete them because I didn't know how to FINISH the last row. I finally learned on Friday from a coworker--so I was able to open up both of my pairs of needles--and that deemed a trip to AC Moore for yarn. I got alot of pretty colors (but I'm still a beginner--I'm excited to learn how to purl soon!). I have big knitting dreams. :)

While we were out, we also went to Trader Joes to stock up on the Cinnamon Vanilla tea and Candy Cane teas for the year. I went a little crazy at TJ's--6 boxes of cinnamon vanilla, 4 boxes of candy cane, 4 bags of salted butterscotch caramel balls, red and green lentils, bulger wheat (I saw a recipe that Jamie Oliver made on TV and I wanted to try it), and two jars of my love in a jar--Crunchy cookie butter and cocoa cookie butter. I spent around $50, but that is a years worth of tea bags! And those flavors are only around for Christmas--so we stock up. I also got a box of Harvest flavor tea--and it was good. Of course, the ELB said that it smelled like potpourri--although it tasted pretty good. :)

I decided that after eating the Progresso lentil soup that I can make a better one at home. So that's my new challenge. I spent around $3 for lentils (each bag was about $1.50). So now to find a lentil soup in the crock pot recipe. So, if you have any good lentil soup recipes, feel free to pass them my way.

Otherwise, I'll be spending the winter elbow deep in scarves (because that's all that I know how to make right now). 

Idiot

I made chicken corn chowder.... Which is basically potato soup with  chicken and corn... Well my recipe is anyways.

I made it on the crock pot last Wednesday... Dumping in chopped potatoes (with skins) in chicken broth, diced onion, celery, shredded chicken, and frozen corn. Adding soy milk before eating. and then I added a 1/2 cup of qdoba salsa Verde BC it needed spice.

The first bowl I get stuck. I can't figure out why... And then I see the potato skins.

Sigh. Now when I eat this batch I have to pick out the skins. It's still good... And I guess it will help me slow down my eating if I have to look at every bite.

Lesson learned. Again.

Does life with the band ever get easier?

getting skooled (again)

Some people NEVER learn...and by that 'some people', I really mean ME.

Stopped for gas on the way to work, and got some coffee. Stupidly picked up a breakfast sandwich while in line to pay for coffee.

Two bites in, I remember that I can't eat this early.

Sigh.

Old habits are so hard to change. It gets schooled into you that you should eat breakfast, it's the most important meal of the day! So, I try to eat breakfast. And since this fill, I fail at that. But I still have it in my head that I have to eat breakfast (it's the MOST IMPORTANT MEAL of the DAY), because my head tells me, "hey, it's the morning. time to eat!" and Donny is going, "girl, you be trippin'"...because honestly, what super white girl DOESN'T have a fabulous and fly black woman as their voice of reason (or the voice of their LapBand)?

I just stirred a half scoop of Unjury into my remaining coffee so that I have some redeeming nutritional value to my morning.

Happy post Turkey day! Other than WAY too much pumpkin pie filling with cool whip (btw, the ramekins without crust so worked good that I don't think I'll want crust on my pumpkin pie ever again!), the day was pretty quiet and relaxing.

Random thoughts for a cold rainy Tuesday

1. Breakfast  and me are no longer friends. I've found out the hard way that solid food before I have been awake for any less than 4 hours isn't happening since this last fill. So, now, my protien coffee becomes my standard breakfast--which is fine, because I need that bitch to function anyways.

2.  Lentil soup is pretty good. I got a can of Progresso Lentil soup on sale at Giant for 88cents a few weeks ago, and I've been waiting to try it. I was actually afraid it would suck, and I would end up throwing it away. I opened it yesterday for lunch, and even though the initial smell reminded me of Alpo, once I heated it and added some black pepper, it was pretty good. The calories are a little higher at 160/serving, but there's 9 grams of protien in 1 cup of it--so that's not to bad. It also had good reheat value when I had the rest of the can today. I guess the days of eating a whole can of soup WITH a sandwich are no more.

3. In the evenings, I find that if I take my time and chew thoroughly, I can have a nice 'normal' meal of protien and vegetable without issue. Last night, I had grilled chicken nuggets from CFA for the first time in a while--and I did okay with them. Chew Chew Chew. Of course, I ordered a 12 pc b/c I share with the ELB. I had 4. He had the other 8. Along with his large order of fries, regular sandwich, and large dr. pepper.

4.  I don't get food jealous any more.In the past, I would get superbly jealous of other peoples meal choices when we would go out to dinner. I would always want to order last so that I could see if whatever anyone else was ordering would possibly be better than my choice.  Last Saturday when I went to dinner with my two work friends, I knew that I wanted French Onion soup--and that's what I ordered. One friend got a petite filet and broccoli, and the other got a huge plate of fettuccini. Was I food jealous? Not. A. Bit.  

5.  I really like cookies.  I don't know why I'm throwing that out there, but I do. Cake, candy---meh. But give me a cookie, and I'm all over it. Maybe because I have yet to have issues eating a cookie. Who knows. 

6.  I'm dying to get a new crock pot so that I can try out so many new and different recipes that really don't work in my old school circa 1972 avacado green tall round pot. I want the super cute and stainless steel and programmable 6 qt model that will fulfill my every stomachs desire. I'm investing in this thing so that it will last forever. I'm the most serious crock pot shopper out there. I know what I want and I know what I'm willing to pay for it. I'm going to be perusing the sales papers tomorrow for black friday specials.

7.  I'm making roast beef and potatos for Thanksgiving dinner. The ELB is super okay with that. Did you know that one package of cubed stew beef makes a ton of meals for us? I can't really enjoy the beef anymore, so the ELB will eat that--but I get full dibs on all the beef broth.  Which will then become vegetable soup or beef stew, and at least one dish of sauteed onions/mushrooms in beefy goodness. For $12, you can't go wrong.

8. I'm being SUPER economical lately because I'm a broke ass bitch. I had to pay a parking ticket (bogus!), I have to pay my county taxes, and trying to budget for vacation. I made a trip to Sams club yesterday and spent $100 on food, and then spent $35 today at Giant. This should get us through the next two weeks with minimal meals out. And part of the purchases were Halls SF cough drops ($7.50 for 180 drops), plus another $6 for freezer bags so that I can cook and portion out the chicken I bought.

9.  Why is Mio so damn expensive? $3.99 each? Luckily, they were 2/$6, and I had a coupon for a dollar off--but still, expensive! We love the lemon one because it's like Country Time Lemonade--but they only had ONE lemon today. Sigh.

10.  Happy Thanksgiving, ya'll. Enjoy some turkey for me. I'll be eating pumpkin pie! :)

Am I doing this right?

The Green Zone.

It's what we all want and strive to reach as Banders. I know that I've wanted to get there for a while--so that I could finally start seeing some downward scale progress.

I am currently at 6.5 cc. I got my most recent fill on November 13.

I have learned that eating in the morning has been a big NO lately. Usually, I have coffee in the morning, with Unjury protien powder and soy milk. About 5 hours later, I will have something small for lunch (3/4 cup of some kind of protien packed soup or chili). Dinner is usually around another 5 hours later. Some days (like this weekend), I went all day on nothing but coffee, and I didn't miss eating.

Saturday, I didn't have my coffee. I met a friend for lunch at Wegmans around 2pm, and we hit the a la carte' food bar. I got 1/4 cup of sesame chicken and 1/4 cup of oven roasted broccoli. The first bite of broccoli, I get stuck. And it refuses to budge. And I start to slime and slime. But I'm swallowing it back, hoping that it will pass because my friend doesn't know about my surgery. Finally, I realize that I need to go RIGHT NOW or there will be bad things happening. I bolt for the bathroom--and I don't make it. Thank GOD that they have a hand washing area with a sink in a little alcove. I make it there and very discretely expunge a ton of slime. Then I go to the bathroom and slime some more. I think it's done, and I head back to the table. I don't eat anything, but just sit and chat--and then I have to go AGAIN because I'm still sliming.

Now my friend is worried. She thinks I have the flu. I almost came clean and told her the truth, but I don't. Instead I tell her that I have alot of phlegm from sinus drainage. She buys it, but I still kind of want to tell her--but I'm not going to...yet. Maybe one day, but right now, it's not worth taking the chance.

After my episode, I can't really eat or drink anything without being afraid to get stuck again. But later, our other friend shows up, and she wants to hit Boardwalk for french fries. And I ate some french fries without any issue. Then later, at dinner, I ate some Bloomin' onion just fine.

I know that I need to work on seeing if I can handle solid protien and not rely on slider foods (which I consider jelly beans, cookies, and anything fried) for sustenance. I don't want to go down the slippery slope of only being able to get slider foods while real food gets stuck.

I'm giving myself this week to figure things out. No slider foods. Focus on eating healthy and getting on track with my portions, protien, and chew chew chew. And come next Monday, if I'm still having trouble with real food, I will go in for an adjustment. I think that I just need to do better with the actual consumption with chewing and smaller bites to avoid getting stuck, which causes the swelling, that makes it hard to eat real food.

Any suggestions? Concerns? Am I in the green or am I in the red and causing more harm than good?

Ten things...

So, even though I don't really get invited to do the TTT, I just feel like posting some sh!t, and doing it by number. Will there be 10? I don't know.

1.  I noticed that my front tire has been making noise since the oil change/tire rotation I got two weeks ago. Kind of like a jingling. I noticed yesterday that the wheel cover looked a little weird, so I called the local dealership and they said bring it in.  When I pulled in, they looked at the tire, and were like, "your lug nuts aren't secure". Seriously. I have been driving for TWO WEEKS on a tire that could have fallen off at any time. I.AM.PISSED. at the dealership where I bought my car, because they are the ones that screwed up. I am in love with this local one that fixed my car for FREE.

2.  I'm going out with my 'work' friends on Saturday to see the new Hunger Games movie. I have always shied away from going to movies on the weekends that they open because of the crowds.  Fat girl + lots of people (usually teenagers) = uncomfortable time for me. However, my two friends are also fluffy girls--and they really want to go Saturday, so I'm going to suck it up and not voice my insecurity. We have a whole girls afternoon planned. My goal? To spend less than $20 the whole day (not counting the ticket that I already bought online).

3.  A nasty cold has been going around the office this week. Two people in my current work area are sick, and another few are sprinkled around the building. I am doing my best to stay germ free--staying in my desk area except for bathroom breaks, using hand sanitizer, and keeping my hands out of my mouth/eyes. Fingers crossed I can get through.

4.  Tomorrow, I am taking a mental health day from work. I won't have another scheduled day off until 12/20--and then VACATION starting 12/28. Other than my surgery, I haven't had an extended period off this whole year. I need a break. After I get my temp crown adjusted, the ELB and I are heading to DC (he has a gig), and then we will be going out to dinner at Burger Tap Shake. I forsee a Big Daddy burger (sans bun) and half of a boozy shake in my future!

5.  The holiday is next week, and the ELB and I don't do a darn thing for it. Can I cook? Hell yes. Am I going to? Hell no. The ELB doesn't want Thanksgiving, and I don't think I can really eat it/enjoy it right now. I am determined to make some mini pumpkin pies just for me, just because it would be a crime to not get a pumpkin pie. I think that the ginormous pumpkin pie that you Sams club sells is the most delicious pumpkin pie in the world (besides the ones that my mom used to make when I was a kid). I'm going to forgo the huge pie and get some pumpkin and make my own tart size ones. Maybe I'll forgo the crust and just bake them in the ramekins, instead. That would be healthier, right? And pumpkin is good for you!

6.  Did I mention that I am counting down to vacation? I mailed the final installment for our condo payment yesterday, so other than coming up with the money for gas (which should be easier with a Prius) and food (which is easier since we will cook in for almost every meal) we are ready to go. The ELB is looking forward to it just as much as I am. Five Weeks, give or take a few days. Sigh. So so close!

7.  I've been struggling to figure out what to buy my dad (and his wife) for Christmas this year. Last year, I regifted an item to her that I got from the yankee swap gift exchange at work, and she loved it. This year, I plan on regifting a gift that I bought for the yankee swap two years ago, and then ended up getting back. I think that she will get that, my dad will get the two pairs of plaid PJ pants that I got on clearance at Kohls over the summer (they are UVA plaid so he will love them), and then we will get them a gift card to either Red Lobster or Cracker Barrel to finish it out. I'm poor, and I have a feeling that I'm going to be getting jack from them, so why spend alot of money I don't have. Besides, I asked my dad what they wanted/needed and he said "absolutely nothing". I don't feel bad regifting things to her, because everything I have given her has been brand new and very nice--whereas, last year from her, I got a book that she had read (if the folded corners and stained pages were any indication), and the ELB got a 'free gift' key chain.

8.  Am I too bitter? Because #7 seemed to be kind of "bitter, party of one"....but it's all true--so how can the truth be bitter?

9. I'm making friends. The 'work' friends from # 2 are starting to turn into 'real' friends. Making friends is a slow process. We have progressed from work colleagues, to lunch buddies, and now to actually seeing each other on a weekend friends. Will we ever get to the point that they would be emergency contacts, or anything like that? I think they could. They are nice girls (even if they ARE conservative Republicans--whereas I am NOT), so as long as we don't talk about politics, we get along famously! It's been a while since I've had girl friends--I have my best friend, but she's in Michigan, and we haven't actually seen each other since 2009, although we do keep in touch by phone and email and text. The ELB is my bestest friend, but he's supossed to be, but these girls have potential. I'm glad I met them!

10.  I need to get Tide and gas on the way home tonight--and maybe some canned pumpkin!

Later, gators!     

cheating...on myself

I have been a bad bander.

Since my restriction has increased, I've discovered a new found appreciation for slider foods.

Milkshakes (although in all fairness I only had this after that horrible stuck episode), cookies, chips, chocolate. The list goes on.

It seems like for every healthy choice I make, I made one on the flipside that is worse!

Oh, can't have bread because you'll get all stuck up? That's okay! Cookies don't get stuck!

Really want crackers with your soup but you defer because of carbs? Well, good thing that chocolate bar slides right through!

Eating soup because solid protien is too much to contemplate? Well, lucky you! You can satisfy your solid food craving with Doritos!

Yes, this IS how my brain (and apparently stomach) are currently thinking.

It stops today.

Okay, looking back in retrospect, I had one milkshake (split with the ELB last Saturday). I had one of those $0.50 cent bags of Doritos (and one of Cheetos). And I had 5 Voortman cherry turnover cookies. And one Reeses cup.

In the past, this could have been TRIPLED, and would have most likely have all occured in maybe just one day of eating. Instead of the tiny bag of Doritos, it would have been the family size option from Sams club. Instead of just 5 cookies over 3 days--it would have been the entire package in one sitting. Instead of splitting the milkshake, I would have had the whole thing to myself--and added in the chicken sandwich and large fries to finish it out--make it a balanced meal, you know?

I'm not perfect. I struggle ALL THE TIME. Even with new found restriction, my brain keeps telling me that I need to eat more. I use the small plates and tiny silverware. I don't drink while eating. I know all the tricks--I just need to retrain my brain to accept them as 'normal'.

Small victories this week--NOT caving to Burger King the other day for lunch.  Or caving this morning for breakfast.  Getting in my protien. Walking every morning.  Working on getting my water up with my restriction.

Things I need to work on--get rid of the cookies. I just put them out for coworkers. Walking MORE than I currently am. Taking smaller bites. And most importantly, NOT eating anything after 8pm. I've found that if I eat anything after 8pm, when I go to bed at 11, it still feels like it's floating around in there and I'm so afraid that I'll regurgitate in my sleep and choke on my own stomach contents. Gross, but it's making it easier to say no to things.

It's hump day.  Countdown to the weekend.

So far, so good

With this latest fill, I actually think that I am doing good, now that the swelling from my two post fill disasters has receeded.

Yesterday, I flipped Burger King the bird for tormenting me with the smell of flame broiled awesomness. I knew that I couldn't eat it or enjoy it--but the smell of it almost made me get in the drive thru line and order it anyways. But I got in my car and I drove away--very quickly before I could change my mind.

Last night, I had 2 oz of chicken and 1/2 of a sweet potato cooked in that StoneWave cooker. I got it a few weeks ago, tempted to make the beefy onion and the chocolate souffle thing. I did made the beefy onion--and it was okay. I also made the chocolate cake thing--and it was okay--kind of dry. But there was a little recipe for sweet potato, and it turned out AWESOME. I didn't follow the recipe--I just chopped up 1/2 of a sweet potato, sprinkled with brown sugar, cinnamon, and a dash of salt--and a dollop of Smart Balance  on top--cooked for three minutes--and then let it sit and residual cook for another 5. It was delicious. I plan on having it again tonight.

Fingers crossed that this fill will help me to finally start on the downward slope towards continued weight loss. Since surgery, I think I've lost a total of 10 lbs. I lost other 60 prior to surgery by incorporating diet and exercise. I'm ready for my transformation to begin--and now I'm embracing it.

Peace out!

Green?

Am I possibly in the green zone now, or did I speed right by into the red?

I got a fill last Wednesday. I deffinitely have some major restriction. This was quickly evidenced with my bagel experience on Thursday.

I am learning very quickly that I have been a lazy bander until now. These are the changes I'm figuring out on my journey (as of last Wednesday):

Bread = evil
Things with skins (like potatoes) = MORE evil
Poorly chewed bites=satan
 Eating too fast= a horrible decision that I will regret

I figured out the whole potato thing on Saturday. I ate ONE bite of a potato wedge while driving to Philly on Saturday morning. I got stuck. I slimed for FORTY MINUTES, spitting into an empty cup while the ELB drove. The whole time, he's trying not to hurl HIS cookies, because he is a sympathetic gagger. Finally, I had him pull over, I walked around, and then steathily retreated to the bathroom with a bottle of water where I 'floated' the instigator out. Is it disgusting? Yes, but it works, and after that, I was okay. Irritated, but okay. I had nothing else to eat that day until dinner when I had a small chicken tortilla soup and a milkshake from Chickfila (the milkshake felt good in my irritated tummy).

Since then, I have been trying to be very careful with my choices. I am limiting my portions and NOT going back for seconds. Water is very slow to go down.

I'm going to see how I do by Wednesday, and then decide if I need a slight unfill (slight meaning like 0.1 cc or something). I don't know what Green should feel like. I can eat, and not get sick unless I swallow too big of a bite, or try to eat too fast. I can't drink water as quickly. I'm not PBing everything I put in my mouth, which I think is a positive. I do get little gurgle burps when I drink things--which is like air coming to the top of my tummy, but it's not pain or anything.

Does it sound like I'm in the zone? Or am I too tight? I am planning to stick with soft foods for another day or so, and to continue crushing my pills for a few more days.

Any other advice?

GO! GO! GO!

This has been my week. Nonstop. Running constantly.

It's almost over.

I had an appointment with my surgeon on Wednesday. I hoped for the best, but prepared for the worst.

I gained 2.2 lbs. I got another fill. I'm now at 6.5cc.

I did awesome Wednesday, then was stupid yesterday. Every day this week has started at 5am. I have been out the door by 6:30 so that I could be at the offsite locations by 7:30. Yesterday, I had coffee for breakfast. Just coffee.  And unfortunately, I had some candy--because I didn't have anything to eat until after 2pm.

At 2pm, I forgot that I just had a fill--and I tried to eat 1/2 of a bagel. Okay, I DID eat half the bagel--and then my tighter new band said, "F*ck no, bitch". Whereby, I promptly began to slime, ran to the bathroom (which was closed because it was being cleaned), so I was spitting into the water fountain drain--then ran in and PB (I physically threw it up). I felt like crap.

Last night, I had the WORST headach that resembled a knife stabbing repeatedly through my eyeball. I went to bed early, and woke up feeling somewhat better thanks to the ELB (wink wink). Then, at work, I'm booking through voicemails and emails when my vision goes wonky. Like, I was looking through a glass of water.

I freaked out. It lasted about 20 minutes. I could see clearly if I was looking directly at something--but my peripheral was watery. I started to email my PCP for what I should do--go to her, go to urgent care, go to the emergency room--and in the meantime, I took some tylenol and some sudafed. By the time I finished typing my email, my eyes were back to normal.  I hope it was just stress, but if it happens again, I'm going to the doctor, pronto!

Luckily, I think that I'm at a good restiction level. I can eat and drink, as as long as I take my time, I am not having any other issues. Water is definitely slower going through, so I can't drink as much as I normally do--and it's hard to sip constantly--so I'm afraid that I will not be able to get my water in, but I'm going to try. I didn't realize how hard just getting in my water.

Hope that you have a good weekend. I'm exhausted, and as bad as it is for me, I am having alcohol tonight. I need it. I deserve it after this craptacular week!

Recipe alert

I like to make chicken salad to eat during the week at work. The only problem is, as much as I love it, I can get bored with it.

So I mixed up a different version this week.

Lukas taco chicken salad crostini

Taco chicken salad recipe:
1 can (13 oz), drained and shredded
3/4 c 0% Greek yogurt
1/4 c Hellman's real mayo
1/2 pack taco seasoning
1/4 c shredded cheddar
Mix up and let sit overnight to let flavors develop.

I spread on toasted baguette chips (I bought a panera baguette and had them slice it thin then toasted in oven until crispy) then topped with black beans and corn, drained and rinsed. It turned out really good!

Saturday

The ELB was off so we rode to Ocean City for the day. We walked the boardwalk (5 miles), had a slice of pizza at Dough Roller, got some Thrashers fries, then headed home.

We saw these disturbing windsocks that ARE shaped as what you think they are.

It was a good day.

It's the most wonderful time....of the year!

Hot off the presses---Chicken Tortilla soup is BACK at Chickfila according to a text that I just got from the ELB!

My life (meaning lunch/dinner options) from now until March has significantly improved.

Don't get me wrong--I make a pretty good knock off version--but they just get it RIGHT--that no matter how much I tweak my recipe, it fails to get that flavor.

So, don't take my word for it--go out and get your super LapBand friendly Chicken Tortilla soup and try it for yourself.

And no, Chickfila did not pay me to endorse this wonderfully awesome product for them--but if they came knocking and said, hey, do you want free soup for being awesome--I deffinitely wouldn't say no!

An Open Letter to Wendy Williams

Dear Wendy Williams,

How you doin'?

Let me preface this letter by saying that I really do like your show. I don't watch any talk shows, but when I get home in time to do so, I like to watch yours.

That's why I'm so regreful of having to write this letter.

Yesterday, I really feel that you went too far with your discussion of weight loss surgery and LapBand.  You said some things that I took offence to, and I wanted to point these out to you as a reference point for future use.

1.  LapBand and weight loss.  You made a comment that pretty much said that when someone had weight loss surgery that they should drop a ton of weight in a minute. That's NOT how the LapBand works.  The LapBand is a tool to help control the amount of food eaten to aid in weight loss.  People who have the RNY or Sleeve tend to have super quick weight loss.  The LapBand is designed to help people lose an average of 1.5-2lbs a week.  There is no guarantee that it will come off this quickly. Some of us still continue to struggle, even with a LapBand.

2.  You pointed out that Chris Christie has not lost any weight with his LapBand. I beg to differ.  If you look at the pictures you used to illustrate your point, I could see a significant difference in the body shape. Of course, fatties such as myself know where to look to see weight loss in other fatties. It's a gift. There aren't any official weight loss numbers released on his progress, but the pictures say enough.

3.  You joked that Ruben Stoddard should get TWO LapBands. Do you have any idea how stupid you sounded saying that? Don't get me wrong--I'm all about getting a laugh, but seriously? Not funny.

I understand that you have a talk show that is all about ratings and such, but before making comments about fat people and weight loss surgeries, maybe you should take a good long look at your audience. Not just the one in the studio, but the ones that actually watch your show and drive your ratings. I would assume that at least HALF of your viewing audience struggles with their weight or their body image. Not all of us have the money or resources to have tons of plastic surgery to 'fix' our bodies or our noses. Health insurance, for most people, will pay for weight loss surgery.

As a larger person with a LapBand, I would have been embarassed to have been a member of your studio audience. I would have felt ashamed of the choices that I have made in order to help me become heathier. And I'm sure that some of the larger members of your audience did experience some sort of embarassment of having weight called into a whole topic of discussion, or you left them questioning their choices to have any type of medical assistance to help with their weight loss.

So Wendy Williams, what do I do? Do I continue to watch your show, and hope that this was a one time indiscretion and that you will be better in the future? Or do I boycott your show going foward?

We all know that YOU are not a tiny little flower of a woman. You are big and tall, and you have a super sized reinforced chair and a ginormous couch. That's part of the reason that I like you, but if you refuse to see yourself in that light, then we might have a problem.

Sincerely,

Luka Beth

Dentist

I did break one of the teeth that is getting a crown on Monday. I got in at the dentist at 10am with the partner of my normal dentist.

She added some amalgam, shaped it up, and sent me on my way.... No charge. I was ready to cry.

I also only missed 1.25 hrs at work.

Since I'm not supposed to be chewing hard things, I've been crushing my chewable vitamins. This is my work mortar and pestle.

Cute, huh? It's a measuring spoon and the end of a steak knife. Necessity is the mother of invention.

Things noone tells you

Everyone, I can imagine, understands that when you lose a loved one, it can be devastating. Because my mom was in hospice, I had time to prepare (mentally) for what was to come, but noone tells you about the other things you will deal with.

1.  Financial hardship.  When my mom was in hospice, I used FMLA time and was there for weeks at a time, waiting....and waiting...and waiting. I cooked, and cleaned, and I bought food for the house, and gas for my moms car that I was driving. But I also had a house to maintain in Baltimore. I still had a car payment, insurance, rent, etc. for my home. So I used my 'emergency' credit card. It didn't take long to rack up debt, and it takes even longer to pay it off. Do I regret it? No, because it was my mom--and it's just money.  But having money makes life a little easier, you know? I will probably be paying off this debt for years. It's a constant reminder of everything that I have lost.

2. Mental health.  I can go weeks at a time, and be fine and well adjusted. And then one day, BAM! out of the blue, I get hit with depression. I get sad, and I miss my mom, and I hate that there is so much more to my life that she won't be there for. There are so many things that I am going to have to figure out on my own for the rest of my life...and it sucks. Even with time to prepare for the inevitable, it still never fully prepares you for life without a mom.

3.  Physical health.  I gained a TON of weight while my mom was sick. My days consisted of sitting and waiting. Cooking. Eating. Poor sleep. Repeat. For weeks on end, it was a waiting game. During the time she was in the hospital, it was the same, except the food being eaten was from the hospital cafeteria. Sleep was even worse because I slept in a recliner next to the phone just in case the phone call came in the middle of the night. I weighed 428 lbs when I started my journey six months after my mom passed. That was my highest weight ever. My blood pressure was high, my blood sugar was out of control. I suffered chronic yeast infections, and diflucan was my best friend. I had contstant headaches and body aches. I got out of breath easily.

4.  Dental health.  I grind my teeth in my sleep. I also find myself clenching my jaw when stressed, even while fully awake. Mouthgaurds help, but they aren't not a fail safe--especially when you take them out in your sleep. I broke another tooth last night. Half of it just came out while flossing. My teeth are shot. I have had two root canals in the past month, and was scheduled to have two crowns done on Monday. I have at least 4 crowns on schedule for 2014 when my dental insurance and flexible spending reup on January 1. Now, I have to schedule an appt today, if I can, to see what to do about this tooth. I'm going broke from my dental care.  

5.  Irrational jealousy.  I get jealous of other people who have moms. I know it's childish and selfish, but I do. It's the common factor of you have something I don't. The only thing is, you can't really share a mom. And you can't replace them. I think that my dad has the mindset that since he remarried, we (meaning her family and me) should all be on big happy family. That I should embrace her and her adult children as my siblings and everything will be hunky dory. Well, guess what--it's not. I'm too old for that. She is nothing more than my dads second wife, and his children are nothing more than spoiled freeloaders.

I'm sure there are more things that I will learn as I go forward with this process. I'm sorry--I just had to vent as I stare down another massive dental bill today.

Does it EVER get better?

Doing my best

Yesterday, I had great resolve to do my best and stick as close to plan as possible. I did AWESOME...until around 11pm last night, when the ELB brought me home a McDouble. In all fairness, I actually had asked him for it in a moment of weakness (I had been craving McD's for a while now). I ate it--albeit slowly and without all the bread...And then had to add like 400 calories (I counted the bread even though I didn't eat all of it) to my food diary for the day. I still clocked in under 1500--but it would have been so much nicer to have seen it at 1100. Que sera' sera. Although I did do some hella walking yesterday (almost 4 miles), it still makes me have to reevaluate my choices sometimes.

I've been on point again today--I've had around 800 calories for the day. I'd like to stick it under 1200, but as long as I don't go over 1500, I feel accomplished.

Even though I've been taking the vitamins religiously since last Monday, I'm still feeling really tired and sluggish. Last night, by 9:30, I was struggling to keep my eyes open. I was supossed to watch The Black List to tell the ELB what happened--and I made it 10 minutes in before I zonked out.

I go in next Wednesday for a check up/fill, and even though all of my bloodwork came back great from my primary doctor, I'll ask my surgeon about my fatigue. Until then, I'm going to keep taking the vitamins and drinking my water and counting my calories and fighting the good fight!

New Resolve

Yes, I know, it's THAT post again. The one that I write every so often that says I'm going to do better. I'm going to eat better. I'm going to get back on track. Yeah, I know--the start post of another set of failure.

This time will be different. I spent my weekend being a slug. I ate way too many cookies. I didn't exercise, even though I have an elliptical right in the kitchen that I paid almost $1000 for a few years ago. I was crampy and bloated and tired and headachy.

But today is Monday. Today is the start of a brand new week! I have 1.5 weeks until my next weigh in/fill appointment.

I am starting with a brand new food journal this morning, even though my last one still had about two weeks worth of pages in it. I am going to stick with my vitamins. I am going to walk every day (or use the elliptical--or BOTH!). I will try to get down as much water as possible. I will eat protiens and vegetables, and will do my best to stay away from the carbohydrate calories in things like cookies, ice cream, bread, and candy. I can't guarantee that I will be excellent at this one, but I will significantly reduce the amount that I eat of them.

It's so hard to get back into the right frame of mind when you've let yourself stray. It takes resolve and dedication and, yes, some HELLA willpower. I've let myself become lazy and I can't keep going like this. I'm already afraid that November 13 will show me with a gain. I do NOT want to see a gain!

But I can do this. I will take each day as it comes. I will NOT buy junk food. I will stop visiting the candy bowls of my coworkers. I will stick with what food I bring to work. I WILL do better. I will be the best me that I can be.

It's going to be hard. I'll go through withdrawal. I'll be hungry. I'll probably be bitchy. But in 7-10 days, I will feel better. I have done it before, I can do it again! The trick is sticking with it long term.

Not a good Saturday

I am a lazy bum. I haven't even gotten dressed today. The ELB has been gone all day. I've been on the couch, watching junky movies and eating my way through a box of Italian cookies that I (should not) have bought at Sam's club Friday morning.

That's like 5000 calories or something.... Not really sure because I haven't kept count of how many I have shoved in my pie hole.

I have been the worst bander. I have been bad about not tracking my food. I haven't been watching my calories. I'm really afraid that I'll show a gain at my next appointment on November 13.

I think I will be getting another fill this month. I just don't know how to tell my brain to recognize that the signals that say I'm full, or I'm not hungry. I really think that part of me is broken.

Happy period my @ss

I am on the pill.  It's awesome and wonderful. I have regular periods. The ELB and I can get freaknasty whenever we want. And because I'm regulated, I should be able to get pregnant easier when the time comes for that next step. And the added bonus is that the horrible heavy flooding periods of my teens and twenties have been reduced to what I consider "normal". I don't have to wear double layers of pads. I don't have to sleep on a bath towel while wearing double panties AND shorts. I can function and not be afraid to stand up after sitting or laying for an extended period. I can sneeze without fear that it will look like a murder has occured. I am not doubled over in pain, so nauseated that I can't even get down Midol, and like I had to do mutliple times when I was 12, call my mom to come and take me home.

However, every few months, I get hit with a bad visit from Aunt Flow. And this is that month. I am bloated. I am crampy (the kind of crampy that makes me use lamaaz breathing to get through). I have irrational cravings (last night, vanilla ice cream with sea salt on top which tasted AWESOME). I have eaten what feels to be TONS of chocolate (but in reality has only been a few candy bars--but that is ALOT for me).

I am having hormone rushes (like, I'll be fine and then BAM! I'm flushed and red and sweaty). I'm having mood swings bigger than the pirate ship ride at the fair. And all while dealing with work (because this is our GO time from now until the end of January coupled with a new computer system).

I'm so ready to call this week over. I want to go home. I want to put on my comfy (black) sweat pants and get out of these jeans. I want to eat junk, and watch stupid tv and veg out.

I'm being a whiny little b!tch, and you know what, it's okay. Because I feel like crap.

But it reminds me of the Happy Period market campaign from Always (the only brand I use!), and how it was really a total fail. But the best part was this letter, that said everything I was thinking. And it made me laugh to remember when my bestie and I were both having our cycles and getting so p!ssed at Always for trying to tell us to be happy. Happy? Seriously? I just lost enough blood to require a tranfusion, and you want me to be Happy?

Read the letter, have a laugh--and a great weekend.

C'mon Wednesday! Hit me with your best shot!

I started taking my vitamins again on Monday. I have taken one a day. I hate them so much as chewables, that I actually crush them up, mortar/pestle style, and then do them with a shot of whatever I happen to be drinking. Added bonus--they don't leave residual in my teeth that will perpetuate their grossness! Much easier to take them this way. I haven't noticed a change, good or bad, since restarting--but I'm going to give it the good old fashioned 90 day effort (because I had a brand new unopened bottle of 90).

I went and got my hair chopped off last night. It had been two months since my last cut, and it had actually grown out alot--probably thanks to the biotin that I take. Either way, I'm good until Christmas with hair. I'll probably go the week before the holidays to get it done before vacation.

It was raining here this morning, which prevented me from getting a walk in. Boo! I LOVE my morning walks. It just gives me a good start to the day--but maybe I'll be a good girl and pull out the elliptical tonight. Or maybe I'll go home, make something delicious (BBQ turkey loaf, anyone), and just watch some TV. And try to ignore the three candy bars (okay, 2.5 candy bars) that I bought this morning at the grocery store. I couldn't help it--they were buy 2, get 1 free. I'm a sucker for candy sales. Usually, I'm not even a candy girl, but with Aunt Flow showing up this morning--all bets are off.

So, this morning, I stopped at the grocery store to get some breakfast, because it was raining, and I had time to kill. I originally wanted to go to Burger King to get french toast sticks as a treat, but when I got there at 7:30, none of the outside lights were on, there was noone in the restaurant--so I assumed they were closed. At the grocery store, I got a small pack of deli style lunch meat (2oz, perfect for snacking!), and a lunchable.

I pulled out the deli style meat, and was eating it while driving to the office. And I got stuck on the second bite. So, it sucked. Badly. I got in, thought it had passed since I wasn't sliming--and decided to finish the few remaining bites. And I got stuck again. Sigh. This one caused me to slime. And while I'm sitting at my desk, trying to not let my manager see me sliming (because noone knows about my surgery, and she would assume that I have the flu and send me home b/c it looks like I'm throwing up), I discretely pulled out a baggie, and tried to do it into that--and missed. Half of it made it in--the other half landed on a pile of folders on my desk. It wouldn't have been so bad, but I had taken a drink of my morning protien coffee to try to help it through--so it came up all brown and blechy looking.

So yeah, that's my morning. Luckily, noone saw me get gross, none of it landed on my clothes, and the only victim was an easily replaced manilla folder. And I get to look forward to a lunch of soup...and probably a dinner of soup (the ELB will get the BBQ turkey loaf).

Hope your day is going better than mine!

Fatigued

I have been really tired lately. Usually, I chalk it up to early mornings and late nights ( I typically get up at 5:15 and don't go to bed until 11:30--So I get less than 8 hours a night).

Friday, I went out for dinner and drinks with some of my coworkers. We went to Fridays, where I had a crazy pink cotton candy cosmo (I know, how very sex and the city of me--thanks, I heard that like 5 times). I also had some chips and salsa, and a wedge salad. I was stuffed, and I took home my petit filet and potatoes.

I got home at 7:30 ( I know, I live on the wild side), watched one episode of Monk, and then promptly fell asleep at 9pm on the couch. The ELB says that he tried to wake me up for 4 hours to go to bed. I finally woke up at 3am, and went to bed.

Needless to say, this concerned me. The ELB says that I would wake up long enough to say, "i'm awake", and then go right back to sleep. Once I got to bed, I slept through until 10am. What.The.Hell.

So, today, I'm going to restart taking my vitamins. I am a bad Bander, because I hate taking the stupid vitamins. I know I'm supossed to, but I also think that I can still eat pretty good, so I should be getting everything from my food--but I did realize over the weekend that I do NOT eat the way that I used to. Not only in smaller portions, but I also don't get as balanced of a diet as I did before. I can't eat tons of fruits and veggies. I don't get enough whole grains. I know that sometimes, I don't get enough protien. Even though it feels like some days that I'm eating eating eating--that maybe I'm not eating as much as I thought. That even though my calories are high, that might be a result of eating more slider type foods instead of healthy foods.

This morning, I started with my vitamin again. It's still the bariatric chewable, but I have a whole bottle to use. I will see if this makes a difference with my fatigue..and maybe my weight loss. Who knows--maybe this has been holding me back?

So, in your personal experience, do you think that taking a daily vitamin has helped make a difference in your journey?

Friday

Happy Friday!

I'm really glad that this week is almost over.

Tonight, I'm having happy hour with two coworkers (members of the unofficial "chub club"). We are going to Fridays for drinks and appetizers and girl talk. I'm so excited! I'm saving calories today so that I can splurge with alcohol later.

I only got two laps of my walk in this morning, because I was rescuing a lost FedEx package that was dropped in our parking lot. Go me!

It's week 3 and I have restriction again. Aunt Flow on the horizon next week brings it in. I don't mind--but I just wish I had this level all the time and not just two weeks a month.

I found out yesterday through trial and error, that I cannot eat regular pasta any longer. Not that I sat around and ate alot of pasta anyways--cause I don't--but I won free lunch from Noodles for me and three friends--and I was not able to enjoy it. Lesson learned.

After drinks, I'll be running an errand then heading home to the ELB. This is the first Friday night that we will have spent together in months. #soexcitedforsnuggletime. He is also off on Sunday--so it gives us some quality time to just be together.

I hope that all of you have awesome weekends lined up! Have a good one!

Coming to terms

Even though I still wake myself up clenching my teeth at night, this morning I felt more at peace.

I walked in the brisk autumn morning, watched a gorgeous sunrise, and despite the coffee am still feeling more calm and relaxed than I have in days.

I meant to pray last night--and I fell alseep before I could, but I am one of those people that talk to God during the day, thank Him for small things, and even though I am not a devoted church goer any longer--still have faith. Even in my darkest hour, when I feel that God has forsaken me, I still ask for strength and guidance from Him to guide me through those places to the good things on the other side.

I don't feel like I have been forsaken recently--I just feel like I've had a turn of negativity that is preventing me from moving forward in so many aspects of my life. I feel like there is something holding me back from being the best me I can be.

My goal is to break through these barriers. I need to figure out what I want and how I can get it. I need to form a plan of attack, and then surge forward and break through. Oh, and to trust in God, to give him my trials and tribulations so that I can be unburdened...and to learn the patience that I need for this next chapter to unfold.

Things are going to be better. I know it.

Faith

I'm struggling this week. Not with eating--that is actually the least of my problems. I'm struggling with alot of personal and financial issues--hence my post from yesterday.

At this point, it feels like the ONLY solution to my problems are to win the lottery.

Barring that, I can only suck it up, and keep on living and praying and hoping that something comes through. I don't have a choice. Giving up is akin to quitting. And I am NOT a quitter.

God has a plan, and I just have to trust that He is guiding me towards the path that I need to be on. And in the process, I must be getting a lesson in patience--otherwise, something would have turned the tide by now.

My mom had the most amazing faith and will of anyone I ever knew. She fought and battled Zelda (that's what she named her first tumor) for eight years, until she physically couldn't do it anymore. If she could do that, then I can't let my stupid little problems defeat me.

Sometimes, I forget that I'm not supossedf to do this on my own. That I have to trust God, and give Him my trials. I have to have faith. I have to keep going. And somehow, I will get through this, and come out on the other side stronger for it.

Breaking point

breaking point n. 1. The point at which physical, mental, or emotional strength gives way under stress. 2. The point at which a condition or situation becomes critical.

I am at my breaking point. Mentally, emotionally, financially....something has got to change soon. I can't keep going like this. I am completely and utterly overwhelmed. 

If you believe in God, please send me some prayers. If you don't, please just send some positive thoughts my way.

Thank you.

Nothing new to talk about

Sorry for the lack of posts--I like to post every day, when possible--but I really haven't had anything witty or useful to say lately.

So, here's a manic Monday recap of my life since my last post:

1.  I went and talked to the people about the 'opportunity' last week. It went well, even though I had to suck it up and wear a suit. I hate wearing suits. There were two internal candidates, so if they decided to go outside, I was going to be sent up for a meeting--but so far, no word. I assume it went to one of the internal candidates. No worries, what will be will be.

2. I went pant shopping last week, and tried on approximately 42 pairs of pants in a range of sizes from 26-32.  I could fit every single pair ON, but none of them looked nice enough to buy, even after making the worst decision of my life and trying on a pair of Spanx. OMG< how the HELL do people wear those things EVERY SINGLE DAY? I could never torture myself in this capacity BY CHOICE! I ended up walking out of two stores with nothing but some wasted time.

3. I made some Mexican turkey meatballs on Friday night. 1lb turkey, 1 egg, 1 pack taco seasoning, 1 can of diced chilies, 1/4 c ketchup, and about 1/2 c oatmeal. Mix it all together, and porition into a mini-muffin tin. Bake about 20 minutes.  They weren't as spicy as I had hoped, but they tasted good.

4. I didn't make my chicken salad for the week, nor did I make anything over the weekend. I am being lazy. Yesterday, I sat and read a book. I mean, I did wash the dishes and I ran a load of laundry--but other than that, I was a slug. It felt good.

5.  The weather is gorgeous! I walked in 40 degree temps this morning. Unfortunately, it's going to be dropping down futher this week after it rains tomorrow--highs in the 50's, and lows at night in the 30's--which means we have to turn the heat on. :( I hate running the heat.

6.  Completely random--I'm on level 147 of Candy Crush--and I have NEVER paid for a single thing to play, nor have I bugged people on facebook for lives. I consider that a huge accomplishment. :) Besides, I really don't use FB, so that isn't such a big deal.

7.  BTW, I really really really hate my clothes. I want so badly to go and buy new sweaters and cute things for fall--but I refuse to invest in clothes until I see some movement on the scale. And I don't think the scale is moving. I'll probably be getting another fill on November 13.

8.  I bought a bunch of books over the weekend. I love books, and I love looking at books. My friends are all like, "why don't you get an eReader already?" And I'm all like, "I'm poor...and besides, what if something Revolution-esque were to actually happen? That eReader would be USELESS!". Yeah, I actually think about things like that. I already have my game plan worked out, if something like that ever does happen.

9.  The ELB and I rented "This is the end" on Saturday. From the previews, we thought it would be non-stop laughs--but honestly, it was ALOT more thought provoking than either of us expected. Alot of religous references and it seemed to have a moral--totally unexpected. It kind of put me in mind alot of "Dogma".

10.  And just because I'm kind of like Monk, I like to end things on a positive number. So number 10 is just a Happy Monday to everyone! #haveagreatday

A little late

I opened the door to go to work this morning and found this beautiful little harbinger of fall just sitting on the top step of the stoop.

I taped it to the top corner of my monitor at work so I could enjoy it all day.

Happy Thursday, ya'll!

The Comfort Zone

This week, I am stepping out of my comfort zone, and doing something that I haven't done in four years--actively look for something new (and not in the weight loss arena, if you know what I mean).

I've become complacent. I've gotten lazy. I've gotten too comfortable with where I am---and that never bodes well for me. Comfort is great--but I like challenge. I like new obstacles. I like things that change and that encourage growth and opportunity.

I love what I do, and where I do it, and the people I do it with (mind out of the gutter, you pervs!). But I'm bored. I feel like I'm withering away here, and that my creativity is ebbing, my desire to want more is growing distant, and I'm settling for something secure.

Last week, I got a phone call. An unorthodox phone call, at that, from someone looking for someone like me for an opportunity to be named. They called ME! I was shocked. And after a week of playing phone tag, I finally had the chance to talk to them about this opportunity, and I have to say, I could get in line with it.

The only hold back is my self image. Yes, I am 68 lbs less than I was a year ago, but I still have so much more to lose to get even within the realm of my goal. I had a plan. Have surgery, be complacent for two more years, lose my weight, and then the opportunities would be more viable. But now I'm stepping out of my comfort zone, way earlier than I had wanted or expected to.

What if I'm not good enough? What if they meet me and they pass because of how I look? I know that I'm overweight, but it doesn't mean that I'm not smart, and educated, and a terrific person.  

But I'm taking a chance. I'm going to go, and I'm going to be myself. I am not going to be someone I am not. And it will either be the right thing, or it won't be the right thing. Either way, I'll never know unless I swallow the fear and forge ahead.

is it just me?

Is it just me, or does it seem like somedays, everyone you run into is a complete and utter freaking MORON?

Seriously, it's like they woke up and feel out of the stupid tree--hitting every single branch on the way down. It's the kind of thing that makes me want to scream in aggravation. To wish that I COULD reach through a phone and lay down a head slap.

But I bite my tongue, and I smile when I explain something to someone for the 4,377 time, and I do not let them hear my sigh of exasperation, or the sound of my hand slapping into my forehead because what I am saying and what I want to say are so far apart on the niceness scale, that I would be fired for telling someone what I really felt.

That, coupled with my ability to somehow eat bread again--is frustrating me. I just want to find my green zone. I need to get this weight off. I want to see results.

ARRRGGHHHHH!

Chicken tortilla soup

Made in a crock pot or on the stove top, this recipe is quick and delicious.

2 cans of white beans
1 can of black beans
1 can of Rotel
2 cans of chicken broth
1 pack of taco seasoning
1 cup of diced chicken breast ( I used Tyson grilled chicken strips)
1 can of corn
3/4 cup of sauteed onion/red & yellow peppers

Drain and rinse the beans and drain the corn. Dump in crock pot along with everything else. Cook on high for a few hours. (If you do on stove top put on low simmer for about an hour then lower after mashing). Use a potato masher or spoon to mash up the mixture. Reduce crockpot to low and soup will thicken as it continues to cook. Serve with a sprinkle of cheddar and a dollop of 0%Greek yogurt.

Delicious!

Lazy Saturday

In doing laundry and watching A League Of Their Own on TV. I love that movie. I have a lot of memories associated with it. It makes me cry but it's still a good day.

Five Things Friday!

It was a dark and stormy...day?

It's so dark outside, that it looks like night.

I'm going to do an edition of Five Things Friday--just because I feel like posting something.

1. There may or may not be a huge trucker rally thing on the Capital Beltway this weekend--which will seriously throw a wrench into our plans to head to DC tonight--and the ELB's having to go back to DC tomorrow.

2. I wasted time straightening my hair this morning. Even with all the awesome Paul Mitchell products at my disposal, a ceramic brush, and an ionic dryer, my hair senses the slightest hint of moisture and immediately reverts to frizz.

3. I seriously want a new crock pot. I have a great crock pot--it's from the 1970s, it's avacado green with a brown crock, and it works great!  But I keep thinkg of all the awesome things I could make if I had a new one, with the programmable thing and the removable crock, etc. I have been pricing them for about a month now--but am afraid to jump on it. Maybe when Christmas sales come in, I'll finally break down and get it.

4. Yesterday, I made fresh green beans, mediterranean style. Basically, fresh beans (snapped) with tomatos, olive oil, and some italian seasonings in the crock pot. Yumm-o!

5. I've been doing my best to not be tempted by bread--but I did have a sandwich round yesterday--which again, didn't feel that awesome. You would think I would learn my lesson.

Happy Friday!